... I can't let go ....

As I cant think of anything else than my torn apart family at the moment, I thought I might as well post the whole story - what happened from my point of view (which strangely doesn't coincide with their point of view):

the first argument i had with the kids was after 3 days. jessi had send me out to get some food. she said that they would like one of those ready made fish meals each. as i dont like them at all, i got myself something different, veggie noodles in a pack, so they could all be shoved in the oven together. i was supposed to take care of the food that night. come 5.30pm i suddenly sensed a very tense atmosphere as my daughter was running around turning the oven on and generally banging stuff in the kitchen. i went to ask what was wrong and she started screaming at me, that food was late as they HAVE to eat at 6pm. also that i was a thoughtless bitch by buying myself something different to eat and that i couldnt do that because of kylian, who would not eat his food if somebody else was not eating the same. she also then commented that i have been so difficult the past few days, why i dont know, that i dont spend anytime with my grandson (although i had read him stories, went for a walk with him and his dad, sat with him with some colouring in) and that i should just phone my friend werner to pick me up. i went downstairs into the cellar 'flat' (my room for the time being, no tv, no heating, no radio, no nothing) and seriously contemplated leaving. then i told myself, that i was always running away from arguments and that i mustn't in this case. i went back upstairs after half an hour and talked to jessi. she just carried on with accusations always turning to her husband for confirmation. so i just apologised and promised it wouldnt happen again. silly me!!! after another couple of days we had another fall out about the fact that i wanted to go for a walk with her grannies dog. i managed to calm that one down again with promising, that i wouldnt prefer the dog's company to theirs. double silly me!!! i didnt really have any company as both of them spent as many as 12 hours per day on the computer. yes, i was as petty as timing it! i really really kept my head down after that, just waiting for her to give birth, because i so wanted to be there. relations were more than strained though, particularly because she kept telling me that i stink coz of the smoking and accusing me of being an alcoholic, coz i had a glass of wine every couple of days. when labour was finally induced on 9th january, i was more than happy, hoping i would get my daughter back the way she used to be before the pregnancy. on 10th jan in the afternoon i took grannie and kylian to the hospital. it was lovely to see my granddaughter and hold her, i was so happy i cried. as the kids told me then that they were BOTH going to stay in hospital until monday evening, i suggested that i extend my holidays for a couple of days because i wanted to see werner at the end of it for 2/3 days. so, all i was saying was that i was going to stay at their place and look after kylian until they get back. my daughter agreed to that. i could sense though that she wasnt appreciating it, but i just put it down to tiredness from the 15 hrs labour. when grannie, kylian and i got back to their place (grannie lives upstairs) i got a phone call from my son-in-law saying that i COULD stay until monday, but that i would have to be out of their flat by the time they got back because they wanted to 'get back to normal'. he said he wanted me to fly back monday morning. i did ask him how he thought i would get to the trainstation at 4am and he answered that he couldnt care less. i was somewhat flabbergasted when i put the phone down, then thought about the conversation and got downright angry. how dare they throw me out after all the cooking, cleaning, ironing etc. i had done for them in the past 12 days. as planned, about an hour later werner came round (he lives about an hour drive away and thought he'd pop in for a bit of company that evening). i had by then vented my anger to grannie and when i saw werner i told him the whole story too. he suggested i come with him and he'd drive me to the airport on monday morning. well, u know my money situation, i really couldnt refuse. sven, my son-in-law, phoned again and said that he wasnt throwing me out, just that he wanted me not to be there on monday. i beg ur pardon, but that for me is throwing somebody out, or not? anyway, i left with werner and left kylian with his great-grannie. i was so angry and i thought, that sven really didnt need to stay in hospital with jessi for 3 days. was that so bad???

as u know, i missed my plane, but werner bought me a new ticket. it was good that i staid an extra couple of days with him as he has now 'employed' me as his personal PR person. i am doing flyers for him, a 6-month programme and all the bookings of bands he needs. AND he will even pay me for it!

since i got back home i had nothing but nasty emails from my son-in-law. i havent translated them (yet), but he is basically saying that i am an alcoholic low-life, who doesnt care about her family, whose animals are more important than her own daughter and grandchildren, that i outstayed my welcome by being there for 2 weeks (although it was jessi who begged me to come for such length of time), and that i am a cheapskate, because i didnt bring 'proper' xmas presents. i must admit, i did answer the first few emails, trying to defend myself, but he kept getting nastier and nastier. so i stopped writing. the last mail i had from him was just to say that i would never see my grandchildren and daughter again, that he would make sure of that, and that i would have to expect a letter from my daughter in which she will confirm all that and telling me herself what she thought about her low-life mother.

Eventually I didnt answer S.'s mails anymore. Very promptly I got some text messages from my daughter with a similar content to her hubby's communications. I then wrote the letter in the previous blog post. Since that I had an email from my daughter, which printed out, was 7 pages long. I haven't even completely read it yet, as the first couple of page made me cry with hurt and scream with anger. So I am going through it bit by bit and find rational, sensible words in which I can answer it. This is just such a mess and all-consuming at the moment, my spirituality is slowly going out the window and it's a struggle to be positive and strong. I feel I am losing all the traits I have fought so hard to gain over the past few months. Maybe I was just too sure all was going well and needed bringing down a peg or two??

Will try and have some shut-eye now. Dont manage more than 2 hours at a time, then I jolt up and all these grinding emotions are back :(

P.S. Tried to edit this post, so it doesnt come up as a link, but not joy! It's being stubborn ... sorry.