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Yes, I am getting excited to the point of feeling sick! I did have about 8 cups of coffee, however, so that might have something to do with it ;-) Everything is packed, apart from make up and toothbrush, just hope I won't forget that in the early hours of the morning. I can be such a brainless nitwit sometimes ... errrm ... most of the time. Went to the pet shop & the supermarket and bought enough animal fodder to last the week. Had a bath in lovely Lush bath bomb to calm me down, but it didn't really help. Shaved, scrubbed, moisturised with tanning stuff - smelling goooooood. Taxi is ordered for 5am, getting up at 3.30am. By the time I arrive I will be shattered, but at least I am flying from the local airport! I might have to have a beer tonight, just so I can sleep. Had big plans to crash out during the day, but there was just too much to do, although I did only half of what I had planned, and anyway, nerves wouldnt have permitted it.
Worried about Isis though. She is still scratching and nibbling like mad. I found some spikey seeds on her yesterday and was wondering if they might do it. She has been brushed every day at the moment and been under my scrutinising eye for fleas. Nothing there! So I haven't got a clue what the skin irritation might be. Was wondering if it was stress as I was packing my bag the last week. She knows I am going away and doesn't leave my heels at the moment. Bloody sensitive thing!!!
Oh yes, and I bleached my hair. It was just wayyyyyyyy too boring dark. I will put some purple into the fringe in a minute too. 50 years and not a bit wiser LOL. Well, whoever doesn't like it, doesn't have to look at me. My daughter told me not to look too middle-aged, so I have got an excuse. She better not tell me it looks stupid now :-)
I wave goodbye to everybody, I will report back in a week. Be happy!!!
This is the new me. The hair had to go as it didn't stop falling out. This reminds me of when I was about 30. Mind you, then I had things like leopard skin pattern or stripes dyed into it. That of course I can do now. I went out yesterday and bought some clippers. £6.99 at Argos. Much cheaper than going to the hairdressers or even the barbers ;-) I left the fringe. As there arent any sores at the front, I thought I'll bleach it and put some pink or purple in. Dont want to look too straight!! This is also me without any make up!!! I would not have done THAT , when I was 30. Having a picture taken without make up. Oh the joys of being fifty ;-) It feels quite nice running a hand over the stubbles, probably get people wanting to stroke me haha. Anyway, they say cutting all your hair off gets rid of a lot of old issues. I shall report if I start feeling different.
Have a nice, peaceful & happy weekend everybody.
I was angry when I got up this morning and throughout the early day, so angry that I had stomach cramps and difficulties drawing a breath. Anger and arguments do that to me. This was only a virtual spat, namely on the forum, but it did hurt. I don't go there to endure a personal attack, having things thrown in my face, which I wrote in honesty and trust, also being patronised and basically told that I am stupid. How conceited must a person be to assume that, without knowing much about the other individual? Anyway, to avoid furher hurt and an explosion on my part, where I only would show myself up and open up to more attacks, I am taking a breather from it, to regain my self control, self worth and confidence. But can I just say: WHAT AN ARSEHOLE!!! I did briefly post that I won't be on until after the holiday. That is 13 days and should be enough. If I am then insulted again, I will draw the consequences, may they be ever so hard, to leave the board completely. It would be a great shame, but the people who want to keep contact with me can email. But let's not close the stable door BEFORE the horse has bolted.
Anyway, I went downtown at lunchtime, trying to look for a swimming costume, in case we do go swimming when I am there. As I was pottering through the supermarket after an unsuccessful ramble through all the clothes and second hand shops (well, they've all got the winter range of clothing now), I bumped into Nicola, an ex-colleague from the home for homeless young people who I was close to then, but we lost contact. Phone numbers changed and she is a traveller as well, so I would never be able to find out where she was living at any given time. We had a good natter, in the middle of an aisle, and she took my phone number, saying let's get together for some dinner when she is off work. Also, she is now employed at Jamaica Street Hostel for the Homeless, a place where I always wanted to work. I asked her if there was any vacancies and apparently they are looking for receptionists and night staff. So I will be straight on the phone on Monday. The good thing about it is, that there are many drug addicts and alcoholics living there, so I can certainly do some awareness work and maybe progress up the ladder too. Keeping everything firmly crossed for that.
