Wednesday 18 March 2009

shocking!!!

This has shocked me to the bones! It could happen anywhere! And the blame is on the dogs, whereas it should always be the owner/s and in this case the authorities too!!!

A 10-year-old boy has been killed and a German tourist badly injured after an attack by stray dogs in Sicily.

Related photos / videos



Boy Killed By Rampaging Savage Dogs In Sicily

The boy, Giuseppe Brafa from the town of Modica, was attacked and killed two days ago while playing in a field. A nine-year-old boy was also injured.

The 24-year-old tourist later came under attack from eight dogs while out walking on a beach near Marina di Modica, some 12 miles away from the city of Ragusa.

Doctors say her face was badly damaged and she suffered severe injuries elsewhere on her body - her condition has been described as "desperate".

"Her face was particularly disfigured," said Christian Ilardi, a rescue official who was on the helicopter that rushed the woman to Catania.

"Her life is in serious danger due to the wounds, which are very deep."

Officials said the pack actually belonged to a resident who kept dozens of dogs of different breeds in filthy conditions and with little food.

Local authorities had already ordered the dogs to be kept in a fenced area because there were no proper kennelling facilities - the owner of the make-shift pound is now under arrest on a manslaughter charge.

The case has sparked outrage in Italy, particularly after reports that the authorities had entrusted the dogs - originally strays - to the man, believing he could take care of them.

Around 40 of the stray dogs have been captured and two were reportedly shot dead when they attacked a police patrol.

More attacks by the remaining eight strays have since been reported.

Stray dogs are common in southern Italy.

Wednesday 11 March 2009

New blog ...

Thought I finally start a new blog as I am so past treatment now. You can find it here:

http://fishwhiskers.blogspot.com/

Sunday 8 March 2009

On a very wet & windy night ....


Despite there being an air of spring about during the day, when it drew to a close yesterday, the evening and night turned into very wet and even more windy. But I had arranged to meet the ex-husband and his girlfriend and I wasn't going to pull out. I was so determined to go out and have a good time LOL. When I mentioned meeting them earlier in the day to P, he decided to come with me. Not unwelcome on my side either, as I said, it was the ex AND g/f I was meeting, so 2 is company, 3 is a crowd and 4 is just a nice number :) We were just about leaving the house when the ex's g/f texted that they were running late. 8.45pm instead of 8.30pm. Not a problem I texted back. So P and I took the bus into town (I had a day ticket anyway after having been shopping twice yesterday already) and went to meet them at the Watershed Media Centre, a nice place at the Waterfront, with cinema, good food and a good selection of drinks. We got there exactly at 8.45pm. Bought a drink (nice organic lager yumm yumm) and sat down. The minutes started ticking past, no sign of them. At about 21.15 h I was just about to text them sarcastically "Oh, I didnt know you meant 9.45pm", when they walked in. As from then the evening went quite well, animated conversation - between me and g/f of ex. You see, that's the problem. She involves me in chatting so I don't chat to the ex. But I can't help liking her, she is kind of sweet. She also has the habit of asking a question, and me being me go into a lengthy answer and am just about finished with it, when she turns round and says: "sorry, what was that you said?" So I end up having to tell her everything twice, first time in full and then a second shortened version, just in case she can't follow me again. But as I said, she is kind of sweet. Blonde ... but sweet :D Well I guess I am just glad there was no animosity. Oh yes, and I got a lovely kiss and big hug from the ex at the end *blush*

I am also glad, that despite the fact that P had some alcohol, he remained pleasant all evening. That is not always the case and I did worry a bit. But all was fine, so I am a happy little camper today. Oh yes, and because it was organic lager I drank (only 3 little glasses mind) I am happy to say: NO HANGOVER!

Had planned on a walk to Ashton Court with the dog and my new friend K, but it is pissing down so much that we decided not to. She has also been partying until 8am, so isn't quite fit to go anywhere. I might pop down to hers for coffee later, but it hasn't been decided yet. So I am going to start spring-cleaning the kitchen now. Got too much penned up energy to just sit around LOL. Or is it just that I have drunk too much coffee haha.

Friday 6 March 2009

Emails


Funny that, my daughter has started emailing me again. At first it was just the pictures of the kids, and every time I wrote back saying thank you and how much I love them. Then she started saying 'thank you for the reply' back and with every email there were a few more words. We are now in a state of gently approaching eachother again and I get the feeling that both of us will have learned from the events and will probably respect eachother somewhat more and don't take eachother for granted. I still do not want to have contact with her husband, he has deliberately hurt me and criticised me for things which do not concern him. If he ever comes round to apologising and acknowledging that this is not the way to treat people, then maybe I will forgive. I am not the only one he has been doing this to over the past couple of months, so it is obviously a problem HE has got. Until he faces that, there is nothing there for me. But I am happy about being in contact with my daughter ... very happy!!! After seeing Kittie and her daughter together last weekend, I realised how much different a mother-daughter relationship can be when treated with love and respect. Let's hope it's not too late for J and me.

Thursday 5 March 2009

Excess, success & scabbiness

Not sure, but I think I still suffer from the excesses of last weekend. Feeling particularly rotten today, everything hurts, closed sinuses, rough throat and generally listless. Mind you, I think I would be feeling a lot more energetic if I was in London with Kittie right now. There is reason to celebrate! I won't give the game away by explaining why though hehe. Oh gosh ... I miss her so much!!!

I have been very busy the last couple of days. I am emailing all the UK and some of the European summer festivals offering Amigurumi workshops. This is a wonderful way to make money AND attend as much live music as I can cram in from May until September :) I have got 2 bookings already, so SUCCESS!!! Thank you Kittie, for the wonderful idea. Why am I not that clever??

My beautiful biohazard tattoo is skanky and scabby. Yuck! Part of the crust has started to drop off, where the lines are thin and I can see how deep it is. And deep it is :/ Just hoping it will still heal up alright without losing too much colour and needing a re-needling. It is also still very sore and now very itchy (that means it's healing though). And although it is oozing in places, I can't see any infection, so that should be ok. Still, I am keeping an eye on it!!!

Tuesday 3 March 2009

Punk's not dead ...

... and it doesn't even smell like it. Kittie and I proved that over the weekend *smile* I had a marvellous time and felt about 20 years younger. Maybe 50 really is the new 30. I won't dwell on the hangovers, because even they were good as I knew they came from having a good time ... and fuck, we deserved it. Met some wonderful people, got tattooed and dreaded, bought shoes and yarn, sat/stood in pubs, ate well and left poor Kittie with the mess! I didn't want to go home ... and I still don't want to be home either. I think a repeat performance is due soon. Up your bum ...

Shame, the nail didn't turn up whilst I was away LOL

Wednesday 25 February 2009

Is there a nail in my bread?

Because the last time I saw my lovely blue artificial thumb nail was BEFORE I was kneading bread last night. And I only noticed that it was missing when the bread was already in the oven. Not a lot I could do about it then, was there? So, now do I tell P to watch out for a nail or do I just wait and have a giggle after he tells me that he found it over the weekend when I was in London? Hmmm ...

