The universe is providing for me ....

I have started to re-programme myself to the law of attraction and The Secret (http://thesecret.tv/). I have known The Secret for a long time, but failed to acknowledge its power and truth. But since starting the process, I am reaping the first benefits.

The Housing Benefit Office, which didnt answer 3 emails and 2 letters has written to me explaining how I can get more HB and also that I would be eligible to access their fund for extra payments as I am in rent arrears. In first instance I thought: "The buggers, why didnt they tell me earlier?", but in my re-programmed status I then came to think that I am grateful that they have finally written and enabled me to do something about this financial issue. How long did it take for that to happen? Well, the last few weeks I was just angry that they didnt answer, in due course I did get no answer! Simple law of attraction. Yesterday afternoon I started to think that they WILL answer and WILL give me a positive reply, and today I got their email with a copy of a letter that went into the post today together with some forms to fill in. So it took about 24 hours for the initial thought to be processed by the universe! Isnt that just great? Now I know that my other wishes and aspirations will come true too. I feel wonderful!!!

The second great thing that happened today was my doctor's visit this afternoon. Firstly she managed to do my smear ... yeeehawwww ... as that is difficult with the vaginal septum. I am a bit sore now, but at least I am done for 5 years providing I get the all clear for it. Then I got her to prescribe more skin care stuff, as my skin is still as sore and open as during treatment. And she was not skimping on the prescription :) Then I managed to talk to her about counselling, which she agrees would do me good. Yeeehawww again, coz the other doctors always just looked at me funny. Unfortunately the GPs cant direct transfer anymore, but she has given me a long list of places who do free counselling. So tomorrow morning I will grab the phone and start contacting them. I know now that I will find something suitable and quickly too.

And I finally know what I want to do workwise too. I am not going back to employment, I will go self-employed. And although financial success might be a long haul, it is what I want to do and I know I can do it well. I will teach handicrafts in community groups. I have given myself 3 months for the preparations and research I need to do. Starting classes on 1st March 2009 is the aim. Although I realise that it might be just one to start with, I know this will grow over time. The idea is that people who attend will pay £5 (£3.50 concessions) for the class. For that they will get tutoring, a free pattern per session and online/telephone advice if needed. I will limit the classes to 10 members at first. Sessions are 90 minutes. This price is based on the area where I live, which is not very affluent. Once I am able to start in areas like Clifton, Redland or even out in Thornbury or Weston-super-Mare, then I will apply a different rate of pay. Probably £7.50 and £5.00 concessions. We'll see! On top of that, every project I actually finish will go towards a stall on the Xmas arts and craft fayres next year. Am I brilliant or am I brilliant LOL. No problem with the tax office as I am already registered with them. Have to look into insurance though and a business account. But time enough for that in January. Until then I do the free online advertising in the area and see who and where expresses interest. That is the first stage of research. I am so happy and feel so positive about this. And this time ... I wont give in at the first hurdle LOL.

In this frame of mind I am now looking forward to going to Germany on 29th December and spending 2 weeks with my daughter and family, as well as some friends. So you see, there is life after HepC treatment. If nothing else, I am going to prove that one.

Love you all ....

Unhinged ...

... is what I feel like today. Went to the gig last night, and although both Swallow The Sun and Apocalyptica gave their best, the acoustic in the Carling Academy Bristol made it sound crap. Also when I saw Apocalyptica the last time, supporting Rammstein in Brixton Academy a couple of years back, they had a sort of serenity and solemness about them, which I liked. It somehow had more spirit. It was beautiful to look at then and maybe I went there yesterday with expectations which couldnt be fulfilled. At some point, when one of the guys took his top of, it was like being at some cheap stip joint as all the little girlies started shrieking and shouting. I expect that behaviour from men, but not from women. On the other hand, this has just reminded me of a gig I played with Statik in the Arnolfini. I was going out with Lucy from Glastonbury then, and she brought all her Lesbian friends along. About in the middle of the gig during a rather quiet song, about 15 women started shouting my name and 'get your tits out for the girls'. That was rather embarrassing and unfitting for the type of music (Industrial). I was told afterwards in no uncertain terms, not to bring that bunch of nutters along again LOL.

But coming to the feeling of 'unhinged'. It was the second time that I mixed with so many people again since way before treatment. The first time was when Kittie and I went out in Soho last month. I didnt do badly on either occasion, but it does leave me feeling empty and drained the next day. Somehow I loose all the confidence and self-love have have been building up recently and have to start again. I did concede to have 2 pints of watered down lager, which might have something to do with it although I didnt feel in the slightest drunk. Maybe it's just the hordes of people and being in close proximity with some unpleasant characters ;) Well, nothing a bit of spiritual cleansing and energy work can't put right. So today I am having a simple and relaxing time, maybe a nice fragrant bath in a bit. Must come down to Earth again ...

Oh and Kittie, if you read this: The leather coat had a nice outing last night ;)

Lazy ...

Yes, I have been lazy with my blog. There are just not enough hours in the day. But I have the impression nobody is reading it anymore, probably it is not interesting to people because I have finished treatment and there are no real trials and tribulations in my life anymore. Never mind, I am still using this as a diary of sorts. However, there really hasn't been that much to report. Life is generally quite happy and full to the brim. I am doing all those things I meant to do during treatment, but never got round to it. At the moment I am making Yule cookies, have put up the tree (although I couldnt find last years deco's) and I am knitting/crocheting at an amazing speed. Soon I will have all the pressies I need ready *hope*

T came and went and it was an interesting night. Lots of healing and spiritual shifts, I think in her as well as me and particularly the dog. She is totally different. After T went last Wednesday, it took me 2 walks to make her walk to heel, even across the road, whereas before she would have just dragged me over the asphalt as fast as caninely possible. Which always ended up with me being in a bad mood! Now she walks nicely and doesnt pick up as much rubbish anymore either. This results in me being in a much better frame of mind and us both enjoying the time together even more. She is also on a more strict diet now and I think it has started to show. It has finally clicked, that even a little too much weight on her, at her age is actually making her age fast by wearing out the joints and muscles. So I really have to be cruel (so she thinks) to be kind (what I feel).

I have also started to take some more supplements as T gave me an ear bashing about not looking after myself well enough. So to the Vitamin B complex I was taking I have now added Omega 3-6-9, Glucosamine and vegetarian cod liver oil (cant remember what its called and too LAZY to walk downstairs in the kitchen). So far I havent felt the difference, but time will tell. It has only been 4 days of taking it. I am coming off the antidepressants nicely, down to 5mg every couple of days now. Next week I will cut down by another day per week. I reckon by January I will have beaten them. It was rather strange in the beginning, because I got real surges of energy running through my body to the point of shaking, but slowly that is calming down. Once I have fully tackled the anti/ds, I will start cutting down on painkillers. With my addictive personality I am holding on to things like that far too long and am not able to live a sober life. Ok, admittedly is has gone better over the years, but I am still shrouding the real me with all this chemical stuff. A sort of security blanket. I have given myself until August 2009 to be off everything ... well maybe not the smoking, but all the tablets, plasters, capsules, suppositories etc. and just deal with my ailments the natural way. After all, humans used to have to live with it before painkillers and such were invented, so surely I can do the same.

I so wanted to go down to London around the middle of this month to see my friends again and particularly Kittie and her lovely fiancée, and to meet her daughter, who is visiting. But it isnt to be due to money matters. The housing benefit office still has not been in touch, as far as they are concerned I had to move out on the 30th November. I have written various emails and 2 recorded delivery letters, but nothing. I am so sick and tired of chasing them. Phoning is impossible, all I get is the engaged tone *grumble* So, another letter is due, but I postpone it from day to day because I just know that the effort will be futile again. :-( But as long as they dont pay up, I will only have the £25 per week to live on ... which is not enough to live, but too much to die .... Have also been trying to reach the emergency loan people at the DWP, but would you believe it, they are constantly engaged too. And if not, nobody picks up the phone. I have written to the team leader there, but all I got back was, that they are experiencing a high level of calls and apologise for the inconvenience *rolling eyes*. What the fcuk would I do if Pete wasnt living here?? Sometimes I am grateful to him ....

