Weekend over

Another weekend of misery, pillow mayhem, twitching night legs and endless hours of counting sheep is over. I wonder how many of those I have got left until I rediscover my usually undisturbed sleep pattern? But, I am not moaning, it is going uphill and I have to remember that.

Tomorrow and Thursday I will be spending the night at Chris's flat. Him and Lou have gone to france (visiting future parents-in-law hahaha) and so I have been asked to look after the cats. This time though, I have said, that I cant go back and forth as I havent got the car anymore AND I am on treatment. So I am going to do 2 x 24 hour stints and Lynne will attempt to do the rest. I just hope she doesnt try to feed them dog food LOL. When I was at Roskilde the last time and she was looking after cat and rabbit, she texted me and said, that she had run out of rabbit food and was it ok to feed him dry cat biscuits. I dont think I need to say anymore. Some people are just not in tune with the animal world ;-) So, anyway, I am going over tomorrow afternoon and then again on Thursday afternoon, as I have my 16 weeks blood then anyway and am over that way. The 2 travellers will return on Sunday, so even if Lynne forgets the cats on Saturday, quite possible due to hangover, they should be ok until Chris comes back.

Ohhh, I just thought, that means doing my Thursday shot in different surroundings o.O that could be quite an experience!

My Bed

My Bed

My bed is my best friend these days

It hugs me when I need it most

I often lay in it and gaze

Up to the stars in space

Which seem so lost.

My bed envelops me quite neatly

From chin to hips down to my toes

It makes me feel secure completely

And always does invite me sweetly

To count my woes.

I cry in it

I laugh in it

I hate in it

I love in it

It gives me peace for reading and writing

It gives me calm for sleeping and dreaming

It gives me space for thinking and deciding

It gives me freedom to be on my own.

My bed is my best friend these days

I promise never to forget

Not even when I will be in another place

With better times and healthier days

This was an ode … to my bed.

27.06.2008

Sixteen

I wish I was! But no, it was just shot 16 last night. Got hit almost instantly with really bad shoulder and neck pain. Dosed up on the codeine, because it was so bad. Almost felt like that time when my neck seized and I couldnt move it for weeks. Anyway, much better this morning, mentally bright and cheerful. It's probably the thought of having only 8 more injections to go. Time seems to whizz past at the moment. Just as well ....

Haunting Thoughts

At this stage of treatment I find that I am still very tired during the day (but not at night). So I get up around 8am, and I usually lie down again around 10am. I used to be able to get straight back to sleep, or at least after reading a few pages. Not so these days. I still lay down, as I feel it's the best I can do, but then these haunting thoughts start. I try not to think about anything in particular, but it's like when you start to doodle on a pad ... you draw a circle, then a circle around it, then keep the pen going into a spiral and before you know it, the pad is covered with squiggles. Same for my brain. Usually start with self-pitying thoughts, then move to strong thoughts, like 'I can do this' and 'I am only looking after myself' and end up in thoughts about the future, things I want to do and things I dont want to do ... like die for example. And as I think about the future, I know exactly that that is only dreams and that it wont come true, because to make them true I should have started to think about them in my 20s and made provisions for their possibility of coming true. But no, I had to fuck it all up with drugs *rolling eyes*. Anyway, these thoughts now bring me back to the self pity I started with and hey ho, off I go again.

Sometimes I just get up at that point, like now!

Parents!!!

Yes, the dates of my parents' birthdays are approaching again! 1st and 13th of July. And as every year I drop into a deep hole and experience a very reproachful time. Also as every year, I ask myself if I should write a card. Knowing full well, that in my father's case there just wont be an answer and in my mother's case I either get an abusive email or card back. I haven't even seen my dad for 26 years. After sending me that letter to Israel, in which he called me the worst names under the sun, I thought it was best left at that. My mother I havent seen in 8 years, it was her decision to through me out during my holidays there. I have tried to make up with her many times, but she just insists, that the only way to make up would be me coming to her and me apologising to her. And I really don't know what I should apologise for. For the mistakes I made in my youth, I have apologised 100 times over. I can't apologise for not being married to a doctor or lawyer, neither for not being a secretary to some big firm boss, ok, the way I look is my choice ... but that is it: MY CHOICE. I am nearly 50 years of age, I believe I live a life in which I don't harm anybody intentionally, I can look after myself and have never relied on hand-outs. So what is so wrong with that?

So, it looks as if I will spend the next 3 weeks in the dark hole ... and then emerge stronger as I will have resisted the card writing urge.