Went shopping this morning, but being the usual half wit I am at 9am, I left my bank card at home. Luckily I had taken a tin full of 1p and 2p coins to change up. So I could at least buy the necessities. I even had enough over to have a quick browse through the charity shops. And what do I find? Only the most adorable boots of all times. Sort of punky/biker!!! I just had to have them. At that point I only had about £2 left in my purse. So I went up to the guy at the counter, who by the way is exceptionally cute, tattooed and pierced, shaved head and very sweet, and asked him, if I could give him £2 towards the boots - they were priced at £9.99 - and if he would keep them until the afternoon for me to pick up. Obviously he didn't want to see me again - hahaha - because he said that I can have the boots for the money I got. Now I am prancing around at home with the incredibly comfy, perfectly fitting boots :-) Sad though that I don't have a reason to go there again this afternoon!

Right-o, I need to go out with Isis now, then try an outfit on for travelling tomorrow (new boots included) and finish packing my rucksack. I also need to decide which yarn to take, crochet or knitting, have a bath, dye my hair, put a face mask on, pluck eyebrows and last but not least ... replace the missing nail.

I am in good spirits :-)

Tuesday 24 February 2009

Pictures

Well, although my daughter has decided to not want contact with me at the moment, she still keeps me updated with photos of my new granddaughter and also photos of my gorgeous grandson. I suppose that is something. And every time I get photographs, I just write back to say thank you and tell them how much I love them (I tell them that out of the blue too). I would love to share the pics with you, but I need to ask my dauther for permission to post them publicly. She doesnt usually like it, which is why I have send them to my nearest and dearest in emails and not put them on the worldwide web. However, I will ask J if it is ok to post one on my blog. They are both such sweet kids and I miss them heaps. Just as well I am here in England and not in Germany ... otherwise I would probably force entry into my daughters house. LOL.

2 more days and I shall be in London!!! Getting tattooed on Friday together with Kittie. We're having the same ... the biohazard symbol in hot pink :-) As we have to be disposed off as biohazard once we're dead due to the HepC, we might as well have the warning sign already on us. Saves them putting it on the black zip-up bag we going to be in haha. I am seriously looking forward to having some pain ... I am weird. But getting tattooed is almost like self-harming ... feeling of relief afterwards is indescribable. And at least you dont get all the guilt stuff after a tattoo. Warped, I know!

Monday 23 February 2009

Beautiful small world

I had to realise again today what a beautiful small world we live in. About 2 1/2 years ago I met a very nice woman when walking the dog in the park. A different park to now, in a different part of town. We really hit it off at that time, stood and chatted for about an hour, then went both our own way. I sadly thought only afterwards, that we should have swapped telephone numbers. Always clever in hindsight - that's me! But I was sure that I was going to see her again, I was always going to that park and she told me she jogged there daily. Unfortunately a few months after I moved house and didn't see her again. Today we bumped into eachother again. As I said, in a totally different area of the city. Funnily enough, she had moved here not long after me. But up to today, I had not seen her or just didn't notice her. As neither of us had anything to write with us, her jogging, me walking the dog, and as she doesn't live far from where we met, she invited me back for coffee. This time we have made sure we have eachothers numbers and have already arranged for a meeting when we are both back from London. She is going on the same weekend as me, namely THIS weekend, also this Thursday and also until Sunday. Strange coincidences indeed. She has like me lived in Germany, Turkey, Israel and now England. She is studying dance at the moment, just like me at her age. She is also single and doesn't want another man in her life. All very peculiarly similar ...

Friday 20 February 2009

Bloody hell ...

Something weird is going on with my blood. I have had a spot on my right cheek ... yes the one in the face not the one at the other end ... and it keeps opening and bleeding profusely. And I don't mean ordinary bleeding, no it gushes out, to the extent that I have completely ruined my duvet cover the other day and a t-shirt today. My hands, face and neck was covered in it too. I have no alternative but put a plaster on it, which of course is very fetching. I reckon I should go and see the doc about it. I mean, one possibility is simply that the spot is directly on a blood vessel ... but of course, other possibilities are springing to mind, not pleasant ones either! Every time I have something like this, I start thinking about skin cancer. Naturally I would be an obvious victim of that, having worked and lived in very hot climates and enjoyed the sun with no protecting at all. It being Friday today and gathering that I wouldn't get a doctors appointment until the middle of next week either I have decided that I will mention it to my Hep Team next Thursday. Maybe it has indeed something to do with the changes my blood has undergone during and since treatment. Just hoping the bloody thing closes up, so I don't have to wear a plaster when going to London. I think I'd die with shame!!!

Wednesday 18 February 2009

Detox & Dairy

or dairy & detox as depicted. Anyway, detox as far as it is my 4th day today without any alcohol :-) Really want to give myself a break before London, so I won't feel too guilty having a couple of glasses of wine there. After all, I do want to enjoy myself a little :-) Not intending to get into the hangover stage, but still ... And as I am now receiving £20 more per fortnight, a visit to the pub might even be considered. Where dairy is concerned, I have decided to stay off it as much as possible. Due to my rotten composure the last few days I didn't manage to get to the supermarket to get Alpro milk. So I drank cows' milk in my coffee, thought it wouldn't matter. But hell, am I paying for it. With exaggerated pains ouch ouch ouch. So dairy does make a difference when you're suffering from arthritis. I don't think I will ever be a complete vegan, but let's say, I am hoping to make 90%.

Have made a cute prezze for Kittie. I hope she likes it. The fiancée is not getting one this time. Suits him right for not treating my friend the way she should be treated!!! Only 1 week to go and I get out of here for a few days and see the people I love. Not that I don't love P and the animals, but I do have them around me all the time ;)

Monday 16 February 2009

Gotz da lurgy ....

Woke up at 8am (!!!!) this morning, coughing and spluttering, sniffing and sneezing, muscles feeling like having been to the gym all night and head exploding with pain. No doubt I got the lurgy! Comes from being bombarded with P's germs all weekend. He's finally feeling better ... no wonder, he passed it onto me! Fuck a duck! I could have done without this. Now let's hope that the lurgy will not linger as I want to be fit to go to London on the 26th. Don't want to get there by the skin of my teeth and having to spend 3 days lurking on Kittie's sofa spreading the joy of viral little friends. I want to be able to get out and about, Cafe Stitch is one of the suggestions, which sounds really good. There is also a man I wouldnt mind seeing again ... not what you're thinking now, no, just because I want a bit of feasting my eyes. Precious little of that going on where I live. They all wear tracksuits, hoodies or caps ... yuck! So, I am seriously starved of a bit of biker/metal/long hair/beardage *chrr chrr*. And of course, with the lurgy surging around my body, I wouldnt look my best. Finally I like my hair again. It's about 3 cm long and I can spike it up and mess it up to my hearts' content. I am also taking my double-ended dreads down to London, hopefully Kittie will have time to dread them into my fringe, as that should be long enough. The rest can follow later :-) Getting the punk chick on again ... must be a good sign.