Please check this out ....

http://craftywhiskerscrochet.blogspot.com/


... it contains most of my latest projects, in case you need a present for somebody :-)

Love & Peace

All's well again ....

After I phone the PDSA on Monday and following their advice on the chicken/fish & rice diet for the cat, he miraculously recovered after a couple of days. I am still feeing him cautiously though and not as much as before. He seems happy again ... and so am I.

I have had an amazing experience again yesterday afternoon. I was due for dogwalking and thought about going my usual late afternoon round. However, something in me kept saying to me: 'Go to the little second hand shop on Broadwalk!' And although I didnt have money, I started walking into that direction with the dog. Normally she is quite scatty when we walk along the main roads, but yesterday she seemed to really enjoy it. Before you get to the charity shop, there is a nice little park. So I decided to go there after the shop. I didnt really find anything there, but I had a good look around. I thought something might jump out at me due to the strong feeling I had to go there. But no, nothing! So Isis and I went to the park and ambled around it. Then we took the road towards home. Suddenly as we turned a corner I saw the most beautiful sunset. I have not seen anything like this in England before. The most amazing vivid blues, reds, purples and orange. I wish I had had a camera to show you it. But as usual my mobile was having time out at home :) Anyway, I suddenly realised the purpose of me going to that shop. I was blessed by the sunset, because had I gone my normal route, I would have been long indoors by that time and would have missed it.

Namaste'

Ill cat and other things ....

Well, Franky (that's what I call him although he is also known as Toe Rag or Mister or Pusskin) has had problems with his bottom for quite a while. Quite often he lost small amounts of poo all over the house. But only for the last week it has been bloody poo and today there is simply just blood running out of his behind. Being on benefits, I can't just go to the normal vet as the initial consultation costs £29 plus the medicines and procedures. Strictly speaking he is not my cat either, but the neighbours, he just spends at least 80% of his time here. I guess it's more quiet and relaxed, in his normal home there are 5 other cats and maybe the food is better over here too. AND he gets a cuddle here, which might account for something. I am not on speaking terms with the neighbour, so a bit stuck with what to do with Franky. Anyway, I phoned the RSPCA this morning and asked if I could bring him down. I explained the situation and they said they would treat him as a stray animal, which would mean they keep him and give the 'real' owner a chance to get in touch and reclaim him ... obviously for a fee. If she doesn't, then he would be put up for adoption as soon as he is healthy enough. I enquired if I could claim him in that case, but was told that they do not re-home a cat into the area where it came from. I seriously thought about this option, but this household has grown attached to Franky and he does have a good home here. I then phoned the PDSA and knowing what I know now, I told them that it was my cat and that I was on benefits.I registered him there and was told to feed him either cooked chicken and rice or tuna and rice for a couple of days. If his condition doesn't improve during that time, to phone and bring him in. So I have decided to opt for that for the moment. He seems relatively comfortable now, sleeping on the sofa. I shall keep a close eye on him and not let him out. Fingers crossed he will get better soon.

On the other hand, it looks as if I might not be able to go over to Germany for my daughter giving birth after all. Originally she offered to pay for my flight (about £100) but says now, that she hasn't got the money as she spent all the repayment she had from the benefits office. As her husband is still doing an apprenticeship, they really don't have much anyway. I certainly am not able to find this sort of dosh, trying to live on £25 a week is hard enough, saving from that is impossible. I am still hassling the housing benefit office to up their payments to my full rent amount, but they just dont contact me back. If I haven't heard by Wednesday this week, I will pay their office a visit. Although it isn't a public office, I will make sure they listen to me. My daughter, as usual, doesn't understand that I don't have the money. Strange, as she in particular should know the situation!

I miss my friends from London terribly. I could so do with a personal chat! Or just a shoulder to cry on. But I hate telephones, so I wont do it over the blower. And I can't even run away with having the animals to look after LOL. Seems I am a lot more sad now that I have managed to cut down on the anti-depressants. Or maybe I am just able to feel again? The strange thing is, I feel happy as soon as I am out and walking, being close to nature, the sadness only hits me indoors. If it wasn't too cold, I would sleep out in the garden in the tent for a few days. ;-)

Just had to ....

Just had to post this little fellow, which I finished today. He is so cute and adorable and very fittingly named Pengu LOL. Current project is a turquoise octopus. These Arigurumi toys are just such fun to make and finished in a tick. So, two Yule presents are done already. Making good progress :)

Tomorrow morning I am supposed to hand myself into Bristol Magistrate's Court for non-payment of fine. I will however phone them first thing and explain, that I am still not well enough to attend court. They did threaten with arrest, but hopefully somebody has a merciful soul. Don't know how to pay the £211 that are outstanding anyway. Maybe it would be quite a money saver being in prison, providing I can take all my wool with me, I wouldnt get bored!!

Going out to lunch with a forum member tomorrow. I have not seen her since my birthday and she is on treatment now. It will be great to catch up, sompare notes maybe and have a nice chin wag. So as I am going to have to face the public, I will now go and catch some needed beauty sleep.

Beautiful ....

I know now that the dream was about spiritual guidance. I am being led to my own spirituality and happiness. I have started to see my life as beautiful, not as I used to a string of unfortunate events. Now I realise that anything that happens to me occurs for me to learn from it. What I might perceive as something negative the moment it happens, is there to teach me something, which will become something positive in due course. So, you see, my life is therefore filled with positivity. I can do anything and I am in control of my life, my happiness, my sadness, my fate and my destiny. I feel humble today and very grateful. I am in awe of the sudden revelations and I am not even questioning why they are happening now.

I was looking for a yoga class near me this week. Unfortunately I cant find anything on the old Google, the only thing that kept popping up was the Bristo Bhuddist Centre which has meditation drop ins. So I reckon, I should go to that instead at the moment and other things will come from it I am certain. I have such a good vibe from this. They run an early Tuesday morning drop in 7.15am - 8am and a Friday evening drop in 7pm - 9pm. Not sure as yet, which time does agree best with me, maybe I will have to try both and then decide.

I was also looking for a stitch n bitch in my area. Again ... nothing. So, maybe this is telling me to start one? I wonder if there is interest at all in Knowle. I mean it is full of women of all ages, which should mean a few people who are still into knitting or crochet. I know my local NHS walk in centre has rooms for free hire, so that is a possibility as I couldnt hold it at home. Pete would tear the rest of his hair out LOL. Maybe I will print a few leaflets to stick around the local shops with my name, mobile number and email address on it. See who registers interest.

I have finished my first Arigurumi toy this morning and it is soooo cute. Sista Kitty, you got competition :D Unfortunately I can't show a picture of it here as it is meant as a Yule present and the person it is intended for might just read my blog. One never knows ....

Well, I am off to the park with Isis now although it has started to rain quite heavily. Never mind, it will save on dog shampoo and bubble bath hahaha.

I wish everybody a very happy day, whatever you are doing. Love, peace and understanding ....

I had a dream ...

I was travelling around somewhere with my friends Kittie and Humble. All the scenery was spectacular and I was feeling really happy about being there. Kittie seemed to know the area, so we let her take the lead and show us where to go. There were whiter than white houses, although it was dark, little bridges to cross and ladders to climb, both frightened me a bit, but I felt safe with my friends. Suddenly we turned a corner and we saw the most beautiful Aurea Borealis in the sky ... all purple and sparkly, lighting up the constellations in the clear sky too. At that point I fell to my knees and started crying with joy.

What was that all about I wonder?

Then I got up at 5.30am, woken by dog paws and licks, went downstairs and let Isis out the back. And I found a very clear sky with Cassiopeia almost directly above us sparkling away. Gosh I love the night sky! I greeted the morning and told it how beautiful it was. All day I was very happy, relaxed and super-aware. Thank you wonderful day :-)

Hate Bangers ... Love Mash ....

... and I don't mean sausages, or in my case veggie sausages. No, it's bonfire night and the named bangers have been going off for weeks. 'Twas bearable up to a couple of days ago as it didnt start until after dark, but all day yesterday and today they started early in the morning. And the fireworks too! I mean: What is the point of letting fireworks off in the middle of the day? You can hardly see them, so I can only presume it is to annoy people like me and dogs like Isis and the local cat and rat and bat population ^^ I can only hope the run out of shooting material by about ... errrrm ... 7 o'clock tonight.