Giving up ....

thinking about side effects. I believe they are here to stay and to get a little worse each week. 9 weeks left ... I can do it! And then for the reverse process hopefully. And this is all I am going to say about that matter.


Otherwise, nothing really happening. Mindwise pretty sound, despite the crumbling body. Still feeling a bit lost though, not quite capable of making firm plans for after yet. I know I need to think about work options, but if truth be told, at this point in time I would love to be able to take early retirement. And then work for myself to top up the dosh. Still got the Hepper B&B in mind somehow, but how to finance that? I just wouldnt get a loan from a bank and rich relatives are extremely few and even more extremely far in between. On the other hand, I think if it is to be ... then it will happen somehow.

que será será ....

Ready to kill

... and not in a nice way either. This is the 3rd week running with headaches, relentless and unforgiving. Doesnt matter what I do, no tablets work, lavender and nitiver dont work, sleeping makes it worse, being awake too, computer/tv/reading, near impossible. What I am supposed to do? Sit it a quiet, darkened room for the rest of the treatment? I have been considering splashing out and treating myself to a neck and shoulder massage, but I know I shouldnt really. And also, as certain points at the back of my neck are so painful to touch, I wonder what a massage would do? Send me up the nearest lamp post probably. And the constant cracking noise isnt pleasant either. Another 10 weeks like this and I WILL kill somebody.

Looking forward to Wednesday though when Wendy is coming to visit. It's her birthday that day too, so I am thinking of making her a cake. This of course involves going down to the bank and shops, which I wanted to do today. Trying hard to push myself to get there. If I dont go soon though, I never will ....

My head and 14

Injection No. 14 is approaching with mega steps. After having a week with full on headaches every day and pain beyond belief in my shoulders, I am naturally wondering, what is going to happen this time. I have cut down on my computer time during the day a lot, just as to not aggrevate the head too much, but in the evenings there is nothing else to do. It's either up here surfing away or doing some poster stuff for the Nomads, or downstairs with P watching Inpector Wexford or Minder. I know what I rather do!!!

Doogal was here on Monday, which was really nice. Although we dont see each other much anymore and although we have been through such harsh times about 4 years back, we will never loose our special connection. He is the one friend I can talk to about everything, and I mean EVERYTHING, and quite often I dont even have to say something for him to know what I was going to say. Shame he is with that mad woman. I can see how he suffers, but he is not going to leave her, because he feels responsible. Not that I have any interest in that respect in him. Been there, done that ... 20 years ago. But I miss having him around more.

Pete is surprising me at the moment. He is doing a lot more household stuff, even mows the lawn without being asked. I am sure he is after something :-D But I dont think there is any chance of going back there either. Somehow, if it doesnt work the first time round, it's not likely to work at the second attempt. But I will explain that to him, when I am healthy again. I wouldnt be able to mentally survive an argument at the moment without collapsing into a snivveling heap. Some things are best left to later times!

Roll on evening and shot 14 now!

Doomed!!!

I am doomed I tell you! Number 13 has hit with a vengeance. I have had headaches after shots before, but not quite like this. My muscles and joints keep giving way that moment I am an the stairs, and twice today I found myself sitting down on them unplanned. Quite lucky I didnt fall really. Seems I have to be different in everything. Where as most people find treatment easier either towards the middle or towards the end, I so far had it rough beginning and middle, and somehow I can't convince myself that the end will be much better. And then of course the detox. How quickly will this shit leave my body or am I am going to be one of the really unlucky ones and it decides to never leave?

Today was one of those days where I could have happily just slept through. Even nice weather outside doesnt do it for me anymore. That is so atypical for me! I meant to do the lawns today, clean the rabbit, clean the house, as my landlady is coming round for contract renewal. What have I done? I have dusted, hoovered (downstairs, in the hope she doesnt go upstairs), tried to move the rabbit hutch outside because he stinks, but managed to break a leg off, so now he is stuck halfway in and halfway out the back door (smelly end out LOL) and will go and sweep up and mop the kitchen and porch floor now. I would like to leave that too, but would feel too guilty. On the other hand, I told P 3 days ago that they are coming round and that some cleaning needs to be done. He hasnt lifted a finger! So why should I do everything. And surely Liz wont blame me, knowing about tx and all. So there!!! *evil grin*

I am seriously wondering, if I have over the last few years become asexual. Although I still look at men and women as beautiful or attractive, I dont have the urge to have sex with either gender. In fact the simple thought about sex makes me somewhat cringe. I have never really enjoyed it, only in short bouts at beginnings of relationships, and I have always felt guilty about my reduced sex drive. Now at my age, I dont need excuses for it anymore. It will remain to be seen, if this non-existent libido is actually down to the HCV and/or treatment, and might return when all this is over, or if it is something permanent. It wouldnt greatly disturb me. At my age, nobody ist going to look at me lustily and expect plenty of action between the sheets, so I am safe I think. This does, however, not mean, that I dont love people, because I do. What a weird place to be in!!

urrrrrrrrrrrrrgs ....