Didnt make it to the local stitch & bitch yesterday. I had all the best intentions, but Sunday bus service decided for me. I wasn't gonna get there in time, so I didn't get there at all. The next one is when I am in the big smoke, so deffo missing it, will have to wait until 15th March now. Shame!!!

Saturday 14 February 2009

Friday the 13th

Despite all superstitious beliefs, nothing bad happened yesterday. Quite the opposite! When I checked my emails just before dinner last night, there was one from my daughter saying: "Regardless of everything going on, I don't want to deprive you of your granddaughter, so here are some photos!" I was very happy to receive them and was oogling the little mite for ages. She looks so different to the first grandchild, when he was born. Amira is very dark in skin and has the biggest eyes ever with the blackest eyeballs ever. She looks a lot more like her dad than Kylian ever did, although I suspect the dark complexion comes from the Mexican side of our family. The shaping of the head through forceps birth hasn't quite disappeared yet, after all it's only been 5 weeks, but the indication that it soon will be back to normal is there. Just a matter of time ... Oh I am such a proud nana :-)

I am feeling a bit better in myself, having recognised that I was making myself ill again by thinking negatively. Well, at least I am able to recognise what I am doing and am capable of changing my frame of mind. I am off food shopping in a mo, oh the highlights of my days LOL. All my battling with the authorities has slightly paid off and I am now getting £10 rent per week more and £20 incapacity benefit per fortnight more. That is £60 per month which will make a huge difference. I can afford a regular supply of the much needed soyamilk now ;)

Pete in an absolute foul mood again. Says he has got a cold - AGAIN! I am sure he suffers from this Leisure Syndrome, as he is always always ill as per Friday. If I was suspicious and evil minded, which I am not of course (haha), I would say he's just trying to wiggle out of household chores. But as he isn't even going for rides on his much loved bike or visiting his mum, I do think it's genuine. But naturally he refuses to combat it, so I do think he does enjoy it to a certain extent ....

Thursday 12 February 2009

Is it back?

I thought I'd never say this, but I am slowly getting the feeling that the dreaded virus might be back :( I am just getting too exhausted too fast, I need the daytime naps again, I am listless, my skin around the fingers is going berserk and my liver hurts at the slightest bit of emotional stress. I will have my 6 month post-tx PCR on 26th February and after that there is the usual 3-4 weeks wait for results. So I am not going to know anytime soon. On the other hand it could really just be depression, the classical signs are there, and maybe I get hit later than others after stopping antidepressants. It's been 7 weeks. But whatever it is, it is not a nice place to be in. As my enthusiasm for life goes down, my commitment for Werner's PR stuff and the crochet is going down with it. I rather go back to bed than do anything! Every day I try and convince myself that I should be doing this and that, even write lists of "things to do today", but the longer the list is the more likely it is that I do nothing whatsoever. I have become full of self-doubt again, all the old questions of "Am I good enough?" "Am I worthy?" "I am just a dumbass nothing ..." etc. are constantly floating through my mind. I try and stay positive, do the daily spiritual affirmations, but somehow it all gets lost in the course of the 24 hrs. I don't feel depressed as such, after all, this is familiar territory, I have always been like this (or as long as I can remember). I am not thinking of suicide, just wishing things could be easier. It was so great after tx when I suddenly got energy and enjoyed the things I was doing. Where has it all gone????

Tuesday 10 February 2009

What am I doing wrong?

After writing to my daughter recently, that I loved her and the kids, that I am thinking of them and sending them loving thoughts every day, I had an email back last night. Up to now I didn't translate and post any, but this one I just have to. I really don't know what to do, should I answer it or not, if yes, what can I even write to all of this? At first impulse last night I just wrote back that I have to respect her decision, that I always will love her and that she is always welcome to get in touch if she needs, wants or feels like it.

Well, here it is ... I stand accused:


Hello,

I have been thinking over the past few days and some stuff became clear to me.

The fist thing that became clear to me is that I have been expecting too much from you. I did expect that you will be the mother, who I have been missing and searching for all those years, but it also became clear that you never will be that nor will be able to be that. For that we are lacking too many experiences, too many similarities, too many memories, simply everything that makes a mother-daughter relationship and keeps it together. I am sorry if I expected too much, but you know I have searched and wanted for all those years. As the contact between us grew closer I clutched at something as so often and hoped in vain. In reality this should have been clear to me much earlier, for example when I was angry, because you couldn’t keep or didn’t want to keep a promised telephone call, because you suddenly had a headache and/or … (invariably expandable). Most of the time I knew that those were just excuses which was the reason that I was angry with you. But I never imagined that I am smothering you with my search for motherly closeness.

Furthermore I wanted to tell you: You have accused me that I still make you suffer for your mistakes from years ago, that I keep bringing it up. Yes, you’re right there. Just like I bring it up over and over again with my father. Are you even aware what you have done to MY life? I didn’t have, like you, a bearable upbringing, at least for the first few years. I always grew up amongst arguments, intrigues and without love, because I never was wanted or tolerated anywhere. Right from the beginning I was pushed around.

Have you ever thought about why I constantly confront you with it and why I can’t get closure for it despite all the therapies? Exactly, because it is MY DAMNED LIFE, which YOU have made!!! Not me, YOU!!! The only thing I have done, learned and tried through my therapies is to rid myself of the inner cold, which I have been taught through you, and to come to terms with my hate for myself and my rage for my damned life. You know I can’t even remember one happy day from my childhood, not a nice holiday or anything. I was always the one everybody pointed at and talked about. Even my own family. I have always been treated like a leper, in kindergarten, or school or anywhere. I can’t remember how often I heard that kids are not allowed to play with me. Why I don’t need to tell you, do I? Do you think that was great? … and then you expect me to NOT reproach you with it? How do you envisage that?

You still blame you mother for her mistakes, because you can’t forget it. Don’t say no, because that would be a lie.

You know, maybe one can forgive and search for a way forward to get along with eachother, but no way can something as monumental as this, something that has consumed one since one was little be forgotten. And if then things go wrong it is natural that it opens old wounds; that you know yourself very well. So, please don’t expect that I will pretend that I have forgotten what you have done, even though it is a long time ago but time hasn’t relativized it or put it any more into perspective. No way!

You know I often think that if I didn’t have my husband and my 2 wonderful kids, then I would still be there, where I was then – namely that I would wish every day that I wasn’t born. This was really my wish for 23 years.

So, I think to chew over everything from previous emails won’t bring any more results. That’s why I finish here. I don’t expect and answer, but if you send one then please no justification. This was my side of the coin so you can see how it looks like and maybe you start to understand me. But it will be like always I expect … you will wallow in the role of a victim. Do that, you do that so well. Because they are our problems and have got nothing to do with you!

One thing before I go: at the moment I can’t and I won’t keep any contact with you. There are more important things in my life than being hurt again and again. I want to be there for my daughter and of course the rest of my little family, because they need me most. If you still want it, I will be in touch at some point in time.