Gosh, it is only 20 to 3pm and I need the light on to type. I hate winter ... not the actual weather, coz I dont mind rain and snow, but the dark. Seems my goth years are well and truly over :)

Bought more wool today and downloaded 133 pages of Arigurumi patterns. 5 balls of wool will go to London though, I hope I can bring a little bit of brightness to somebody's life. Hehe, I am sure they know who they are ... nudge nudge wink wink say no more! I will finish my current project of a multicoloured boys hoodie and then start crocheting the little fellows. I need Yule presents and Yule tree decorations as I have no money for such this year. But no worries, that's sorted now.

I have had a lot of liver pain and fatigue again these last few days. Worried that might be recurring HepC, but trying to convince myself, that it is part of getting better. Got to sit tight until January and the PCR anyway, so mustn't make myself crazy (that should really be MORE crazy) with mulling it over.

Still suffering from weekend ...

The Dead Parrot Sketch

Monty Python



The Pet Shoppe

A customer enters a pet shop.

Customer: 'Ello, I wish to register a complaint.

(The owner does not respond.)

C: 'Ello, Miss?

Owner: What do you mean "miss"?

C: I'm sorry, I have a cold. I wish to make a complaint!

O: We're closin' for lunch.

C: Never mind that, my lad. I wish to complain about this parrot what I purchased not half an hour ago from this very boutique.

O: Oh yes, the, uh, the Norwegian Blue...What's,uh...What's wrong with it?

C: I'll tell you what's wrong with it, my lad. 'E's dead, that's what's wrong with it!

O: No, no, 'e's uh,...he's resting.

C: Look, matey, I know a dead parrot when I see one, and I'm looking at one right now.

O: No no he's not dead, he's, he's restin'! Remarkable bird, the Norwegian Blue, idn'it, ay? Beautiful plumage!

C: The plumage don't enter into it. It's stone dead.

O: Nononono, no, no! 'E's resting!

C: All right then, if he's restin', I'll wake him up!

(shouting at the cage)

'Ello, Mister Polly Parrot! I've got a lovely fresh cuttle fish for you if you show...(owner hits the cage)

O: There, he moved!

C: No, he didn't, that was you hitting the cage!

O: I never!!

C: Yes, you did!

O: I never, never did anything...

C: (yelling and hitting the cage repeatedly) 'ELLO POLLY!!!!!

Testing! Testing! Testing! Testing! This is your nine o'clock alarm call!

(Takes parrot out of the cage and thumps its head on the counter. Throws it up in the air and watches it plummet to the floor.)

C: Now that's what I call a dead parrot.

O: No, no.....No, 'e's stunned!

C: STUNNED?!?

O: Yeah! You stunned him, just as he was wakin' up! Norwegian Blues stun easily, major.

C: Um...now look...now look, mate, I've definitely 'ad enough of this. That parrot is definitely deceased, and when I purchased it not 'alf an hour ago, you assured me that its total lack of movement was due to it bein' tired and shagged out following a prolonged squawk.

O: Well, he's...he's, ah...probably pining for the fjords.

C: PININ' for the FJORDS?!?!?!? What kind of talk is that?, look, why did he fall flat on his back the moment I got 'im home?

O: The Norwegian Blue prefers kippin' on it's back! Remarkable bird, id'nit, squire? Lovely plumage!

C: Look, I took the liberty of examining that parrot when I got it home, and I discovered the only reason that it had been sitting on its perch in the first place was that it had been NAILED there.

(pause)

O: Well, o'course it was nailed there! If I hadn't nailed that bird down, it would have nuzzled up to those bars, bent 'em apart with its beak, and VOOM! Feeweeweewee!

C: "VOOM"?!? Mate, this bird wouldn't "voom" if you put four million volts through it! 'E's bleedin' demised!

O: No no! 'E's pining!

C: 'E's not pinin'! 'E's passed on! This parrot is no more! He has ceased to be! 'E's expired and gone to meet 'is maker!

'E's a stiff! Bereft of life, 'e rests in peace! If you hadn't nailed 'im to the perch 'e'd be pushing up the daisies!

'Is metabolic processes are now 'istory! 'E's off the twig!

'E's kicked the bucket, 'e's shuffled off 'is mortal coil, run down the curtain and joined the bleedin' choir invisibile!!

THIS IS AN EX-PARROT!!

(pause)

O: Well, I'd better replace it, then.

(he takes a quick peek behind the counter)

O: Sorry squire, I've had a look 'round the back of the shop, and uh, we're right out of parrots.

C: I see. I see, I get the picture.

O: I got a slug.

(pause)

C: (sweet as sugar) Pray, does it talk?

O: Nnnnot really.

C: WELL IT'S HARDLY A BLOODY REPLACEMENT, IS IT?!!???!!?

O: Look, if you go to my brother's pet shop in Bolton, he'll replace the parrot for you.

C: Bolton, eh? Very well.

The customer leaves.

The customer enters the same pet shop. The owner is putting on a false moustache.

C: This is Bolton, is it?

O: (with a fake mustache) No, it's Ipswitch.

C: (looking at the camera) That's inter-city rail for you.

The customer goes to the train station.

He addresses a man standing behind a desk marked "Complaints".

C: I wish to complain, British-Railways Person.

Attendant: I DON'T HAVE TO DO THIS JOB, YOU KNOW!!!

C: I beg your pardon...?

A: I'm a qualified brain surgeon! I only do this job because I like being my own boss!

C: Excuse me, this is irrelevant, isn't it?

A: Yeah, well it's not easy to pad these python files out to 200 lines, you know.

C: Well, I wish to complain. I got on the Bolton train and found myself deposited here in Ipswitch.

A: No, this is Bolton.

C: (to the camera) The pet shop man's brother was lying!!

A: Can't blame British Rail for that.

C: In that case, I shall return to the pet shop!

He does.

C: I understand this IS Bolton.

O: (still with the fake mustache) Yes?

C: You told me it was Ipswitch!

O: ...It was a pun.

C: (pause) A PUN?!?

O: No, no...not a pun...What's that thing that spells the same backwards as forwards?

C: (Long pause) A palindrome...?

O: Yeah, that's it!

C: It's not a palindrome! The palindrome of "Bolton" would be "Notlob"!! It don't work!!

O: Well, what do you want?

C: I'm not prepared to pursue my line of inquiry any longer as I think this is getting too silly!

Sergeant-Major: Quite agree, quite agree, too silly, far too silly...


I just had to post the old parrot sketch ... couldn't shift it from my brain since watching people having to kiss the parrot last Friday. Still giggling about it, and glad nobody got hurt.

Otherwise, still suffering a bit, tired and lazy, sniffly and coughey ... think I might have caught summat in the overheated coach returning home. The heat was bad, but worse was the chap going to the loo in the bus to relieve himself of his stomach contents (5 times in 2 1/2 hrs ... he must have eaten a lot) and then leaving the toilet door flapping, so I got wafts of not so yummy odours. Why did I sit in the back of the coach?? Thought nobody would sit next to me. But just my luck, about 10 people had their double seats to themselves - not me. I got company!! Luckily the young lady spoke hardly any English, so no conversational exchange required. However, she snored rather loudly and liked my shoulder as a pillow. Motherly instincts prevented me from waking her up!

And now I miiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiss my friends in London *sob*

Little fish in a big pond ....

... although it felt more like a big fish in a little pond. Everything in London was so familiar and that is including the people I hadn't met before, or had met, but can't really remember (winks @ Kitty).

Wednesday night and Thursday daytime I spent with T in Tooting. We went parrot and deer watching in Richmond Park with her beautiful Saarloo dog, chatted loads over the 24 hours and did some energy work. By the end of my visit there, I was almost floating ... and floated over to the central London area to meet up with Kitty. After a few hours of talking, laughing and realising that we are 2 peas in a pod, we went to an 80s night. Shame we couldnt really take advantage of the free-flowing vodka, but with a sensible head I must say that that was probably better LOL. I think we both would have had a wild night as we were quite elated hehe. Then we stopped off in the Crowbar on the way back. That was quite good fun too ... watching young, dumb blondies is always good entertainment. Around midnight we headed back to the flat, with nibbles and in my case still wide awake. More nattering ... until about 2am, by which time we both crashed. My gorgeous friend had to drag herself to work in the morning, I slept in until 10.30. I haven't done that since treatment!!!

