Is there a nail in my bread?

Because the last time I saw my lovely blue artificial thumb nail was BEFORE I was kneading bread last night. And I only noticed that it was missing when the bread was already in the oven. Not a lot I could do about it then, was there? So, now do I tell P to watch out for a nail or do I just wait and have a giggle after he tells me that he found it over the weekend when I was in London? Hmmm ...

Went shopping this morning, but being the usual half wit I am at 9am, I left my bank card at home. Luckily I had taken a tin full of 1p and 2p coins to change up. So I could at least buy the necessities. I even had enough over to have a quick browse through the charity shops. And what do I find? Only the most adorable boots of all times. Sort of punky/biker!!! I just had to have them. At that point I only had about £2 left in my purse. So I went up to the guy at the counter, who by the way is exceptionally cute, tattooed and pierced, shaved head and very sweet, and asked him, if I could give him £2 towards the boots - they were priced at £9.99 - and if he would keep them until the afternoon for me to pick up. Obviously he didn't want to see me again - hahaha - because he said that I can have the boots for the money I got. Now I am prancing around at home with the incredibly comfy, perfectly fitting boots :-) Sad though that I don't have a reason to go there again this afternoon!

Right-o, I need to go out with Isis now, then try an outfit on for travelling tomorrow (new boots included) and finish packing my rucksack. I also need to decide which yarn to take, crochet or knitting, have a bath, dye my hair, put a face mask on, pluck eyebrows and last but not least ... replace the missing nail.

I am in good spirits :-)

Pictures

Well, although my daughter has decided to not want contact with me at the moment, she still keeps me updated with photos of my new granddaughter and also photos of my gorgeous grandson. I suppose that is something. And every time I get photographs, I just write back to say thank you and tell them how much I love them (I tell them that out of the blue too). I would love to share the pics with you, but I need to ask my dauther for permission to post them publicly. She doesnt usually like it, which is why I have send them to my nearest and dearest in emails and not put them on the worldwide web. However, I will ask J if it is ok to post one on my blog. They are both such sweet kids and I miss them heaps. Just as well I am here in England and not in Germany ... otherwise I would probably force entry into my daughters house. LOL.

2 more days and I shall be in London!!! Getting tattooed on Friday together with Kittie. We're having the same ... the biohazard symbol in hot pink :-) As we have to be disposed off as biohazard once we're dead due to the HepC, we might as well have the warning sign already on us. Saves them putting it on the black zip-up bag we going to be in haha. I am seriously looking forward to having some pain ... I am weird. But getting tattooed is almost like self-harming ... feeling of relief afterwards is indescribable. And at least you dont get all the guilt stuff after a tattoo. Warped, I know!

Beautiful small world

I had to realise again today what a beautiful small world we live in. About 2 1/2 years ago I met a very nice woman when walking the dog in the park. A different park to now, in a different part of town. We really hit it off at that time, stood and chatted for about an hour, then went both our own way. I sadly thought only afterwards, that we should have swapped telephone numbers. Always clever in hindsight - that's me! But I was sure that I was going to see her again, I was always going to that park and she told me she jogged there daily. Unfortunately a few months after I moved house and didn't see her again. Today we bumped into eachother again. As I said, in a totally different area of the city. Funnily enough, she had moved here not long after me. But up to today, I had not seen her or just didn't notice her. As neither of us had anything to write with us, her jogging, me walking the dog, and as she doesn't live far from where we met, she invited me back for coffee. This time we have made sure we have eachothers numbers and have already arranged for a meeting when we are both back from London. She is going on the same weekend as me, namely THIS weekend, also this Thursday and also until Sunday. Strange coincidences indeed. She has like me lived in Germany, Turkey, Israel and now England. She is studying dance at the moment, just like me at her age. She is also single and doesn't want another man in her life. All very peculiarly similar ...

Bloody hell ...