I have tried to stick as close to the words she actually used as possible. That's why it may sound odd in places. But I am sure you all get the gist of it. So, I ask you, what now????

Monday 9 February 2009

Not very motivated ....

I could do with some. Got up around 6am today, after a disrupted night again, and was back in bed by 9.30. Woke up half an hour ago and forced myself out from underneath the duvet, where it was just so cozy. I really need to walk into Bedminster to get a cartridge for my printer. Loads of patterns to print out! Also desperate for rabbit food and some salad for tonight. So I guess I have to get my woozy head round it. I am now absolutely certain that feeling like this is related to the painkiller plasters. I did succumb on Friday to the need of sticking one on. Just couldnt bear the pains anymore. Saturday daytime was ok still, but then I already started feeling excessively tired. The droopy eyelid syndrome again. By yesterday afternoon I could hardly keep my eyes open and took the plaster off. So this must still be the aftermath of the synthetic morphine in my body. It just isnt a solution! I rather take my normal painkillers with codeine. So ok, they only give short term relief from the pain, but at least they leave me some energy to deal with the day-to-day running of my life. I hate feeling like a piece of lead, hardly able to move about. I have tried Humble's suggestion of rubbing the pain points. In fact I sat in the bath running my fingers over all of my body finding them. There are sooooo many. But the rubbing does help a little, so I am doing it - one point at the time. I will look up later on one of the accupressure sites, if there are points also to stimulate energy flow. I've got so much to do and I'm not doing it. Not good. Not good at all.

Sunday 8 February 2009

Lazy Sunday

A typical lazy day is being had by all. No stress, no must-do's, no worries, not much movement. As it is very hard to walk outside, Isis and I have been quite immobile too. She doesn't like it much, nor do I. Anyway, the snow as such is gone, just frozen brown slush left ... yuck! I will go out with her in a minute again though to wake up after my 40 winks (ok ok it was an hour), as I was up half the night due to silly dreams about ants and cockroaches, and then make pizza. Tonight is TV night ... first Larkrise to Candleford and later on Being Human. More lazy hazy time :) Crocheting seashells at the moment and havent quite got the hang of it. Somewhere there is a blip in the pattern, just not sure where yet. My aim was to make at least 5 large ones today, but I don't think that's going to happen now. Never mind. If I get one that looks perfect I shall be quite happy.

Yesterday was quite a stupid day. I did plan to go shopping early in the morning to avoid the crowds. Then I realised that the buses round here weren't running. I kept waiting and hoping that they might start up. At about 1.30pm I decided to take Isis and a rucksack and walk down to the shops. As we were about to leave the house, I saw the first bus. I chucked the rucksack back into the front room and just went for a walk with Isis, deciding that I would take the bus after. That way I would be able to take my granny shopping trolley. I can't carry anything more than a pint of milk in my hands safely these days and even a rucksack with a few things causes major problems with my back and shoulders, knees and hips. When I got back with the dog, no more buses had gone up and down the hill. So I waited some more until I finally saw another one. Zoomed across the street and off I went. Presuming that the supermarket will be empty, I was quite looking forward to the excursion. But have and behold, ASDA was absolutely heaving, people making hamster buys, obviously either ran out of supplies over the few days of snow or just getting more in in case the weather turns again. There were queues from the tills up all aisles. Dreadful! I got back and was completely shattered. Pete was then volunteered by me to cook ... which he did without any argument :) Maybe it was the amount of people whizzing around that made me dream of the creepy crawlies. That wouldnt surprise me!

Had a funny little dream too. As this is the second cake in as many weeks I have made and Pete hasn't participated in, I told him yesterday that it was the last one I make. In my dream I did the same, and then found out, that he had eaten all the topping out of spite. When I woke up and remembered, it made me giggle and go to the kitchen to check LOL.

Right, that's all from my boring little corner of the world. Hope you all had a more exciting/wonderful/happy/fulfilling Sunday.

Friday 6 February 2009

Freak Weather


It's just mad! After it thawed heavily all afternoon and early evening yesterday and there was hardly any snow left, I woke up to this (pic) this morning. Ankle deep in snow I was when going for the morning walk. It seems to be relentless as it is still snowing here. Big fat flakes. Watched the news earlier and it said dry and sunny in the afternoon in the Southwest. Errrrrm excuse me, metereology office, but I think you might have got that just a tad wrong. Here I was a week ago preparing myself for spring and now this. Ok, I loooooove the snow and I really enjoy going out at the moment and really it is the RIGHT weather for the beginning of February, but it's still freaky. I have only seen once 3 days like this since coming to England in 1985. I am lucky I dont have to go anywhere or do anything, I can just sit here and enjoy the falling snowflakes out of my window. Poor people who are trying to get up the hill outside the house in a car though. Watched the bus this morning negotiating stopping at the bus stop. It managed eventually - half way down the hill! Since then I havent seen a bus.

Poor P. had to go to work in the 'nearest' office again. Told him to phone in and say that he had slipped when walking the dog or something and take the day off. But no, he insisted on going. I think he likes to suffer! Must be the reason he is living with me *chrr chrr*

Worried about my friend Kittie at the moment. Thoug
ht as I didnt hear anything, that would be good and everything working out and stuff, but that doesnt seem to be the case. Drinking is not the answer ... I dont believe I am saying this! That just shows how much I have changed LOL. I reckon it's time for some serious arse kicking and another trip to London. Mind you, sorta stuck here at the moment. And she bloody well knows that *glare*

Thursday 5 February 2009

10 cm of brand new snow :-)


... and this pic is proof of it. That's what it looked like this morning around 7am when I went with the dog. I enjoyed every step in almost virginal snow! However, I thought I would be totally alone up there at this time in the morning, presuming that people didnt fancy getting out that early in that weather. Well, as they say: Presumption is the Mother of all Fuck Ups ... it was almost heaving there with dogs and owners and such. So, wenn I sneakily tried to tie my yarn bombing stuff on the fence, I wasnt only watched by one pair of eyes, but about 6 - and that's not including dogs eyes. Plus it wasnt just the usual people, but even the guys from the BBC I vaguely know (technician + researcher couple with their Shar Pei Suki) were there. As the guy looked at me questioningly I explained briefly what I was doing. Hmmm, maybe he found it interesting enough to mention it at the TV station when they finally can get into work. I am really hoping that the poop/scoop is staying up for a while. I want as many people as possible to see it. Hahaha just massaging my ego here :-)

Finally managed to get the stuff of to the museum too. It's not particularly good, I think, but it will get the points across and hopefully get me the exhibition. Should have asked one of my media friends to help me texting (nudge nudge wink wink you know who you are).

Off for another snowy excursing in a bit. Somehow I cant wait to get out of the house. Housemate P wasnt very pleased this morning. He couldnt get into work as that is quite a few miles away and even a Harley isnt THAT good in snow. So he phoned in at about 8.30am telling them about buses and the impossibility of getting to work. And guess what? They said he had to go and report to the local job centre for work (he works at the DWP). I wont repeat his comments here, but the F-word featured strongly in it.