Well, this could be a pic of me at the moment. Feeling dreadfully empty, in heart and soul. I so want to animate the flow of creative energy, but get stuck with thinking about it and not doing, which of course pollutes the flow even further. I keep telling myself, that maybe now is not the time for creativity and moving forward, but on the other hand I want it so much, mainly because I will never have as much time on my hands again. Once recovered, I will have to go back to do some sort of job to be able to survive. The freelance work has completely dried up, so no extra monies coming in. Luckily I only spend about £30 a week at the moment. It's such a difference to before, when I didnt have to worry about how much I spend. Tomorrow though I might splash out on some baby wool and hopefully start knitting baby clothes and crocheting the mobile for the crib hehe. Thanks Kittie for those ideas :-)

Bath College has cancelled my online course as I didnt maintain logging in and sending assignments at regular intervals. However, they have offered me that I can finish it, when treatment is over. So I suppose I have to be grateful for that.

I hope tonight I might be able to get back to doing the logo and the next flyer for the Nomads Forum. Had to get away from it for a couple of days, the constant staring at the monitor was making my head pound.

Another hospital appointment tomorrow. More bloods and a fresh set of syringes and Ribavirins. Yayyy ... more drugs!!!

True Colours

I havent blogged for a fair few days now, a week I think. I was confused and shook up, trying to get level headed again on top of feeling really affected by the side effects this time.

Werner arrived last Tuesday, I managed to drive to the airport, wait around (outside) for nearly an hour and drive all the way back without too much trouble. Couple of iffy moments, but nobody but me noticed. Pete had told me on Monday that he had taken the week off too, something about not being able to take holidays until September. Single people, no kids have a holiday ban during summer at the DWP. Anyway, he was nice enough to Werner, making us coffee and sitting with us. They couldnt really talk, Werner's English being very little and Pete's German non-existent, which probably was a blessing in disguise. Not that there was anything to hide on my part, just because I know how P can be when he wants to. I drove them to the gig in the evening and picked them up again. They seemed to have had a good time and all was amicable. We still sat together for a while, chatting about it. Then W went off to sleep. Oh, I forgot, they both had a fair amount to drink!! Whilst I was putting stuff away in the kitchen, I asked P if the rabbit had been fed. He went totally off on one about me shirking my responsibilities and that the illness was an excuse and that I wasnt really ill at all, something about I was lying to myself about it, by which time I felt so hurt, that I walked off and went to bed. I wasnt going to have a row with a bevvied up person. I couldnt sleep most of the night, crying and thinking and not knowing what to do. The next morning he was as sweet as pie again, but I dont trust the situation now and I feel that he hates me, or at least parts of me. I just cant explain to myself, why he asked a few days before if I could imagine a 'proper' relationship with him again?? He also told me that he found a draught letter to my friend Chiara from about 2 1/2 years ago, in which I wrote that he turns me off sexually. Now I cant find this letter, and I also cant remember writing it (but that doesnt mean much). But this would explain why he went completely off me after I was diagnosed. On the other hand ... maybe this is just an excuse?? I wish I could talk to him, but he is just being his usual self of 'yes' and 'no' again. And I cant push the matter as I am afraid of another outburst. Oh what to do?

Noticed that the Interferon peaks 72 hours after injection have turned worse than the initial peak. I have asked people on the forum, and it looks as if this happens to quite a few people. So the health professionals lie when they say the worst is over after 24 hours and also that it gets better with time. But anyway, how would they know? It's not them doing the treatment, is it?

My mouth is so sore at the back again, that I can hardly swallow and the whole jawbone is feeling sore, including all the roots of the teeth. My muscles just keep collapsing and cramping when I walk, especially up the stairs, and just going from the living room to the kitchen leaves me absolutely breathless at times. This is strange though, as my bloods have been quite good compared with some other people. Maybe I am just a wimp!