The next day I was supposed to go to East London. Unfortunately I nodded off on the very comfy sofa and woke up again around 1.30pm - feeling rather tired and ill. So I arranged meeting my friend C, who I had met at the infamous wedding in May, in the evening and at Kitty's flat. C arrived at 5.30pm and we had a little catch-up before Kitty returned from work at 6.30pm. Gosh, did she look tired!!! But still we managed to go out to the Pirate's Party at The Ship, all dressed up and joined by K's wonderful fiancee and C's mental German friend F. To cut a long story short, a good time was had by most of us and we returned to the flat via the chip shop. Finally got round to eating something ;-) I think there might even be some photos from that night, but not sure if they are suitable for public display.

I had to leave yesterday at 1pm and Kitty came to Victoria with me, even sponsored a cab. Thank you!!! Saying bye-bye wasnt too bad, we both know we're going to see each other again real soon. Still I had tears in my eyes when the coach pulled out of the station. I so didnt want to leave!!! But let's think forward and start planning the next get-together. I promised I will have a look at the bands playing Bristol in the next couple of months! That is the only positive thing about winter here ... lots of gigs.

Yesterday evening and today all day I felt absolutely knackered. I am wondering if this is still after-effects from the treatment or simply just OLD AGE? Went to bed at about 10.30pm last night, got up at 6am this morning, but was back in the fart pit by 10am *rolls eyes* And I think it is going to be an early night again today. Hopefully will have recovered tomorrow though.

Thanks my friends for having me, making me so welcome and feeling loved. Big cyber hugs and soon the real McCoy again :-D

Going to London to see the Queen ...

... actually, no I am not ... just some princesses :-) But I am very excited and very nervous. And I have got a blinding headache and feeling dizzy, but I know that is just psychological, the old pressures manifesting themselves in this way. Afraid not to fulfill expectations, of not being good enough, of disappointing people, etc etc. I will let go before I get there, travel is a form of meditation to me, so once I step off the coach the other end, I will be calm and collected ... she says hopefully.

Not got much money, some of which I even had to borrow, benefits are still not sorted. The last time I contacted them, I was told I have to give them 30 days to deal with it. Is that 30 days from my first contact or 30 days from them telling me that I have to wait that long? I suppose the interpretation of the statement is as usual at the long arm of burocracy *sigh*

Anyway, I am going to have a few carefree days with friends, shall walk the dog in a minute, get the last minute stuff together and leave the house around midday. So long, cheerio, adios, sayonara ....

So many things to do ....

... and just writing here because I needed an excuse for not carrying on with my CV, nor my household, nor the oh-so-overdue letters. Baaaad girl!!! But all I want at the moment is knit or crochet, go out for walks or just sit at the computer. How will I ever be able to fit work into this tight regime again? LOL I need something that is home-based and someone to hand me the determination to stick with it. What chance have I got? None I should think.

Went round the secon hand shops yesterday, trying to find a frilly blouse I can wear for the pirats party. No luck! I found a pair of combat-trousers, size 0 - 3 months, for my unborn granddaughter though. It is sooooo cute:


But now my daughter is worried that pink tops might not go with it. I told her anything goes, even pink t-shirts & doc martens ;) That little girlie will be a carbon copy of tank girl if they like it or not. Hahaha!

Ebay still wont let me sign into my account, even though the dispute there was about 10 months ago has long been resolved. And everybody I know with an Ebay account, refuses to put my crochet designs on. Daughter is afraid that the social will accuse her of trading professionally, Pete just cant be bothered with a seller account, and all the others ... well ... they cant be bothered either. So I am mulling over how I can possibly sell the stuff. By now I have got 4 ponchos and 1 crib blanket. I am thinking of advertising locally on gumtree. At least that's free!

Bugger, I think I better get back to the CV and then fill in an application form. I cant cope with the stress .... :D

Bye Bye Llama Lashes, Hello Body Hair

Not too sure if that is a good thing or not. I loooooooved my llama lashes, although I had to wear my glasses on my nose in order to accommodate them and not continously scrape along the lenses, which at times was quite annoying I must admit. But on the other hand, I only had to shave legs and underarms only once in a fortnight, and even then there wasnt much there. So now I am going back to my drab facial look and werewolf legs and pits. On the other hand of course it means, that things are returning to normal, that treatment is well and truly over and all the accumulated chemical crap is leaving my body. So you decide what is better :-)

I should really go and see a doctor again as I had to stop taking the Diclofenac. Although they were helping with the pain a little, they again gave me dizzy spells, hot flushes and flickery vision. I can just do without that! But because of stopping the anti-inflammatories, the pain is excruciating. My right knee up to the hip was hurting so much yesterday, that it brought tears to my eyes. The strange thing is, it seems to hurt the most when I have been sitting/lying down and then get up. When I am in motion, particularly when walking the dog and being in a continous, even stride, the pain seems to subside. But afterwards the getting up seems to be twice as hard. Therefore I am not really certain of what to do. I now HATE going to the docs!!!

I am getting rather excited about going to London now. Only 10 days!!! Yayyyy ....

Happy dog ....

... happy owner and vice versa. Isis seems to be much happier and bouncier since I finished treatment and I can again give her the attention she deserves & the time she demands. I have started the old regime again. When we go out in the mornings, we work again. That means taking tiny little treats out with me and make her perform the various commands I give her, before giving her a treat. She is almost back to the standard she was in February before I started chemo. Now I am slowly going to introduce new exercises. Our only problem still is, that she wont do things without a treat, only when I shout and that is not the way to do it. It exhausts us both and ruins our day. Anyway, I am glad that we got through the 'dry' period and havent lost our touch. Isis loves working and I should really go to either obedience or agility classes with her, despite her age. She would benefit so much. Unfortunately there are none in our vicinity, and without a car we can't reach the out of town ones. No matter, we do what we can ourselves!

I am carrying on with the energy work, doing the mudras (finger yoga) and working with the chakras. I feel a lot more joyful and positive, appreciative for the things I have and not longing for the things I haven't got, like money. Everything will come when the time is right.

And my new saying is: It is not a measure of health to be well adjusted to a profoundly sick society.

Shoo bi doo

I seem so busy these days, yet so bored somehow. I realise it is all about myself at the moment and that I can't do anything without sorting this first. I spend a lot less time on the computer, but a lot more time on me. Like bathing, meditating, finger yoga or just sitting, staring into the air. Even that is pleasurable. And with each moment spent on myself, I seem to get stronger. I think I will soon be ready to face the outside world & work again. I refuse to give myself any pressure about it at the moment. I will know when the time is right :-)

I am back on the forum, but with much reduced activity. I haven't lost interest as such, but I am not being sucked in as much either. I answer, when I feel that I have something to say, otherwise I just read the next subject. Even that might be down to the strength I feel.

I am going down to London on the 30th October for definite. Yeee haww!

Self Self Self ...

... as in: self-assess, self-diagnose, self-prescribe, self-medicate, self-certificate, self-analyse and most of all talk crap to self!!! Can you tell? I have been to the GP surgery on Friday. My conversation with the doctor went as follows:

Me: Good afternoon, Dr. *unpronouncable name*

He: Ah it's you again, what can I do for you today *big sigh*

Me: Well, you know I finished treatment for HepC about 6 weeks ago ....

He: Yeeeees ....

Me: ... my bones ache more than ever and even the prescribed painkillers don't touch it most days ....

He: Yeeeeeeees, but what do you want me to do about it?

Me: I don't know, I am not the doctor ...

He: Have you tried Ibuprofen?

Me: I didn't know I could take that on top of the Co-Codamol ...

He: Oh, maybe not ... When will the Hep Team see you again?

Me: Not until January ...

He: Ah yes, I see! *stares onto computer screen* Take Diclofenac again.

Me: I did try that before treatment, but didn't get on well with it.

He: Yes I see *continues staring at screen*, you changed medication within a week.

Me: Yes, because it was horrible.