Then I stood at the bus stop and the second ex-colleague from the same place walked past. I called her and she was really happy to see me, hugging me and squeezing me. Again, a good conversation and catch up was had and then she left. Funnily enough I found out that she used to have HepC ... contracted it through snorting cocaine. So she understood treatment and its implications.
So now I am back home, smiling and celebrating life once more. Stuff the negative people, welcome all my shiny people. You know who you are! Blessings to you.
There must be something massively wrong with me. I have met 3 people over the past few months, who I established a lovely pen contact with. Then I meet these people in person, I spend some time with them ... and voilá ... they disappear out of my life. I do try to convince myself, that it is their loss, not mine. But ultimately I do feel that it is my loss too. I just wish I knew why it happened, why they don't want any contact with me anymore, what I did/said wrong. I am working on not dwelling on this, but I can feel it eating away on me. It also makes me cautious to suggest to other people to meet up. People not liking me used to be a dead given in my druggy days, but I really thought I had progressed from that. Then I know I used to be horrible, cold and distant, always looking to get a fix out of my acquaintances and 'friends'. I am a better person now, really I am. I give more than I receive (I hope) and I choose to do so. I also live my life without hurting anybody intentionally. The old Wiccan principle: Do as you want to be done by. So what the fuck is still wrong with me? Where can I improve, how can I be even a better person?
Starting to look forward to the holidays now. Out of these for walls, the first time since March really. Hopefully the weather won't let me down too much. I want to enjoy the outdoors and not be stuck indoors or get soaking wet when outside. Well, I shall see. Still anticipating a good time ....
Oh, by the way, up to 110 squares for the blanket now. It was supposed to be 12 x 12, but have decided now to make it 15 x 15 pieces, i.e. 1.5 x 1.5 m. This means I need to crochet 125 more ... arrrgh!
Oh yes it is! I think I can almost say I feel better than I felt before starting treatment and that is saying something. I haven't had a daytime nap for days now, in fact I usually get up between 6 and 7 am, stay awake during the day, taking it relatively easy though, and go to bed around 11 pm. I can climb hills again without having to stop 10 times and I take the dog out for a couple of hours without feeling overly exhausted or sick afterwards. 4 weeks ago half an hour was a major achievement. Ok, I am lucky and don't have to go to work yet, but currently I think I would even be able to manage that, providing it was the right job. So I have started looking. Nothing to be done before the holiday though, but it's good to know what's out there. Found a couple of Youth Worker vacancies, which are only between 6 & 10 hours per week. That might be a start and they also offer the Youth Worker qualifications into the bargain. One of them even is a street worker job, something I would love to do. Hence I will spend the next couple of days filling in the application forms. Typically me, I have lost my CV when my last computer went to meet its maker. So I will have to construct one of them again. Why can I never save important documents to a CD *rolling eyes*
Tomorrow morning I am signing the papers for the house. I will then learn the figures regarding payout as well and can start planning renovations etc. All the painting & decorating I can do myself, with a bit of help from said friends. It will be a nice challenge and to restore the house to its former glory quite satisfying.
I also have to go shopping. I had planned to go over to Tesco's on the free bus and invest in some kitchen scales and maybe a swimming costume, spending the voucher my dear friend Humble sent me for my birthday. Unfortunately, the bus only runs at 10.40 am and returns at 1 pm. As the mortgage chap is coming at 10 am I don't think I will make that. Therefore it will be ASDA once again and the other trip on Friday. Must do it before the holiday!! Started to look for clothes to pack today and was as usual at a loss. I am dreadful with packing! Either I do it weeks before and change it about 50 times, or I end up chucking something in a bag last minute, only to arrive and find that everything is totally not colour co-ordinated and I hate wearing it and end up buying new stuff wherever I am. Not exactly the point of a cheap holiday, is it?
... not EXACTLY like clockwork yet, although I don't suppose I'd even know how that would feel, but in a bearable and almost enjoyable way. Tiring naturally, when I have done a lot, and not getting tired when I am just lounging around. I would never class myself as normal, but this feels at least like some sort of normality.
