What am I doing wrong?

After writing to my daughter recently, that I loved her and the kids, that I am thinking of them and sending them loving thoughts every day, I had an email back last night. Up to now I didn't translate and post any, but this one I just have to. I really don't know what to do, should I answer it or not, if yes, what can I even write to all of this? At first impulse last night I just wrote back that I have to respect her decision, that I always will love her and that she is always welcome to get in touch if she needs, wants or feels like it.

Well, here it is ... I stand accused:


Hello,

I have been thinking over the past few days and some stuff became clear to me.

The fist thing that became clear to me is that I have been expecting too much from you. I did expect that you will be the mother, who I have been missing and searching for all those years, but it also became clear that you never will be that nor will be able to be that. For that we are lacking too many experiences, too many similarities, too many memories, simply everything that makes a mother-daughter relationship and keeps it together. I am sorry if I expected too much, but you know I have searched and wanted for all those years. As the contact between us grew closer I clutched at something as so often and hoped in vain. In reality this should have been clear to me much earlier, for example when I was angry, because you couldn’t keep or didn’t want to keep a promised telephone call, because you suddenly had a headache and/or … (invariably expandable). Most of the time I knew that those were just excuses which was the reason that I was angry with you. But I never imagined that I am smothering you with my search for motherly closeness.

Furthermore I wanted to tell you: You have accused me that I still make you suffer for your mistakes from years ago, that I keep bringing it up. Yes, you’re right there. Just like I bring it up over and over again with my father. Are you even aware what you have done to MY life? I didn’t have, like you, a bearable upbringing, at least for the first few years. I always grew up amongst arguments, intrigues and without love, because I never was wanted or tolerated anywhere. Right from the beginning I was pushed around.

Have you ever thought about why I constantly confront you with it and why I can’t get closure for it despite all the therapies? Exactly, because it is MY DAMNED LIFE, which YOU have made!!! Not me, YOU!!! The only thing I have done, learned and tried through my therapies is to rid myself of the inner cold, which I have been taught through you, and to come to terms with my hate for myself and my rage for my damned life. You know I can’t even remember one happy day from my childhood, not a nice holiday or anything. I was always the one everybody pointed at and talked about. Even my own family. I have always been treated like a leper, in kindergarten, or school or anywhere. I can’t remember how often I heard that kids are not allowed to play with me. Why I don’t need to tell you, do I? Do you think that was great? … and then you expect me to NOT reproach you with it? How do you envisage that?

You still blame you mother for her mistakes, because you can’t forget it. Don’t say no, because that would be a lie.

You know, maybe one can forgive and search for a way forward to get along with eachother, but no way can something as monumental as this, something that has consumed one since one was little be forgotten. And if then things go wrong it is natural that it opens old wounds; that you know yourself very well. So, please don’t expect that I will pretend that I have forgotten what you have done, even though it is a long time ago but time hasn’t relativized it or put it any more into perspective. No way!

You know I often think that if I didn’t have my husband and my 2 wonderful kids, then I would still be there, where I was then – namely that I would wish every day that I wasn’t born. This was really my wish for 23 years.

So, I think to chew over everything from previous emails won’t bring any more results. That’s why I finish here. I don’t expect and answer, but if you send one then please no justification. This was my side of the coin so you can see how it looks like and maybe you start to understand me. But it will be like always I expect … you will wallow in the role of a victim. Do that, you do that so well. Because they are our problems and have got nothing to do with you!

One thing before I go: at the moment I can’t and I won’t keep any contact with you. There are more important things in my life than being hurt again and again. I want to be there for my daughter and of course the rest of my little family, because they need me most. If you still want it, I will be in touch at some point in time.

I have tried to stick as close to the words she actually used as possible. That's why it may sound odd in places. But I am sure you all get the gist of it. So, I ask you, what now????