He: Well, you just have to try it again. *he proceeds to print prescription*

Me: Ok. *have given up by that time*

He hands me prescription.

Me: Thank you. But one more thing ...

He sighs.

Me: I have lost 2 1/2 toenails during treatment. Will they grow back? The haven't so far.

He: Let me see! *has a look at my toe nails* That's fungal.

Me: I thought so. What can I do about it?

He: Well, there are some brilliant tablets, looks like you need them for 3 - 6 months.

Me: Aha ...

He: But I won't describe them as you got HepC.

Me: Aha ...

He: I don't know, you might be able to convince another doctor, but not me.

Me: Ok, I didn't want to take any more tablets anyway.

He: Just hang in there!

Me: Ok.

He: Bye then ...

I get up and walk to the door, not sure what just happened there. No point in discussing anything else, I have lost my confidence ....

He: Oh by the way, your pains are fibromyalgia, which is normal after Interferon, so don't worry.

Me: Bye.

This was the doctor I particularly required NOT to see, as he is a complete arse. I will now write a letter and request that they put it on my notes, that I will only see certain doctors (who I asked for when making the appointment, which I was prepared to wait for). What else can I do? Another very pleasant NHS experience. Thank you!!!

Definitely normal ...

Hehe, when I saw this picture, I thought "That's my friend Kittie with her new Botox lips". Just couldnt resist posting it.

Back to normal ... my life seems to become just that again. Met with my trashy friend Nicola this lunchtime. Did some tearing around town, then sitting down outside a pub (with a J2O) and doing some serious catching up. I hadnt seen her since I quit my job at the Foyer, but bumped into her the week before last in the supermarket. Funny that, I keep meeting people I had thought I lost contact with. Anyway, we are keeping in touch for now, at least until she goes off to India for 5 months in January. Lucky cow LOL. I think I might take over her job at the homeless hostel, that would be grand. She is going to talk to them for me. Bless her!

I felt a bit iffy before I left for town this lunchtime, sort of panicky, with the usual flickery bits in front of my eyes, and that weird empty feeling inside, although I had had brekky, but that was soon gone when I was on the bus. So rushed to Primark before meeting Nic and got myself a skull t-shirt (£2), a black & white striped one (£2) and a pair of knickers (£1). Cant afford any more now that they have cut my benefits to next to nothing. I have written a couple of letters of complaint about that, hopefully they will re-instate it, or I am going to get into serious financial trouble. After all, I have still got a sicknote until December! AND I am looking for work. AND I never got DLA. So how they can expect me to pay rent & bills & eat on £25 a week, I cannot fathom.

On top of that it has transpired, that we will have hardly any money left over if I sign the current papers for the new mortgage. Just met up with Doug very briefly and he is going to phone the agent again. What that guy proposed is not what is on the contract. Typical! And I was so relying on that cash :( Fingers crossed that can be sorted too. And I was still sooooo positive a couple of days ago.

Seeing GP tomorrow to discuss coming off the anti-d's soon. Not daring to try that with the painkillers yet, but it will come .... eventually.

Baby Poncho

Just very quickly ... I finished the poncho today (although the blanket is only half crocheted together yet ooops). It looks absolutely adorable, even if I say so myself. I have started the next one already, different style, different colours ... more baby-ish :-)

Of course, these retro ponchos can be ordered directly and are then made to order, i.e. the colour scheme and size will be defined by the customer. The first few will go on ebay, see what the demand is like. Although, if somebody wants to buy or order now, feel free :-)

Off to bed now, early start tomorrow for some crocheting .... I think I am addicted LOL

Life continues ....

... and on the 6th day she created water and let it fall from the sky ... bloody weather! Although I quite enjoyed going for an early morning walk with Isis in the rain and wind. Finally I can really enjoy my walks again. And although I am doing much more walking, I have put on weight!! Over 2 kg! I will have to watch it!

I think I have finally recovered from the travel bug and the holiday blues. The holiday was fab, and with having a hire car, we were able to see bits of the country, where tourism is just a mere word in the dictionary. The first 3 days we spent driving down the coast and stopping wherever it took our fancy. I never realised that the Costa Azul has 100s of kilometers of sandy beaches, with hardly anybody using them! Most places dont provide for tourists and the ones that do, nobody would be seen dead in them. Needless to say, I didn't go in the water. 18 degrees and very high waves is nothing for me. I prefer bath tub temperatures and mirror-like water surfaces. Did I mention that I am not a very confident swimmer? My near death in France from a stingray might have something to do with that! The 4th day/evening was spent in Lisbon. Although it is beautiful in parts architecturally, the masses of people gave me the creeps. Most of them were very hoity-toity and looked at us as if we were beggars. Tried to ask directions a couple of times, because wisely we left the city map in the log cabin at the camping, but people's steps just excelerated and they were gone very quickly. We did find Baixa Alto in the end, after walking up a very steep hill. I kept thinking: I couldn't have done that a month ago. But I was doing better than the company present, and didn't really even huff! We went for a meal in one of the small roads between beautiful old houses, where I only could eat a vegetable soup and bread. Most menus in Portugal only contain meat!!! And they won't go out of their way to offer anything different. Afterwards we ended up in the Hardrock Café, a place I have always despised in all countries I have been too - a little bit like McD's - but I had to go, as my companion wanted to tick it off his list of 'have to do before I die'.

The last 3 days we spent driving back through the inland on my request. We visited Tomar (old crusader castle and famous monastry of the Templars), Coimbra (lively student town with lovely cafés and lots to see) and the last night in Porto (beautiful town, lots of hippy shops, but dreadful provision of affordable restaurants). Driving across the high plateau was very stunning to see for me, extensive eucalyptus forests, slightly sloping hills and gorgeous houses/farms.

The holiday has proven once again: I am asexual. I did not see one man or one woman I fancied!!! Might be still the Anti-Ds, but I doubt it. I just haven't got it anymore and I am not even sad about it. In fact, I am glad to be rid of the hassle. Makes dealing with people a lot easier!

Last words to the week away: Although I travelled with somebody, who is rather old for his age, forgetful and draws total blanks a lot of times, it was relaxing despite me doing all the driving (1000 miles without a panic attack) and I am very glad, that I do not need to report any late night rubbing up against my back or other sexual innuendos. He was the perfect gentleman (in that respect) once again and I am grateful for it. I am still a reborn virgin! LOL

Home sweet home

Yes, I am back ... and quite happy about it too. It is strange how much I got used to my routine, which serves as a mega security blanket. Felt quite out of my depth on occasions out there. As I walked through the door, I had a massive welcome from the animals. So sweet! Then I walked Isis, fed the cats ... and things were back to normal. Very comforting.

I had a good time on holidays, but it wasn't very relaxing. I drove 1000 miles, without a problem I might add, no panic attack or fear, which was quite amazing. However, my friend is quite hard work these days. He has become so old, so worn, so tired and his brain is not quite functioning anymore. He is 54!!! But still he is trying to hang on to his old hippy image, pretending to live in the 60s/70s. This can be so infuriating at times and he gets rather quarrelsome when he's had a drink, also very negative about life, the universe and everything. On top of that, he is becoming quite a macho and I did have to bite my tongue a few times, when he was raving about women ^^ So now back home, I enjoy the silence and as long as I am not working, I can relax and recuperate here.

The holiday has shown me, that I am probably ready to go back to work though. I didn't experience any fatigue, pains weren't too bad either and I think the brain fog is almost gone. Still forgetting the odd thing here and there, like names, places and what I was going to do, but I am starting to put that down to old age now rather than the treatment. I think as from next week I will put some effort into signing up with some job agencies, providing they will have me.

Today will be a quiet day. I feel like I haven't arrive back quite yet. So pottering around doing some necessary cleaning and walking the dog sounds just ideal. Not going back on the forum yet either. Can't cope with more attacks just yet, and as there isn't much support (i.e. moderators) my mind needs to be fully fit to cope with it. It's a shame really, because I do miss it, but it has deteriorated over the past few weeks and so far I don't think anything is being done to get it back on track. Poor T. has left due to all the personal attacks and W. has lost all her confidence, too. Not what anybody needs who is just doing/finishing/awaiting treatment. Well, I guess I will have a look tomorrow and then make my final decision.

