Standards ....

I have got standards I can't fulfill in every aspect of my life. That's why I feel guilty every five minutes! I've got a list as long as my arm of things I ought to do, and it's growing by the day, but because it is so long, I dont even attempt doing anything that is on it ... if that makes sense? So, I am a constant disappointment to myself and people around me :( Which doesnt exactly make life fun or even like myself.

Now then, how do I tune down my expectations of myself and start accepting myself within the perimeters I can actually fulfill and that are actually me, and not some standards I have been equipped with by my producers (mainly the female one)? This is something I seriously have to work at. For fucks sake, I will be 50 in less than a month and I haven't even sorted out basic living/happiness requirements for myself, which 16 years olds these days have often got sorted. I blame the drugs myself, and this time the 'bad' drugs, not the 'good' drugs (Interferon and Ribavirin LOL).

Double double figures ...

... well or something like that. Shot 20 anyway. Nothing new. Headaches, sharp shoulder pains, temperature, hot and cold and very very tired. There I was, having a relatively good week until yesterday ... and now ... gaaaaaaaazomp! But a lot of side effects I had in the beginning have also returned. Terrible sores around nails and on fingertips, 2 frayed corners of the mouth, sore and bleeding nose, very dry eyes, lizard skin (very pronounced) and I have 3 ... yes THREE ... bald patches on my head. I had noticed the last 4-6 weeks that the hair was coming out, but didnt realise it was that much. Anyway, that is the least of my worries, after all, it doesnt hurt, just looks unpleasant. Maybe I should apply for a wig?? *hrr hrr* I could have a pink or purple one, with loads of hair, so when I finally feel up for partying again, I can proudly strut my stuff. I wonder if the NHS would pay for it??

I think slowly it is sinking in that I have only got 4 shots left and 5 weeks until the Ribavirin are finished too. I can tell it's sinking in, because I am starting to panic of what I am going to do after. Already scanning job adverts, although I haven't got a clue when I will be able to work again. I would really like to do the pet taxi business, but how on Earth could I start that. I would need money for a reasonably decent car, since mine became the possession of the travelling scrappy last week. Then I would need to do some advertising, although I reckon just putting some posters in the Bristol vets would probably guarantee some business to start with. And then what? Sounds pretty easy eh ... but scares the shit out of me, particularly because I have no support and find it difficult to do it all on my own. 'Although' she says with a glimmer of hope, 'it would just be possible'.

Mostly over it ...

Oh yes it's true! I am mostly over the bronchitis. And I am not even having a bad time with the sides anymore. But ... because I was slacking so much, I am really busy trying to catch up with dreaded housework, the garden, the lawn and going out with Isis and/or shopping. Somehow at the moment there isn't a spare minute in my day *rolls eyes*. Ok ok, I admit it, the game takes up far too much time, but it really is the only hobby I have at the moment and it takes my mind of things. I cant even knit or crochet right now, as my fingertips are covered in open sores. Still over 2 months until the dermatologist appointment. And as usual, no cream is helping in the slightest.

Everybody else has been ill too, Pete had a bad cold (which is probably where I caught the bronchitis from in the first place) and Jessi and family have been suffering since the middle of last week. It is a strange summer, well, can't really call it a summer, with temperatures continously below 20 C and the amount of rain we've been having. Today is really the first day where it is reasonably warm, but I looked at the BBC weather site and it is supposed to rain by Friday already again. I want to live in a warmer climate!! Got my housing benefit paid finally and seriously thought about booking a one way ticket to Mexico. Thought, once over there, I could just loose all my papers and pretend I suffer from amnesia LOL. They would have to put me up somewhere, or wouldnt they? Interesting idea, must develop it further ;-)

Well, here I go again, off to the post office and later on cooking. No rest for the wicked.

Overdone it?

I was feeling pretty good the last few days, so I was doing a lot more than usual. Tearing back and fro to the vets on Saturday and Monday, which involved a lot of walking and, of course, mental strain. I went shopping on Sunday, dragging back a very heavy trolley and as I was still feeling good yesterday, I gave the kitchen a good clean. Payday today then! I woke up at 5 am with a little bit of a pain in my right side. I though I probably slept funny and strained it. Woke up again at 7am, with massive pains in my right side! I first thought it was lungs as it hurt every time I breathed in and out. So I was feeling guilty again for smoking! Then I went out with Isis for a stroll at 10am and I thought I was going to collapse. The pain by then was spreading from my right hip bone all the way to my right shoulder, with the epicentre between the rib cage and the hip. I realised then, that it is liver pain, as it was similar to post-biopsy feeling, just a lot worse. When back home, I went straight back to bed to rest, although I could hardly lay nor sit, let alone stand or walk. I have slipped in and out of slumber for the past 4 hours, and the pain is slightly better. Conclusion: it is there because I didn't take care of myself enough for a few days O.O

Still dont know what Isis' problem is. The vet we saw yesterday was suspecting a simple throat infection, as she is otherwise quite happy and bouncy. So we came away with some anti-inflammatories on top of the other medication. We will have to see how things pan out by Friday, if her breathing doesnt improve by then, she will have to go to the vets and have an anaesthetic, so they can look down her throat and do some chest x-rays. Cost of that: £300. So it really is not an option, unless I go to the PDSA. At the moment I am just keeping everything crossed, that it clears up!