I had a visitor from the forum on Saturday and also Sunday morning. A very nice person, very lively and outgoing, despite his HepC. He came up to have a look at the house in Ludlow Rd as him, his partner and dog are getting kicked out of their present accommodation by the end of the month. I was mightily embarrassed to take him into the house, it looks worse than I remembered, plus Sally was there as well. Don't know what he thought, but he didn't seem too shocked. I guess he will explain to his g/f and we will see if they do move in and help with the renovations. I need to speak to Doug now and discuss the financial arrangements. This is such a chance for us to both get some money out of the property we both abandoned, really. That's the long term plan anyway, and on the short time scale, I should at least get a car out of it. After all, I will have to transport building materials and run back and forth, seeing that I am the one in situ. Just keeping my fingers crossed that Doug's oh-so-laid-back attitude doesn't interfere. Plus Sally wants to be 'involved in the project'. Well her ideas and mine are chalk and cheese, luckily most of the time she is in Wales, so I reckon that gives me (and the people who will live there) some sort of lee way. It is quite exciting all this planning and seems to give me some extra energy.
Today I haven't got much planned. More squares for the baby blanket, a bit of TV (as I can watch again and it actually makes sense), a bit of housework, a couple of walks with the dog and I devilishly got out of cooking tonight, as I have leftovers for myself from yesterday. Chilli always tastes better the second day, AND I can east it with my favourite noodles ... Suebish Spaetzle yummmmmmmm!!!
So I did finally crash!!! Woke up at 4am on Tuesday morning with the most horrible shivering, cold sweats and incredible bone and muscle ache. It took me about half an hour before I could muster up the strength to go downstairs to get some painkiller. Since finishing treatment I didn't have them by my bedside anymore. That tought me a valuable lesson and they are back up here where they belong. The whole of Tuesday I spent in bed, not even Isis got a walk, living on painkillers and feeling sorry for myself. Yesterday was slightly better, so I did the much needed shopping, which was a big mistake as it left me feeling bad this morning again. As the day went on though, things progressed for the better and I am feeling almost normal again, apart from the bone ache. It is a strange pain. Not like my usual arthritis pain, more like the insides of my bones are aching, like daggers or electric shocks through my bone marrow. Surely you shouldnt be able to feel your marrow?? Anyway, I very much hope that this was the one and only crash and it stays uphill for now. I have gotten so used to feeling better, that this was a most worrying experience.
Doug has decided to sign the house over to me. Not quite sure what brought this about, but it's fine with me. We haven't argued about it for the last 20 years and I am sure we won't start now. He will carry on to pay the mortgage, which will be reduced as I am taking it over as single ownership. The intention is to restore it to its former glory and sell it. Profits for both of us and he can buy somewhere with his current partner, which she is giving him grief about anyway. Whatever!!! I am just glad that the house is still there, because we can help one of my HepC friends with a place to live and as he is a carpenter, he will help us renovate the house. One hand washes the other so to speak! I just hope he likes it there, I know it's a mess at the moment as it has been empty for over a year, just with Doug sleeping there once in a blue moon, and we all know what he is like haha.
My flight has been booked for the holiday, so I am really looking forward to it. I think I deserve a week away after all I have been trough. I know I will miss Naarla and Isis after about 2 days, but I know that Pete will take good care of them. That is one of the things I can rely on with him. So, thank you Pete! That has to be said once in a while.
My baby blanket is progressing. 51 squares already! Picture on the front ... when there were less. Jessica likes the colours ... phewwww :-)
Today I feel a little down and sad. I dont know what has caused this, probably just the constant rain during the week. Or maybe it is because my beloved Nomads Forum is closed for maintenance and I can't touch base with friends. And there I was yesterday saying 'Oh I won't miss it' and 'I've got lots of other stuff to do'. Hah! I probably just go back to bed. Well, I have been getting up at 6am nearly every morning this week, no catnapping during the day and although I didn't do anything strenous I did do things and was happy doing them. Seems slowly my interest in things return. I even got out the guitar on Thursday, tuned it up and strummed a couple of songs. Better not tell you that I sang along with them loudly, because my voice sounds as if it is coming from the bottom of a metal watering can. But it didn't matter - it certainly released some happy hormones and I was humming and 'dum-bi-do'ing the rest of the time. That's why it is strange to feel down today. Oh whatever - I am sure it will pass.