Excitement, worry & blonde hair ...

Yes, I am getting excited to the point of feeling sick! I did have about 8 cups of coffee, however, so that might have something to do with it ;-) Everything is packed, apart from make up and toothbrush, just hope I won't forget that in the early hours of the morning. I can be such a brainless nitwit sometimes ... errrm ... most of the time. Went to the pet shop & the supermarket and bought enough animal fodder to last the week. Had a bath in lovely Lush bath bomb to calm me down, but it didn't really help. Shaved, scrubbed, moisturised with tanning stuff - smelling goooooood. Taxi is ordered for 5am, getting up at 3.30am. By the time I arrive I will be shattered, but at least I am flying from the local airport! I might have to have a beer tonight, just so I can sleep. Had big plans to crash out during the day, but there was just too much to do, although I did only half of what I had planned, and anyway, nerves wouldnt have permitted it.

Worried about Isis though. She is still scratching and nibbling like mad. I found some spikey seeds on her yesterday and was wondering if they might do it. She has been brushed every day at the moment and been under my scrutinising eye for fleas. Nothing there! So I haven't got a clue what the skin irritation might be. Was wondering if it was stress as I was packing my bag the last week. She knows I am going away and doesn't leave my heels at the moment. Bloody sensitive thing!!!

Oh yes, and I bleached my hair. It was just wayyyyyyyy too boring dark. I will put some purple into the fringe in a minute too. 50 years and not a bit wiser LOL. Well, whoever doesn't like it, doesn't have to look at me. My daughter told me not to look too middle-aged, so I have got an excuse. She better not tell me it looks stupid now :-)

I wave goodbye to everybody, I will report back in a week. Be happy!!!

The new me ...

This is the new me. The hair had to go as it didn't stop falling out. This reminds me of when I was about 30. Mind you, then I had things like leopard skin pattern or stripes dyed into it. That of course I can do now. I went out yesterday and bought some clippers. £6.99 at Argos. Much cheaper than going to the hairdressers or even the barbers ;-) I left the fringe. As there arent any sores at the front, I thought I'll bleach it and put some pink or purple in. Dont want to look too straight!! This is also me without any make up!!! I would not have done THAT , when I was 30. Having a picture taken without make up. Oh the joys of being fifty ;-) It feels quite nice running a hand over the stubbles, probably get people wanting to stroke me haha. Anyway, they say cutting all your hair off gets rid of a lot of old issues. I shall report if I start feeling different.

Have a nice, peaceful & happy weekend everybody.

What a peculiar day ...

I was angry when I got up this morning and throughout the early day, so angry that I had stomach cramps and difficulties drawing a breath. Anger and arguments do that to me. This was only a virtual spat, namely on the forum, but it did hurt. I don't go there to endure a personal attack, having things thrown in my face, which I wrote in honesty and trust, also being patronised and basically told that I am stupid. How conceited must a person be to assume that, without knowing much about the other individual? Anyway, to avoid furher hurt and an explosion on my part, where I only would show myself up and open up to more attacks, I am taking a breather from it, to regain my self control, self worth and confidence. But can I just say: WHAT AN ARSEHOLE!!! I did briefly post that I won't be on until after the holiday. That is 13 days and should be enough. If I am then insulted again, I will draw the consequences, may they be ever so hard, to leave the board completely. It would be a great shame, but the people who want to keep contact with me can email. But let's not close the stable door BEFORE the horse has bolted.

Anyway, I went downtown at lunchtime, trying to look for a swimming costume, in case we do go swimming when I am there. As I was pottering through the supermarket after an unsuccessful ramble through all the clothes and second hand shops (well, they've all got the winter range of clothing now), I bumped into Nicola, an ex-colleague from the home for homeless young people who I was close to then, but we lost contact. Phone numbers changed and she is a traveller as well, so I would never be able to find out where she was living at any given time. We had a good natter, in the middle of an aisle, and she took my phone number, saying let's get together for some dinner when she is off work. Also, she is now employed at Jamaica Street Hostel for the Homeless, a place where I always wanted to work. I asked her if there was any vacancies and apparently they are looking for receptionists and night staff. So I will be straight on the phone on Monday. The good thing about it is, that there are many drug addicts and alcoholics living there, so I can certainly do some awareness work and maybe progress up the ladder too. Keeping everything firmly crossed for that.

Then I stood at the bus stop and the second ex-colleague from the same place walked past. I called her and she was really happy to see me, hugging me and squeezing me. Again, a good conversation and catch up was had and then she left. Funnily enough I found out that she used to have HepC ... contracted it through snorting cocaine. So she understood treatment and its implications.

So now I am back home, smiling and celebrating life once more. Stuff the negative people, welcome all my shiny people. You know who you are! Blessings to you.

What is wrong with me?

There must be something massively wrong with me. I have met 3 people over the past few months, who I established a lovely pen contact with. Then I meet these people in person, I spend some time with them ... and voilá ... they disappear out of my life. I do try to convince myself, that it is their loss, not mine. But ultimately I do feel that it is my loss too. I just wish I knew why it happened, why they don't want any contact with me anymore, what I did/said wrong. I am working on not dwelling on this, but I can feel it eating away on me. It also makes me cautious to suggest to other people to meet up. People not liking me used to be a dead given in my druggy days, but I really thought I had progressed from that. Then I know I used to be horrible, cold and distant, always looking to get a fix out of my acquaintances and 'friends'. I am a better person now, really I am. I give more than I receive (I hope) and I choose to do so. I also live my life without hurting anybody intentionally. The old Wiccan principle: Do as you want to be done by. So what the fuck is still wrong with me? Where can I improve, how can I be even a better person?

Starting to look forward to the holidays now. Out of these for walls, the first time since March really. Hopefully the weather won't let me down too much. I want to enjoy the outdoors and not be stuck indoors or get soaking wet when outside. Well, I shall see. Still anticipating a good time ....

Oh, by the way, up to 110 squares for the blanket now. It was supposed to be 12 x 12, but have decided now to make it 15 x 15 pieces, i.e. 1.5 x 1.5 m. This means I need to crochet 125 more ... arrrgh!

It's all good at the moment ...

Oh yes it is! I think I can almost say I feel better than I felt before starting treatment and that is saying something. I haven't had a daytime nap for days now, in fact I usually get up between 6 and 7 am, stay awake during the day, taking it relatively easy though, and go to bed around 11 pm. I can climb hills again without having to stop 10 times and I take the dog out for a couple of hours without feeling overly exhausted or sick afterwards. 4 weeks ago half an hour was a major achievement. Ok, I am lucky and don't have to go to work yet, but currently I think I would even be able to manage that, providing it was the right job. So I have started looking. Nothing to be done before the holiday though, but it's good to know what's out there. Found a couple of Youth Worker vacancies, which are only between 6 & 10 hours per week. That might be a start and they also offer the Youth Worker qualifications into the bargain. One of them even is a street worker job, something I would love to do. Hence I will spend the next couple of days filling in the application forms. Typically me, I have lost my CV when my last computer went to meet its maker. So I will have to construct one of them again. Why can I never save important documents to a CD *rolling eyes*

Tomorrow morning I am signing the papers for the house. I will then learn the figures regarding payout as well and can start planning renovations etc. All the painting & decorating I can do myself, with a bit of help from said friends. It will be a nice challenge and to restore the house to its former glory quite satisfying.

I also have to go shopping. I had planned to go over to Tesco's on the free bus and invest in some kitchen scales and maybe a swimming costume, spending the voucher my dear friend Humble sent me for my birthday. Unfortunately, the bus only runs at 10.40 am and returns at 1 pm. As the mortgage chap is coming at 10 am I don't think I will make that. Therefore it will be ASDA once again and the other trip on Friday. Must do it before the holiday!! Started to look for clothes to pack today and was as usual at a loss. I am dreadful with packing! Either I do it weeks before and change it about 50 times, or I end up chucking something in a bag last minute, only to arrive and find that everything is totally not colour co-ordinated and I hate wearing it and end up buying new stuff wherever I am. Not exactly the point of a cheap holiday, is it?

Definitely up and running again ...