Wednesday 4 February 2009

Shhhhhhhhh ...

My yarn bombing project is ready ... but it's not the one above. It is going up tonight when I last walk the dog. That way it might stay up at least 12 hours. Got the feeling though it won't last much more. It's a drab rundown area here, with loads of destructive, unappreciative people. But we'll see, maybe I am being too negative. Anyway, will post pics later. Guess I will have to do it at the last light of day as to get some photographs. Hehe, it's going to be fun, just like sneaking around doing graffiti or fly posting :-) I wonder if I can get arrested for yarn bombing too??

Woke up with a massive headache today as if I had drunk a bottle of cheap plonk last night. But I haven't touched a drop since Sunday late afternoon. So maybe it's because of the way I slept. It wasn't a very comfortable night as Isis had decided she wanted to play baby and sleep in my arms all night *eye roll*. But how can I refuse? The things we do for out loved ones ... even though they are JUST animals.

Just got another order for a flyer from my friend Werner. He want something to lay out in biker shops to attract some clientele. Now I've got to get my head round
that. Never done anything for bikers, apart for a couple of all night parties, but that was unprofessional stuff. I refuse however to do the usual naked beauty on bike calendar type thing. But what else might be attractive to them? Thinking cap on ....


Tuesday 3 February 2009

The sun has got its hat on ...

... hurray hurray hurray. And it looks like something above ... well not quite as untouched and virginal. But I love it still.

Not much to say today, been busy with 'work' emails, making bread and starting my first yarn bomb project. It's going to have local community content but shhhhhh for now. Once it's up I will post pictures. Won't be long :-) So, I shall go out in the aforementioned sunny snowfields now and decide how to plan out the rest of the day. My vision is apalling today, so won't be much I reckon. Missing my little Hepkitty to come for a walk with me :(

Monday 2 February 2009

Snowed under and looking like abominable snow creatures

After I neglected Isis the dog somewhat over the weekend, I thought I take her for a long walk today. When we left the house around midday it was snowing very slightly. The odd flake here and there. By the time we got to the bank we were in the middle of a blizzard. Traffic around us was at a standstill (and I had to chuckle to myself hehe) and we got very strange looks as we really did appear to come straight from the Himalayas ;) Isis didn't appreciate it much being out in this weather for about 2 hours, but I did. So tough titties!!!

I am also snowed under with things to do, but havent been able to get my head round it. Somehow suffering from having had a couple of bottles of wine over the weekend. Not my fault, mind you, I was led astray hahaha. Not that I put up much resistance LOL And I did enjoy every drop of it as it was in exquisite company even though the music offerings turned out to be utter tripe. Quite amusing really and very shameful!

I've just come out of a long overdue bath and need to go out again. Tobacco shortage! Well, as I have put myself down with the NHS Together programme to stop smoking on 15th February, that might soon be something of the past. I really do want to stop, if I will manage is another question. 38 years of smoking certainly have left a mark, albeit not a positive one.

Sunday 1 February 2009

Friday 30 January 2009

Kids

Whilst I was sitting up at 5.30am in total quiet with my crochet hook and some wool, I was thinking about my daughter and what she has recently said about her kids and how she treats/educates them. Well more so the older one, the baby doesnt really come into it ... yet. I suddenly realised that children will never be the billboard of parental success. Parents can bring them up whichever way they like, but the little people still develop their own personalities and traits regardless. Being strict and regimented, like my daughter is with her 5 year old, will not guarantee that he wont be a teenage drop out, although she thinks that. On the other hand, a kid brought up in a disfunctional family doesnt necessarily go off the rails when older. So, listen up dear daughter, why dont you just stop all this fartassing around with different types of education and start giving the kids love and some values and leave the rest to natural development. In 10 years down the line it wont matter that you insisted that the kid has healthy molasses for breakfast instead of Nutella or that he goes to sleep at 7pm instead of 9pm. I think a lot of hassle and aggro could be saved on both sides, if we would react more loving and natural towards the wishes and expectations of our little ones. All that will stay with them until their dying days is the unconditional love we showed them from the moment they were born. I think that's what I was trying to do when I visited this time, unfortunately I was completely misunderstood and accused of corruption their upbringing. Shame!

My dear dear friend will be here in less than 12 hours and I have so much to do. But quite the opposite to the last few days, I am busting with energy, so it should be a doddle. Baked my first ever vegan cake yesterday and it has turned out to be quite a disaster LOL. It is supposed to be a pineapple upside down cake and catastrophe struck already when shopping. I was looking for pineapple RINGS. I saw tins and tins labelled pineapple chunks and when I saw another row with pineapple PIECES I just assumed that they were rings. Far from it ... just another tin of chunks! As I was half way through the cake already when I noticed, I used them anyway, which probably would have been ok if I had used the right amount. The recipe stated that it was for a very big cake, so I halved the ingredients. Only not for the pineapple. I used the whole tin. So now I have a cake which has a 1" layer of pineapple and a 1.5" layer of cake. Doh!!! It looks more like a pie than a cake. But I am sure it will taste ok and enjoyment will be had :-)

Upwards and onwards ... otherwise I wont get anything done today. Still have to bake bread and get the room ready, plus have a bath *sniff sniff* and do my bonnet. edit: It's 18:50 h now and I havent done the last two items ... never mind. Better get ready, eat and out of the door. Was shaking with anticipation earlier ... daft cow LOL

Thursday 29 January 2009

Something weird is going on ....

When I get up in the mornings (and today it was 6.10am, which is late for me) I feel fine. Lots of energy and once the painkillers have kicked in I can even move reasonably well. Then I do my usual routine and about 2 hours later my eyes get heavier and heavier and all I want to do is sleep. Now I cant be tired, can I? I reckon it has something to do with the fact, that when I sit down in the mornings with my coffee and my crochet, I start thinking about the planes and chores I have for the day. This must exhaust me so much or overstretch me so much, that all I want to do is go back to bed and shut the world out. I think my tiredness is psychological and I am trying to think of ways to beat it. Now I know there are things I absolutely HAVE to do, like my tax return for which I have only got 2 days left *arrrrgh* and the write-ups and biography for the exhibitions. I just cant bring myself to do it. My body shuts down! How do I battle this inner pig? Even if I settle down with the work at hand, my eyelids just become so so heavy and I cant concentrate. I drink coffee, but it doesnt wake me up. I concede to having a lie-down, I get up refreshed, but the moment I think of the chores, the same thing happens again. I just want to go to bed. This is so weird and very unlike me. Ok, nobody likes to do those tasks, but usually I have coped with it by at least doing something else. But I cant even do that, cant even enjoy a computer game or handicraft or TV. This might also have something to do with stopping the Citaloprams. I have got a doctors appointment next Wednesday so I will mention it. Still not heard from the various counselling agencies I have rung. But their waiting lists are as long as my arm, so I gather that might take a while anyway. It's been good writing all this down, I dont feel quite as much like I am going mad. But I am still seriously worried ....