The baby blanket I am crocheting for my daughter is progressing nicely too. 144 Afghan squares in reds, purples, pinks and white are needed. I have not even got 20 yet! But I do have until January to finish it.
Still don't know where the holiday at the end of the month will take me. Found one very cheap flight from Bristol to Porto (£38), but I have never been to Portugal, so wouldn't know where to stay. But maybe that is half the adventure. But ... we're talking Atlantic coast here, probably rough and not exactly beachy. And I so wanted some sun, sand and sea. Warm sea! That's why I wanted to go back to Gozo. But for some reason the flights are just too expensive at this time of year. Another alternative is Stansted to Alghero in Sardinia. That would be more my cup of tea I reckon. Hardly any tourists, Med and therefore warm, and plenty of remote beaches. Well, will check my emails to see what Werner thinks about it all.
I very much notice that I am getting stronger day by day. Yesterday I did my first long walk with the dog after 6 months. Nearly 2 hours, from here down the Northern Slopes, along the road to Victoria Park, all our usual walks there, and all the way back up the hill. Only at the very last bit I felt a bit breathless. Still struggling with the headaches and foggy brain, and more and more again with achey joints. I was seriously (and probably am still) waiting for the crash and the weepiness and sadness settling in, but so far my mental state has still been one of delight and joy. Maybe I am one of the few who doesn't sink into depression after treatment.
I have started to look for work. Two employment agencies already denied me a job. They didn't actually say that it was because of the Hep C, but wrote 'that after careful consideration' they couldnt offer me work. What else, but HCV would cause that. If I was 'normal', they would have at least invited me for an interview and then probably decided, that I didn't look right. Anyway, I have dug out some hospital and some government jobs, I might or might not apply. In a way I am thinking it would be good to just get 16 hours a week to start with, sort of to get used to work again, although it only has been 8 months at home, and with those hours it wouldnt affect my benefit either. Also, the Bristol Drugs Project is looking for volunteers. That might be a start in the right direction and I wouldn't be out of place there! Still trying to get my head round it all.
First though - holidays. It might not be Malta after all. Werner has not booked anything yet and is leaving the logistics to me. I have to send him the flight I want and he will book it & pay for it. Not a bad arrangement either ;-) I am thinking I might want to go to Sardinia. I know it is very quiet there, so that might be just what I need. Other options are: Zadar in Croatia, Valencia, Santiago de Compostela, Rimini, Majorca, Jerez or Faro. Oh the choices!!! Funnily enough, I cannot find any flights to Greece, neither Ryanair nor Easyjet. I wonder where they are hiding. I have to hurry up with it too, as Werner wants to go from 23.-30. September. Better make my mind up soon!
... turn out the light! Although we never had any music all the way through the party. That must either mean, that we're all getting old or we were being sufficiently entertained by each other. I for my part would say it was the latter. I was overwhelmed all the way trough the day. Presents from Australia and America, phonecalls from those locations, a beautiful birthday cake ... sponge with yummy icing, my fav!!!! Then the wonderful dedication and high spirits when leafletting in the afternoon. It was really good to see how devoted my fellow heppers are to the awareness raising. Thanks, friends! I think we did a marvellous job. Even if those 2 people go and get tested, we will have fulfilled our aim for the day, dont you think? Then the evening festivities. We never needed fish & chips, there was plenty of food left from lunchtime. Also the most gorgeous, delicious and irresistable Pavlova was brought by a local hepper. The bit that was left over at night, some of us had as breakfast on Sunday :)
I was impressed how many people did make the party despite being on treatment or not feeling to bright for other reasons. So thank you again all that came. The ones that had to cancel due to health or mental reasons, you were sorely missed, but I am sure you will be able to come to the next nomadic gathering. The ones that just couldnt be bothered ... oh well, nothing I can say to that.
I am still suffering the aftermath of the preparations, late night and clearing up. But I suffer it happily, because it was so worth it. My mental attitude is more positive than ever, I am sure the body will pull level soon enough. Now I have to start planning some campaigning and awareness raising for the future. I am ready for it!
At this point, a big thanks & a hug to my handsome, clever and lovely press officer. I wont mention the name, you know who you are! :-x