... not EXACTLY like clockwork yet, although I don't suppose I'd even know how that would feel, but in a bearable and almost enjoyable way. Tiring naturally, when I have done a lot, and not getting tired when I am just lounging around. I would never class myself as normal, but this feels at least like some sort of normality.

I had a visitor from the forum on Saturday and also Sunday morning. A very nice person, very lively and outgoing, despite his HepC. He came up to have a look at the house in Ludlow Rd as him, his partner and dog are getting kicked out of their present accommodation by the end of the month. I was mightily embarrassed to take him into the house, it looks worse than I remembered, plus Sally was there as well. Don't know what he thought, but he didn't seem too shocked. I guess he will explain to his g/f and we will see if they do move in and help with the renovations. I need to speak to Doug now and discuss the financial arrangements. This is such a chance for us to both get some money out of the property we both abandoned, really. That's the long term plan anyway, and on the short time scale, I should at least get a car out of it. After all, I will have to transport building materials and run back and forth, seeing that I am the one in situ. Just keeping my fingers crossed that Doug's oh-so-laid-back attitude doesn't interfere. Plus Sally wants to be 'involved in the project'. Well her ideas and mine are chalk and cheese, luckily most of the time she is in Wales, so I reckon that gives me (and the people who will live there) some sort of lee way. It is quite exciting all this planning and seems to give me some extra energy.

Today I haven't got much planned. More squares for the baby blanket, a bit of TV (as I can watch again and it actually makes sense), a bit of housework, a couple of walks with the dog and I devilishly got out of cooking tonight, as I have leftovers for myself from yesterday. Chilli always tastes better the second day, AND I can east it with my favourite noodles ... Suebish Spaetzle yummmmmmmm!!!

KaaaaabOOOOOm

So I did finally crash!!! Woke up at 4am on Tuesday morning with the most horrible shivering, cold sweats and incredible bone and muscle ache. It took me about half an hour before I could muster up the strength to go downstairs to get some painkiller. Since finishing treatment I didn't have them by my bedside anymore. That tought me a valuable lesson and they are back up here where they belong. The whole of Tuesday I spent in bed, not even Isis got a walk, living on painkillers and feeling sorry for myself. Yesterday was slightly better, so I did the much needed shopping, which was a big mistake as it left me feeling bad this morning again. As the day went on though, things progressed for the better and I am feeling almost normal again, apart from the bone ache. It is a strange pain. Not like my usual arthritis pain, more like the insides of my bones are aching, like daggers or electric shocks through my bone marrow. Surely you shouldnt be able to feel your marrow?? Anyway, I very much hope that this was the one and only crash and it stays uphill for now. I have gotten so used to feeling better, that this was a most worrying experience.

Doug has decided to sign the house over to me. Not quite sure what brought this about, but it's fine with me. We haven't argued about it for the last 20 years and I am sure we won't start now. He will carry on to pay the mortgage, which will be reduced as I am taking it over as single ownership. The intention is to restore it to its former glory and sell it. Profits for both of us and he can buy somewhere with his current partner, which she is giving him grief about anyway. Whatever!!! I am just glad that the house is still there, because we can help one of my HepC friends with a place to live and as he is a carpenter, he will help us renovate the house. One hand washes the other so to speak! I just hope he likes it there, I know it's a mess at the moment as it has been empty for over a year, just with Doug sleeping there once in a blue moon, and we all know what he is like haha.

My flight has been booked for the holiday, so I am really looking forward to it. I think I deserve a week away after all I have been trough. I know I will miss Naarla and Isis after about 2 days, but I know that Pete will take good care of them. That is one of the things I can rely on with him. So, thank you Pete! That has to be said once in a while.

My baby blanket is progressing. 51 squares already! Picture on the front ... when there were less. Jessica likes the colours ... phewwww :-)

A bit down ...

Today I feel a little down and sad. I dont know what has caused this, probably just the constant rain during the week. Or maybe it is because my beloved Nomads Forum is closed for maintenance and I can't touch base with friends. And there I was yesterday saying 'Oh I won't miss it' and 'I've got lots of other stuff to do'. Hah! I probably just go back to bed. Well, I have been getting up at 6am nearly every morning this week, no catnapping during the day and although I didn't do anything strenous I did do things and was happy doing them. Seems slowly my interest in things return. I even got out the guitar on Thursday, tuned it up and strummed a couple of songs. Better not tell you that I sang along with them loudly, because my voice sounds as if it is coming from the bottom of a metal watering can. But it didn't matter - it certainly released some happy hormones and I was humming and 'dum-bi-do'ing the rest of the time. That's why it is strange to feel down today. Oh whatever - I am sure it will pass.

The baby blanket I am crocheting for my daughter is progressing nicely too. 144 Afghan squares in reds, purples, pinks and white are needed. I have not even got 20 yet! But I do have until January to finish it.

Still don't know where the holiday at the end of the month will take me. Found one very cheap flight from Bristol to Porto (£38), but I have never been to Portugal, so wouldn't know where to stay. But maybe that is half the adventure. But ... we're talking Atlantic coast here, probably rough and not exactly beachy. And I so wanted some sun, sand and sea. Warm sea! That's why I wanted to go back to Gozo. But for some reason the flights are just too expensive at this time of year. Another alternative is Stansted to Alghero in Sardinia. That would be more my cup of tea I reckon. Hardly any tourists, Med and therefore warm, and plenty of remote beaches. Well, will check my emails to see what Werner thinks about it all.

Getting strong ...

I very much notice that I am getting stronger day by day. Yesterday I did my first long walk with the dog after 6 months. Nearly 2 hours, from here down the Northern Slopes, along the road to Victoria Park, all our usual walks there, and all the way back up the hill. Only at the very last bit I felt a bit breathless. Still struggling with the headaches and foggy brain, and more and more again with achey joints. I was seriously (and probably am still) waiting for the crash and the weepiness and sadness settling in, but so far my mental state has still been one of delight and joy. Maybe I am one of the few who doesn't sink into depression after treatment.

I have started to look for work. Two employment agencies already denied me a job. They didn't actually say that it was because of the Hep C, but wrote 'that after careful consideration' they couldnt offer me work. What else, but HCV would cause that. If I was 'normal', they would have at least invited me for an interview and then probably decided, that I didn't look right. Anyway, I have dug out some hospital and some government jobs, I might or might not apply. In a way I am thinking it would be good to just get 16 hours a week to start with, sort of to get used to work again, although it only has been 8 months at home, and with those hours it wouldnt affect my benefit either. Also, the Bristol Drugs Project is looking for volunteers. That might be a start in the right direction and I wouldn't be out of place there! Still trying to get my head round it all.

First though - holidays. It might not be Malta after all. Werner has not booked anything yet and is leaving the logistics to me. I have to send him the flight I want and he will book it & pay for it. Not a bad arrangement either ;-) I am thinking I might want to go to Sardinia. I know it is very quiet there, so that might be just what I need. Other options are: Zadar in Croatia, Valencia, Santiago de Compostela, Rimini, Majorca, Jerez or Faro. Oh the choices!!! Funnily enough, I cannot find any flights to Greece, neither Ryanair nor Easyjet. I wonder where they are hiding. I have to hurry up with it too, as Werner wants to go from 23.-30. September. Better make my mind up soon!

When the music's over ....

... turn out the light! Although we never had any music all the way through the party. That must either mean, that we're all getting old or we were being sufficiently entertained by each other. I for my part would say it was the latter. I was overwhelmed all the way trough the day. Presents from Australia and America, phonecalls from those locations, a beautiful birthday cake ... sponge with yummy icing, my fav!!!! Then the wonderful dedication and high spirits when leafletting in the afternoon. It was really good to see how devoted my fellow heppers are to the awareness raising. Thanks, friends! I think we did a marvellous job. Even if those 2 people go and get tested, we will have fulfilled our aim for the day, dont you think? Then the evening festivities. We never needed fish & chips, there was plenty of food left from lunchtime. Also the most gorgeous, delicious and irresistable Pavlova was brought by a local hepper. The bit that was left over at night, some of us had as breakfast on Sunday :)

I was impressed how many people did make the party despite being on treatment or not feeling to bright for other reasons. So thank you again all that came. The ones that had to cancel due to health or mental reasons, you were sorely missed, but I am sure you will be able to come to the next nomadic gathering. The ones that just couldnt be bothered ... oh well, nothing I can say to that.

