At this stage of treatment I find that I am still very tired during the day (but not at night). So I get up around 8am, and I usually lie down again around 10am. I used to be able to get straight back to sleep, or at least after reading a few pages. Not so these days. I still lay down, as I feel it's the best I can do, but then these haunting thoughts start. I try not to think about anything in particular, but it's like when you start to doodle on a pad ... you draw a circle, then a circle around it, then keep the pen going into a spiral and before you know it, the pad is covered with squiggles. Same for my brain. Usually start with self-pitying thoughts, then move to strong thoughts, like 'I can do this' and 'I am only looking after myself' and end up in thoughts about the future, things I want to do and things I dont want to do ... like die for example. And as I think about the future, I know exactly that that is only dreams and that it wont come true, because to make them true I should have started to think about them in my 20s and made provisions for their possibility of coming true. But no, I had to fuck it all up with drugs *rolling eyes*. Anyway, these thoughts now bring me back to the self pity I started with and hey ho, off I go again.
Sometimes I just get up at that point, like now!
3 comments:
i like to refer to the after breakfast nap as 'siesta of the lazy cow'...and my family swear by them!
xxx
Hehehe, and what you call the afternoon one and the early evening one?? And I would pronounce it in French: La Siesta de la Moo Lazy *hrr hrr*
xxxxx
That is a good comparison thoughts to doodles. My kids have been good to tell me its the meds when I start acting and thinking like someone else. I seem perfectly normal to myself so I can't wait to see who I am post tx. Maybe we are butterfly s in our cocoons getting ready to emerge. Thats a nice thought.
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