Well, I better slip back between the sheets, I am having cold sweat pouring from my forehead, getting very dizzy and can hardly sit up. Hope this clears up too by tomorrow, otherwise it will be a trip to the GP for me ^^

Shot 18 ... and other challenges

NOT!!! Worms are horrid horrid horrid .... particularly lung worms in dogs, which supposedly Isis has got. Had to take her to the vet yesterday morning as since Thursday, her breathing has been steadily gone downhill. Especially when trying to get up the stairs. I was feeling so guilty about smoking in the house and overfeeding her, so I have taken to smoking in the garden again and also cutting down on her biccies. Might be too little too late :( Anyway, she is now on some antibiotics and some worming tablets, for all types of worms including lung worms. And we are going to see the vet tomorro afternoon again. She rang today to check on Isis, which I thought was good of her, and strongly suggested to have some chest xrays done. Why they dont want to wait if the medication is working first, I dont know ... or I do know ... it's more money to take off me, isn't it? Yesterday cost £70 and I am sure tomorrow is going to be another £30 and dog knows how much an xray will be ^^ I should have become a vet as I planned when I was 8 years old.

Shot 18 hasnt done much as yet. Still feeling the same as usual. Had a couple of episodes of being chilled to the bone and cold sweating, but apart from that, not doing too bad at the moment. See how the second peak tomorrow will go. If it was like this all the time, it would not be so hard to bear.

Anyyyyyyyyway, going shopping now ....

Selfish ....

Grrrrrr I am so angry with the ex again. On Saturday he snuck out and went shopping without asking if I (or the animals) needed anything and just bought what he needed. When he got back, he told me that I had to get tea for him (I dont drink it) when I went up to the shop later. In my brainfog, I forgot it, and he had a go at me. I flared up and said that he was the one, who didnt get it in the first place, so he has no right to have a go at me. I also told him, that we would have needed certain things and he could have asked. Guess what ... today he snuck out again without asking if I wanted anything. I give up! Selfish people just cant be made to think of others! Just waiting until he asks again if we can revive the relationship. I will throw his selfish behaviour and more back in his face. Hah!!!

Blessed be ...

... the painkillers. Without them I would not even be able to get out of bed these days. Routine:
- wake up around 5am as joint and muscle pains get too severe to sleep, grab water bottle and painkillers, take 2, wait until they kick in, go back to sleep.
- wake up again at 8.30-9.00am, painkillers still working, so usually I can get out of bed, make breakfast and coffee and have it at the computer. 10am, back to bed before the tablets wear off completely.
- wake up again around midday or when it is too painful to sleep. Grab 2 more painkillers and wait for affect to take place. Then get up and go for a walk with the dog. Takes about twice to thrice the time these days, the little walk. Come back and do a bit of housework, with extended resting periods in between. I am only doing it to not feel completely useless! Back to bed around 3pm.
- with a bit of luck that sleep lasts until 5 or 5.30pm. Take 2 more tablets. Have a coffee so they kick in faster. Manage the evening ahead that way, cooking, dishes, etc. Try to go to bed by about 11pm without any more medication. Only if it is really bad late at evening, I will take another 1 - 2.

Therefore ... Co-codamol ... Blessed be!

Another Week ... Another Shot

Shot 17 done. 7 left. Not bad! So far so good this week as well. Even the night was bearable. I think it was because I was so worn out from going to and fro for cats and hospital, that eventually last night I just collapsed because my body was screaming for sleep. But that it fine. If only I could wear myself out like that always. But now that I am back home, I am going to fall back into my comfortable trott. I have worked out, it is 56 days of Ribavirin left. I started with 168. So, not bad either. Hopefully some time today I will get my blood results, although I am not really worried. The way I feel hasn't changed for weeks, apart from the cough, but I expected that. Smoking definitely does NOT help it! And I have decided, that once this ordeal is over, I will attack the 'quit smoking issue'. Been smoking for 38 years, only ever tried stopping once ... I think it's time! After having done treatment to get a healthy liver again, I think I should treat my lungs with some attention. Maybe I can prolong my life for a few weeks that way ;-)

Had a very nice evening with Lynne on Tuesday. She cooked some wonderful carrot & coriander soup, which we had with bread and lashings of butter *grin* and she did almond trout and new potato salad. I didn't have the heart to refuse the trout, as she had put so much work in, so I ate it ... and enjoyed it! We rabbited on until just after 10pm and I was exhausted, but happy. I hadnt seen her since I started treatment! Probably wont see her for another few months now. Although she is dead set on coming on holiday with me in autumn, but hey, she did say that a few times before. So wait and see!

Finally managed to acquire my bank statements yesterday, so the will go off to the housing benefit today. Hopefully that should get sorted soon then too. I do feel a bit guilty owing Pete 3 months' rent, but I know it doesnt make him skint, so I suppose it is better than owing it to the landlady, as I would have been kicked out by now. And Pete DOES know he will get the full HB cheque once it arrives. Hopefully soon!