I will force myself to go shopping now. At least ONE thing will be done then ....

Wednesday 28 January 2009

Wide eyed and legless ...

That's how I feel today. It really was NOT a good night. Up at 2 am for the first time, totally dehydrated. So down to the loo and half a bottle of water. Back to sleep about 2.45am. Wide awake at 3.50am. Downstairs for coffee and some crochet. Back to bed at 5.30am, only to get up again at 6.45am. More coffee, more crochet. Walk with the dog at 8am. So now I am ready for bed again, which I wont deprive myself of. Wondering if this is due to stopping the anti-d's about a month ago. Finally the serotonin inhibitors will have left my body, i am sure, so this might be the reason for the short bouts of sleep. And I always used to be such a good sleeper. All I can do is hope that it comes back and that I find a 'normal' sleep pattern again. Until then ....

zzzZZZzzzzzzZZZZZZzzZZZZZz

Tuesday 27 January 2009

Sorted!

That was the content of the last text message I received last night. And it made me incredibly happy and excited and longing and I could hardly refrain from jumping up and down. Because this of course means that my friend hepkittie is coming on Friday. We will have 2 whole days in each others company, which I know won't be enough, but it'll be something. We both have been through quite a lot recently, so some girlie-time together is going to give both of us some strength to carry on. There is something very special about letting a friend into your habitat for the first time, so I will do some cleaning and such, but I won't go over the top. Don't want to spend the entire weekend aching like fuck, just because I've overdone it. That just wouldn't do! Told Pete about my expected visitor and he just scrunched up his face. Oh well, the thing he usually does is disappear into his room and just come out at meal times. Anyway, I do think they might just get on. Pete is just displaying his usual insecurity and self-consciousness. It'll pass!

I had a reply from the National Museum Liverpool about my Amigurumi Exhibition. They are actually contemplating it!!! That is a mega step forward and if they do say yes after the consideration period, it has to go through some committee or something, then that might mean other museums/galleries will follow suit. A friend in Germany is also looking into finding some more venues for me, so I have already started to put my feelers out for a 'global stretch' hahaha. I have still not managed to put the adverts for the classes in. I sat over the text for quite a while, but it doesn't sound right yet. And as I said before, it has to be so brilliant for the first advert, that it really catches the attention. So I have to exercise patience until I am totally happy with the wording. Maybe discuss it with Kittie at the weekend. :-)

Still not a word from my daughter. I get the feeling that she is very capable of dealing with hate, criticism and negativity, but not with unconditional love, understanding and acceptance. Very strange!

Monday 26 January 2009

Dreams are my reality ... or how the song goes

Oh what a night (another song title)! Couldn't fall asleep until about 1am, so I just lay there cuddling the dog and listen to her breathing. Whenever I do that, I can't help but thinking that one day I won't be able to hear that anymore. I get sad, I cry. I can't sleep. Well, at least I can cry again and that very plentyful too. When I finally did fall asleep I very promptly had a strange dream about the dog. 'I had gone to some big punk festival, not just stages there, but also tents and booths where you could buy stuff. Isis was off the lead, but kept close to me. Then I lost her. I ended up running around shouting her name and whistling. What seemed a long, long time, she didn't come back. When she finally did, her head was all bandaged up, even over the eyes. So I thought, that it wasn't a surprise that it took her so long to find me. I tried checking under the bandages for damage and saw some blood. I turned round to talk to somebody and when I turned back, Isis had removed all the tape around her face. She was crouching under a side table. Her injuries weren't bad, just some slash under her left eye. The person I had talked to had told me that the dog unfortunately got between 2 guys fighting and got booted. I thought that that was lucky and that she would be fine. I bent down to her to comfort her and I suddenly realised that Isis was actually talking to me. Something about that I never listened to her properly and that this was the reason she had run off. We had some sort of conversation about it and everything was ok from then. We walked out of the dream together.' The question is: What does it all mean? Who is the blind one here (bandages over eyes)? What am I not listening to? Who was fighting and why (daughter and me probably?)? I jolted awake at 3.30am with those images still vivid in my mind. Actually, they still are now. I had to go downstairs and have a cigarette, also I made sure that the dog was ok. Silly me! Went back to bed at 4am and grabbed another couple of hours sleep. But now I feel shattered and I am battling the urge to just slip back into bed. Generally speaking I could do that, I haven't got much planned today, but I would feel guilty about that. Wouldn't that mean sliding into the typical day routine of a hopelessly unemployed person? I feel at fault enough about that, I don't need to enhance it with the actions to prove it. On the other hand, bed really does look inviting ...

Nothing from Jessica yet. I guess she doesn't want to be loved and thought about at the moment. I have to leave it up to her to approach me again I reckon.

Sunday 25 January 2009

I have been a busy bee this morning

I got up at 5.30am, which is good for me. I have actually slept through the last couple of days, from about midnight until that time. I felt so much better for it. Anyway, I made coffee, crocheted a couple of mushrooms (they're so cute), went for a walk with the dog at 7.30am. Swept and mopped the kitchen floor when I got back and sat down at the computer at 8.20am. Did some work for Werner's programme (this is his joint http://www.werner-kneipe.de/) and emailed him the result. Couldn't do anymore without his ok. So I am currently waiting for that. Then I emailed my daughter just to say that I am thinking of her and her family and that I don't really know what to do at the moment. Do I write, which might be wrong, or do I keep quiet, which might be seen as sulking. Well, I am sure the reply will reveal an answer.

As I had put together a little catalogue of my Amigurumi creatures for the 2 small exhibitions I have coming up in Germany at the end of the year, I thought I'll be very bold and email some Arts & Crafts Centres in the UK too. Having done that, I feel a bit stupid now, sort of a bit too big for my boots. I wonder if any of them will get back to me. That would be a hoot :-) Will do the adverts for the classes tomorrow. As the UK is now officially in recession, I don't think that the job centre will hassle me for a while. I am MOST unemployable with all my ailments. So I might as well take the opportunity and get this small business stuff off the ground. I also thought, if I want to do some Xmas fairs this year, I better start crocheting santas, reindeers and holy kings now. I just somehow cant bring myself to do it LOL.

Hey, I am having a really good day. Must be because I am so happy that my lovely sister Kittie is coming on the weekend. I love it when I am excited ....

Saturday 24 January 2009

I give up


Had another one of those emails. Seriously, why did I bother answering her long one. All I got back is that I shouldnt have bothered as I wont listen to her and admit that she is right. Right with what, I ask? With all the accusations she made, agreeing that she is right to be abusive. How many more times do I have to admit that I made some bad choices in my life and that I regret them, in fact still pay for them ... at least with my pain and guilty conscience. The problem is, if I dont answer her email, then I will be accused of sulking, if I do answer it, then I stand accused of arguing. I just give up ....


