I thought I'd never say this, but I am slowly getting the feeling that the dreaded virus might be back :( I am just getting too exhausted too fast, I need the daytime naps again, I am listless, my skin around the fingers is going berserk and my liver hurts at the slightest bit of emotional stress. I will have my 6 month post-tx PCR on 26th February and after that there is the usual 3-4 weeks wait for results. So I am not going to know anytime soon. On the other hand it could really just be depression, the classical signs are there, and maybe I get hit later than others after stopping antidepressants. It's been 7 weeks. But whatever it is, it is not a nice place to be in. As my enthusiasm for life goes down, my commitment for Werner's PR stuff and the crochet is going down with it. I rather go back to bed than do anything! Every day I try and convince myself that I should be doing this and that, even write lists of "things to do today", but the longer the list is the more likely it is that I do nothing whatsoever. I have become full of self-doubt again, all the old questions of "Am I good enough?" "Am I worthy?" "I am just a dumbass nothing ..." etc. are constantly floating through my mind. I try and stay positive, do the daily spiritual affirmations, but somehow it all gets lost in the course of the 24 hrs. I don't feel depressed as such, after all, this is familiar territory, I have always been like this (or as long as I can remember). I am not thinking of suicide, just wishing things could be easier. It was so great after tx when I suddenly got energy and enjoyed the things I was doing. Where has it all gone????
Thursday 12 February 2009
Is it back?
I thought I'd never say this, but I am slowly getting the feeling that the dreaded virus might be back :( I am just getting too exhausted too fast, I need the daytime naps again, I am listless, my skin around the fingers is going berserk and my liver hurts at the slightest bit of emotional stress. I will have my 6 month post-tx PCR on 26th February and after that there is the usual 3-4 weeks wait for results. So I am not going to know anytime soon. On the other hand it could really just be depression, the classical signs are there, and maybe I get hit later than others after stopping antidepressants. It's been 7 weeks. But whatever it is, it is not a nice place to be in. As my enthusiasm for life goes down, my commitment for Werner's PR stuff and the crochet is going down with it. I rather go back to bed than do anything! Every day I try and convince myself that I should be doing this and that, even write lists of "things to do today", but the longer the list is the more likely it is that I do nothing whatsoever. I have become full of self-doubt again, all the old questions of "Am I good enough?" "Am I worthy?" "I am just a dumbass nothing ..." etc. are constantly floating through my mind. I try and stay positive, do the daily spiritual affirmations, but somehow it all gets lost in the course of the 24 hrs. I don't feel depressed as such, after all, this is familiar territory, I have always been like this (or as long as I can remember). I am not thinking of suicide, just wishing things could be easier. It was so great after tx when I suddenly got energy and enjoyed the things I was doing. Where has it all gone????
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1 comment:
You are still fragile. Just like some people post have thyroid off balance. Others need anti-ds. It can show up this far post. It is very possible that you have rebound depression.
xx
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