I am still suffering the aftermath of the preparations, late night and clearing up. But I suffer it happily, because it was so worth it. My mental attitude is more positive than ever, I am sure the body will pull level soon enough. Now I have to start planning some campaigning and awareness raising for the future. I am ready for it!

At this point, a big thanks & a hug to my handsome, clever and lovely press officer. I wont mention the name, you know who you are! :-x

Big Day Tomorrow ... 30th August 2008

Tomorrow is going to be a big day for me and the Nomads Hepper Community! Finishing treatment coinciding with my 50th and planning a big party with incorporated awareness event down in Bristol town, has triggered quite a bit of interest in the media world. So the agenda of tomorrow looks like this:

6.00 am Get up
7.30 am Taxi to BBC Bristol
8.10 am Radio Interview with Ali Vowles about Hep C
9.00 am Taxi back home
11.00 am First guests to arrive
12.30 pm Buffet Lunch at Chateau La Fish
3.00 pm The group descends onto Bristol
4.00 pm Awareness event outside Colston Hall
4.30 pm Leafletting, free hugs & info at Harbourside
5.30 pm Return to the ranch
6.30 pm Dinner
7.00 pm Evening festivities start

It will be a busy and stressful day for me, but I am so looking forward to it. I am so amazed how quickly energy levels have risen. Mentally I feel like a new woman anyway, hopefully the rest of the body will follow. Still full of aches and pains, including headaches, but in this frame of mind, much easier to deal with. Hopefully tomorrow's activities will only be the start of a whole awareness campain. It would be good to go national as we have got forum members in almost all the bigger cities of the UK, but not everybody can afford to be as open and frank about Hep C as me.

I would like to thank Mr Martin Bolton at this point, for making my time at his forum such a gruelling one and to force me to leave. It was probably the best thing that ever happened to me. I tip my head at his foresight :P

50 today

How very uneventful it really was! No major changes, no more aches and pains than usual, no sudden awakening to greater wisdom, just plain old Karina. But I did realise that I can now join the AXA Over 50th Plan and go on a Saga Holiday. Age has got its advantages too ;-) I dont even feel bad being 50. That probably proves, that age is but a number. As somebody on the forum very kindly put it today: I am not 50, I am 18 with 32 years experience. I liked that!!! Didn't do much; went down the road for some charity shop browsing, got my hair cut (see new profile photo), or rather what was left of it, bought a new, fitting bra (the old ones are all too large) and a couple of pairs of trousers. Oh yes, and I finally had to succumb into buying an eyelash curler. Probably won't need it long, but it's a good thing for the time being. And I got some tweezers as I need to sort out my forest-type eyebrows before Saturday's party.

Pete got me some Royal Jelly bath foam and some Dead Sea Bath Crystals with Jasmine, which I though was rather thoughtful, and he painted me a beautiful birthday card, which I will frame. It has only taken him 3 years since he promised me one! Pete's mum (who he hasnt told that we have separated) has send the usual bag of Lush products. She knows I love them! Plenty of birthday wishes on the forum, made me feel loved, quite a few text messages and a phone call from my ex-mother-in-law, who I love dearly and is closer to me than my mother ever was.

I was spoiled too. I only had to do the shopping, the hoovering and the cooking today. Pete did the rest. And on this note, I shall submerge myself in some smelly bubbles now and REALLY spoil myself.

Another First Day ...

Today is my official first day of detox. Not sure what I am feeling yet. Elation in a way that it is all over and I seem to have beaten the virus. But also starting to feel a 'what now' emotion, i.e. having to think about the future. I know it is too early to make firm plans yet, I am still far too confused with too many chemicals swirling around in my blood. But the threatening wall of having to find work again and having to actually leave the house every day is slowly mounting in front of me. Many of my detoxing friends on the forum report a great sadness around about the 2nd or 3rd week. I have thought about this, and it seems to be quite obvious that that will happen. As my answer to a post regarding this topic on the Nomads says:

What we have gone through is massive. Shoving our body full of chemicals, beating the virus, all that fighting before and during tx, physically and mentally. And then what? It's bound to leave a void, which expresses itself in sadness for a while. But I firmly expect that a better, bigger us will emerge in the end, we will be stronger and more assertive, more sure of what we want and more importantly what we dont want! In the meantime, let's embrace the sadness and grieve for everything we have been through, it's a bit like an old mate has died, isnt it?

I know I will have to be patient to come to that point, but I think I will ... I think we ALL will.

Poo, poo and more poo ...

What the heck is happening with my body now?? After over 5 months of solid stools, solid to the point of causing bleeding, I have now the waterworks non-stop. It started a few days ago, that I got terrible tummy pain the moment I ate something. One day of vomitting followed and now this. I must have spent about 2 hours in the toilet this morning, enveloped in my own stink, because I couldn't flush as fast as I was producing shyte. It seems to have calmed down at the moment, but then I must be completely empty up to the stomach if not further. I feel completely weak and washed out (!), but find it difficult to get anything, even water, past my lips. A trip to the doctors might be needed again tomorrow if there is no change.

Anyway, the birthday party planning is coming along nicely. Over 20 people have confirmed so far and there are a few possibles still in the pipeline. Funny this is so far away from what I had imagined about a year ago for my birthday, but I am loving it. It will be particularly good to do some awareness raising in town. There isn't done enough in Bristol and I might have to think of more drastic measures in the future ... like chaining myself to the Venue building or on top of the BRI hospital. *grin* Still hoping to found a support group once I have detoxed a bit and feeling better. Even though I am still considering to move next year, once the support group is set up, it probably will keep going beyond my departure. I am not delusioned enough to think that I am irreplacable.

Shot. Last. Done. Worse than ever ....

Couldnt wait any longer yesterday. Did the last shot at 6pm. It was pretty unceremonious, only when I pulled the needle out for the last time, I mumbled: "Bye bye forever!" Well, lets hope that it will be a 'forever'. About an hour after the injection, I started throwing up, having really bad stomach and belly cramps followed by various trips to the loo, shivering and sweating all night and I only just managed to get up at 12 midday! Did have my breakfast at around 9am, but instantly felt sick and tummy troubled again. So went back to sleep. At the moment the stomach has calmed down. I wonder if it is the Ribavirin doing it and my inerts saying: "WE HAVE HAD ENOUGH" Tough, there is another 6 days of tablets to be done. Oh well, got this far, will manage the last few days too.

Now of course I have started to worry about the detox. Will I feel as bad as some of my friends? Or might I just be lucky and one thing will go easy for me for a change?? I think if I just can get back to feeling as before tx, it would be bloody marvellous. Anything better than that, I would jump with joy. Having felt crap for nearly 20 years, I dont really have a picture of how a 50 year old, relatively healthy woman should be feeling.

Jessica felt the necessity to row with me in her emails again yesterday. She seemed to have some problems with her parents-in-law again, who are refusing to pay child maintenance for their 25 year old son. She wanted to phone me to 'discuss' this with me. Apparently she was very low. Well, unfortunately, so was I. I had just spent some time vomiting and in pain, I had a banging headache and just wanted to lay down. I told her, that I didnt feel capably of holding the phone. She went into a rant about that everybody lets her down when she needs people, that she always has to be there for us, but nobody is ever there for her. I know that song and dance, and just didnt email back and looked after myself. The message I had this morning: "Bye then and thanks for nothing!" So the blame is on me again and I am expected to come crawling and make up I guess. The thing is, I've just gone through tx on my own. She wanted to come and visit, but found every excuse under the sun not to come. So I left it. Whenever she phoned, it was about her, usually a hasty 'And how are you?' thrown in at the end. So therefore I don't think I should feel too guilty for caring for myself at the moment. I shall not make the first move for now. Gemini's are such difficult people. Beautiful and vibrant and loving on the one hand, and devilish and hurtful on the other end. Shame they don't recognise that.

Going to force myself out with Isis now and then down to the cashpoint. Hopefully once there I find the strength to go scowering the charity shops for an outfit and grab some food stuff too. It might just lift my general mood!