Friday 23 January 2009

Toenails



























It must be one of the signs that treatment is well and truly over when your toenails are growing back. As I mentioned here on the blog somewhere, I had lost 2 1/2 of them completely during my rendezvous with Ribavirin and Interferon. Now I am plus 1 1/2 again, which makes me only 17.5 % short of toenails. Yippie!!! Also my hair is growing like wildfire. And so, so thick! Double yippie!
It is the little things I am grateful for.

I finally sent off an answer to my daughter's lengthy email today. It took me a long time I know, but I didnt want to write directly under the affect of the fresh words. So I left it until I had a certain distance from it. As I slept from midnight until 4.30am without interruption, I took that as a sign that the issues werent distressing me all that much anymore. Still, it was an emotional tirade of words, but hopefully without too many motherly tinged accusations and humanly tinged defences. Now I will have to wait if she writes back. I know that there will be one day when everything comes back together again, so I just have to be patient.

I also realised yesterday, that having a dog just means we are grown up enough to replace the childhood concept of an invisible friend. I always talk to Isis when I am out and about with her, if I did that without her there I'd most likely be in the looney bin by now haha. Little does Big Brother know that I am still mad.

Since I have bought myself that useful kitchen utensil on Wednesday I have been busy baking. Already made 2 loaves of bread, which are yummy (one granary, one sunflower) and I cooked some stew to go with it. I just love buttered fresh bread and stew. Dont tell anybody, but I am a country bumpkin at heart. Once I have been with Isis for the afternoon walk, which is any minute now, I will bake a coconut cake. After all, it IS weekend, but I dont really need an excuse for baking my cake and eating it :) I had lost 2kg in weight whilst being in Germany ... dont worry, I put it back on after being back home for a week although I move a lot more here and eat less. Very strange ....

My dear friend Kittie is looking into coming up for the last weekend of January. I really hope so and go mad with anticipation of seeing her again. I have missed her so much and wished every day that we lived closer, so I could pop over for a coffee or a glass of wine. I find it funny that 10 years ago I nearly had no female friends, now all of a sudden I have nearly ONLY female friends. How times change. Seems the older we get the less competitive we get and the more likely we get on with eachother (women that is). Have we finally really grown up and the bitch years are over???

Talking about female friends. T has chucked her treatment and seems to be completely going off the rails. I cant reach her, she wont talk/write to me. I wonder why LOL ... because I would have to say a thing or 2 to her. Never mind, she probably needs blowing a gasket now and will soon be ready for the mending shop. She'll get through it, I know, she is a strong person!

I have been a busy bee since getting back, doing a lot of long overdue paperwork and crocheting like mad. Still havent placed the adverts though, its on my agenda for Monday. By then I should be finished with the more pressing stuff.

Ok, off out now ... shalom & namasté

Wednesday 21 January 2009

Sleep just doesn't come easy these days

Urrrgh, and I feel bloody rotten for it. Banging headache, dizziness, shivers and hot flushes ... and no, it's not a cold or the flu. Went to bed just after midnight and managed to fall asleep around 1am. Woke up at 3am, went to the loo, back to bed and jolted into consciousness at 5am. Not an ounce of tiredness left at that point. Got up and crocheted a hippo, went for a walk with the dog, read through daughters' lengthy email again and now I am battling with heavy eyelids and the aforementioned symptoms. And I had planned to get the free bus to Tesco's at 10.50am to finally spend the £20 gift voucher from my dear friend on a food processor. Somehow I don't think this will happen today. I know it isn't a case of complete and utter urgency, but I hate it when I am too delapidated to do the things I really want to and plan to do. I also need to start advertising my crochet classes for March a bit more, otherwise I will have a nice hired room, but no class. With everything bouncing around in my head though, I don't feel very creative with words and I reckon there is nothing worse than a badly worded and half-heartedly placed advert. So I am going to postpone this until the weekend hoping by then I will have got back a halfway organised structure of thoughts.

Should I go back to bed now or am I just going to jeopardise my night sleep with it? Oh, decisions, decisions ....

Tuesday 20 January 2009

... I can't let go ....

As I cant think of anything else than my torn apart family at the moment, I thought I might as well post the whole story - what happened from my point of view (which strangely doesn't coincide with their point of view):

the first argument i had with the kids was after 3 days. jessi had send me out to get some food. she said that they would like one of those ready made fish meals each. as i dont like them at all, i got myself something different, veggie noodles in a pack, so they could all be shoved in the oven together. i was supposed to take care of the food that night. come 5.30pm i suddenly sensed a very tense atmosphere as my daughter was running around turning the oven on and generally banging stuff in the kitchen. i went to ask what was wrong and she started screaming at me, that food was late as they HAVE to eat at 6pm. also that i was a thoughtless bitch by buying myself something different to eat and that i couldnt do that because of kylian, who would not eat his food if somebody else was not eating the same. she also then commented that i have been so difficult the past few days, why i dont know, that i dont spend anytime with my grandson (although i had read him stories, went for a walk with him and his dad, sat with him with some colouring in) and that i should just phone my friend werner to pick me up. i went downstairs into the cellar 'flat' (my room for the time being, no tv, no heating, no radio, no nothing) and seriously contemplated leaving. then i told myself, that i was always running away from arguments and that i mustn't in this case. i went back upstairs after half an hour and talked to jessi. she just carried on with accusations always turning to her husband for confirmation. so i just apologised and promised it wouldnt happen again. silly me!!! after another couple of days we had another fall out about the fact that i wanted to go for a walk with her grannies dog. i managed to calm that one down again with promising, that i wouldnt prefer the dog's company to theirs. double silly me!!! i didnt really have any company as both of them spent as many as 12 hours per day on the computer. yes, i was as petty as timing it! i really really kept my head down after that, just waiting for her to give birth, because i so wanted to be there. relations were more than strained though, particularly because she kept telling me that i stink coz of the smoking and accusing me of being an alcoholic, coz i had a glass of wine every couple of days. when labour was finally induced on 9th january, i was more than happy, hoping i would get my daughter back the way she used to be before the pregnancy. on 10th jan in the afternoon i took grannie and kylian to the hospital. it was lovely to see my granddaughter and hold her, i was so happy i cried. as the kids told me then that they were BOTH going to stay in hospital until monday evening, i suggested that i extend my holidays for a couple of days because i wanted to see werner at the end of it for 2/3 days. so, all i was saying was that i was going to stay at their place and look after kylian until they get back. my daughter agreed to that. i could sense though that she wasnt appreciating it, but i just put it down to tiredness from the 15 hrs labour. when grannie, kylian and i got back to their place (grannie lives upstairs) i got a phone call from my son-in-law saying that i COULD stay until monday, but that i would have to be out of their flat by the time they got back because they wanted to 'get back to normal'. he said he wanted me to fly back monday morning. i did ask him how he thought i would get to the trainstation at 4am and he answered that he couldnt care less. i was somewhat flabbergasted when i put the phone down, then thought about the conversation and got downright angry. how dare they throw me out after all the cooking, cleaning, ironing etc. i had done for them in the past 12 days. as planned, about an hour later werner came round (he lives about an hour drive away and thought he'd pop in for a bit of company that evening). i had by then vented my anger to grannie and when i saw werner i told him the whole story too. he suggested i come with him and he'd drive me to the airport on monday morning. well, u know my money situation, i really couldnt refuse. sven, my son-in-law, phoned again and said that he wasnt throwing me out, just that he wanted me not to be there on monday. i beg ur pardon, but that for me is throwing somebody out, or not? anyway, i left with werner and left kylian with his great-grannie. i was so angry and i thought, that sven really didnt need to stay in hospital with jessi for 3 days. was that so bad???

