Yes, the dates of my parents' birthdays are approaching again! 1st and 13th of July. And as every year I drop into a deep hole and experience a very reproachful time. Also as every year, I ask myself if I should write a card. Knowing full well, that in my father's case there just wont be an answer and in my mother's case I either get an abusive email or card back. I haven't even seen my dad for 26 years. After sending me that letter to Israel, in which he called me the worst names under the sun, I thought it was best left at that. My mother I havent seen in 8 years, it was her decision to through me out during my holidays there. I have tried to make up with her many times, but she just insists, that the only way to make up would be me coming to her and me apologising to her. And I really don't know what I should apologise for. For the mistakes I made in my youth, I have apologised 100 times over. I can't apologise for not being married to a doctor or lawyer, neither for not being a secretary to some big firm boss, ok, the way I look is my choice ... but that is it: MY CHOICE. I am nearly 50 years of age, I believe I live a life in which I don't harm anybody intentionally, I can look after myself and have never relied on hand-outs. So what is so wrong with that?
So, it looks as if I will spend the next 3 weeks in the dark hole ... and then emerge stronger as I will have resisted the card writing urge.
2 comments:
this is just me...
but where family are concerned and they haven't physically hurt me, i try to always remain civil. i think it's why i'm always surprised when people don't treat me the same way!
i think the same applies to you as you are such a good person at heart. love you like a sister fishie sweetie!
xxx
I had the same problem with my brother and my mother who is now deceased. He is always angry at me for no reason. Its well known now he is bipolar. Now on tx I understand him more due to the mood swings these meds give me. So don't worry. Nothing wrong with you and may just be mental illness with your family. I think they love us but don't know how to love. I think its sweet that you always try. When I get well I'll try again with my brother.Right now I can't handle drama. Right now only peace and harmony please.
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