as u know, i missed my plane, but werner bought me a new ticket. it was good that i staid an extra couple of days with him as he has now 'employed' me as his personal PR person. i am doing flyers for him, a 6-month programme and all the bookings of bands he needs. AND he will even pay me for it!

since i got back home i had nothing but nasty emails from my son-in-law. i havent translated them (yet), but he is basically saying that i am an alcoholic low-life, who doesnt care about her family, whose animals are more important than her own daughter and grandchildren, that i outstayed my welcome by being there for 2 weeks (although it was jessi who begged me to come for such length of time), and that i am a cheapskate, because i didnt bring 'proper' xmas presents. i must admit, i did answer the first few emails, trying to defend myself, but he kept getting nastier and nastier. so i stopped writing. the last mail i had from him was just to say that i would never see my grandchildren and daughter again, that he would make sure of that, and that i would have to expect a letter from my daughter in which she will confirm all that and telling me herself what she thought about her low-life mother.

Eventually I didnt answer S.'s mails anymore. Very promptly I got some text messages from my daughter with a similar content to her hubby's communications. I then wrote the letter in the previous blog post. Since that I had an email from my daughter, which printed out, was 7 pages long. I haven't even completely read it yet, as the first couple of page made me cry with hurt and scream with anger. So I am going through it bit by bit and find rational, sensible words in which I can answer it. This is just such a mess and all-consuming at the moment, my spirituality is slowly going out the window and it's a struggle to be positive and strong. I feel I am losing all the traits I have fought so hard to gain over the past few months. Maybe I was just too sure all was going well and needed bringing down a peg or two??

Will try and have some shut-eye now. Dont manage more than 2 hours at a time, then I jolt up and all these grinding emotions are back :(


P.S. Tried to edit this post, so it doesnt come up as a link, but not joy! It's being stubborn ... sorry.

Sunday 18 January 2009

The time I realised my daughter had turned into my mother ....

... and bitterness rules her and her husbands life? After a few very nastily worded mails from my son-in-law and me hitting back equally bad, I wrote my daughter the following email today:

Dear J.,

It is about time that I write to you personally and finish communicating with S. In the last few days I have suffered from his words, I was unable to sleep and couldnt think of anything else. During my morning meditation today I suddenly realised, that this whole situation has hardly anything to do with me. I did read all his mails again and noticed that most of the points he has raised are things with which he or you can't cope yourselves. Ok, so some stuff was purely written to put a dagger between my ribs, but I won't and I can't hold that against him. I am old enough and strong enough to take it. But what really worries me is why you both are so incredibly bitter and negative from the core. I did particularly notice that in your flat which reeks with negative energy. I am also sad about the fact that you (or both of you) won't accept any help to see the world in a brighter, more pleasant light. Essentially I can see the goodness and love in both of you and I can't undstand why you both closed up so much over the past few years. I would love to get to the root of it, it would be a starting point. At the moment I can only observe that you see merely the bad in each person which causes you to react with intolerance and aggression.This hurts, particularly because it is happening to 2 people who are so near and dear to me. Why so grim? Why did you create such tight boundaries, which only allow your own limitations? Why so narrow-minded with everything and everybody? Where does all the fear come from? Wouldn't you world be a nicer place, if you did accept that there are different concepts for living in it besides your own? These other concepts can be enriching, there is no need to be afraid of them. But to accept them one has to open up and WANT to acknowledge them.

Unfortunately I let myself go and answered S. in a similar tone to his. For that I am sorry. The meaning of 'What goes around comes around' (i.e. I just echoed his attitude) suddenly became crystal clear today. But that was my challenge and I learned from it. Hopefully it will never happen again. I promise to try and treat S. with more respect in the future.

Your husband informed me that I can expect a mail from you in the near future to confirm his thoughts and opnions about me. That's ok, I still would like to hear from you. Should you want to tell me that you don't want to further engage with me (sorry if I am maybe jumping to the wrong conclusion), then I would like you to consider the fact that it is YOUR decision and not mine. Du you really want to burn all bridges? I can see clearly what is happening here, but I do not want to influence you. After all, you're a grown-up and you have to choose your own path in life. I can't force anybody to be happy.



I hope my words weren't too harsh, I wonder what her/their response will be ... if any. Originally I meant to translate all the mails I received over the past few days, but then I thought that it just means repeating all the nastiness and negativity, which in due course would only attract more of the same. For the time being I will keep a copy of those words, but I hope to be able to bury them somewhere in the ground soon, so they will have served their purpose.

Namasté

Friday 16 January 2009

My oh my ....

... where do I start. Finally got back from Germany 2 days ago. First of all, I would like to state that I must under all circumstances in the future trust my instincts. I was worried about this visit and it has turned out that going there was one of the worst decisions I have made in a long time!!! It has all ended in disaster and looks as if the relationship with the kids might be forever lost. I just knew when I went that something will happen, just didnt realise it might be as disasterous as it has turned out. Havent got the time or energy today to write it all down, as I need to do some translations first, so it ends up making sense. Anyway, I am so glad to be back home and I can appreciate my own 4 walls and everything that's in them so much more.

I think the only positive thing I brought back from this journey
were the last couple of days I spent at Werner's place and the plans we made for his restaurant/club. I am officially now his very own PR and advertising agency LOL. His place has got so much potential, it just needs some organising. So we are planning events for it and putting them together in a programme, which is my job. First off though I am making a flyer for him for Beltane Night on 30th April. I suggested a Goth night, as he has got the most brilliant old cellar bar. No doubt I will let you see soon what I have come up with.

For now, nighty night, still upset about an email earlier, so adrenaline went skyhigh and now I am dog tired.

Thursday 1 January 2009

Oh, yes it is ....

So, it remains to be seen what it will bring. Despite illness, treatment and plenty of ups and downs, 2008 wasn't too bad. However, I've been looking forward to this year now as I somehow know, this is going to be THE ONE!!! The one where everything will balance itself out, where success and self-appreciation will be part of my daily diet, where pressures and journeys into old, self-destructive realms are finally going to be a thing of the past. I have learned so much in the last few months and now i will have time to apply this knowledge and wisdom. I haven't got many wishes for 2009, just that I don't waver from the path I have started and that the rippling of the stone I have thrown into the pool of love will continue to ripple and spread out.

I hope you all are happy and content, loving others and yourselves.

Namaste ...