Something weird is going on with my blood. I have had a spot on my right cheek ... yes the one in the face not the one at the other end ... and it keeps opening and bleeding profusely. And I don't mean ordinary bleeding, no it gushes out, to the extent that I have completely ruined my duvet cover the other day and a t-shirt today. My hands, face and neck was covered in it too. I have no alternative but put a plaster on it, which of course is very fetching. I reckon I should go and see the doc about it. I mean, one possibility is simply that the spot is directly on a blood vessel ... but of course, other possibilities are springing to mind, not pleasant ones either! Every time I have something like this, I start thinking about skin cancer. Naturally I would be an obvious victim of that, having worked and lived in very hot climates and enjoyed the sun with no protecting at all. It being Friday today and gathering that I wouldn't get a doctors appointment until the middle of next week either I have decided that I will mention it to my Hep Team next Thursday. Maybe it has indeed something to do with the changes my blood has undergone during and since treatment. Just hoping the bloody thing closes up, so I don't have to wear a plaster when going to London. I think I'd die with shame!!!

Detox & Dairy

or dairy & detox as depicted. Anyway, detox as far as it is my 4th day today without any alcohol :-) Really want to give myself a break before London, so I won't feel too guilty having a couple of glasses of wine there. After all, I do want to enjoy myself a little :-) Not intending to get into the hangover stage, but still ... And as I am now receiving £20 more per fortnight, a visit to the pub might even be considered. Where dairy is concerned, I have decided to stay off it as much as possible. Due to my rotten composure the last few days I didn't manage to get to the supermarket to get Alpro milk. So I drank cows' milk in my coffee, thought it wouldn't matter. But hell, am I paying for it. With exaggerated pains ouch ouch ouch. So dairy does make a difference when you're suffering from arthritis. I don't think I will ever be a complete vegan, but let's say, I am hoping to make 90%.

Have made a cute prezze for Kittie. I hope she likes it. The fiancée is not getting one this time. Suits him right for not treating my friend the way she should be treated!!! Only 1 week to go and I get out of here for a few days and see the people I love. Not that I don't love P and the animals, but I do have them around me all the time ;)

Gotz da lurgy ....

Woke up at 8am (!!!!) this morning, coughing and spluttering, sniffing and sneezing, muscles feeling like having been to the gym all night and head exploding with pain. No doubt I got the lurgy! Comes from being bombarded with P's germs all weekend. He's finally feeling better ... no wonder, he passed it onto me! Fuck a duck! I could have done without this. Now let's hope that the lurgy will not linger as I want to be fit to go to London on the 26th. Don't want to get there by the skin of my teeth and having to spend 3 days lurking on Kittie's sofa spreading the joy of viral little friends. I want to be able to get out and about, Cafe Stitch is one of the suggestions, which sounds really good. There is also a man I wouldnt mind seeing again ... not what you're thinking now, no, just because I want a bit of feasting my eyes. Precious little of that going on where I live. They all wear tracksuits, hoodies or caps ... yuck! So, I am seriously starved of a bit of biker/metal/long hair/beardage *chrr chrr*. And of course, with the lurgy surging around my body, I wouldnt look my best. Finally I like my hair again. It's about 3 cm long and I can spike it up and mess it up to my hearts' content. I am also taking my double-ended dreads down to London, hopefully Kittie will have time to dread them into my fringe, as that should be long enough. The rest can follow later :-) Getting the punk chick on again ... must be a good sign.

Didnt make it to the local stitch & bitch yesterday. I had all the best intentions, but Sunday bus service decided for me. I wasn't gonna get there in time, so I didn't get there at all. The next one is when I am in the big smoke, so deffo missing it, will have to wait until 15th March now. Shame!!!

Friday the 13th

Despite all superstitious beliefs, nothing bad happened yesterday. Quite the opposite! When I checked my emails just before dinner last night, there was one from my daughter saying: "Regardless of everything going on, I don't want to deprive you of your granddaughter, so here are some photos!" I was very happy to receive them and was oogling the little mite for ages. She looks so different to the first grandchild, when he was born. Amira is very dark in skin and has the biggest eyes ever with the blackest eyeballs ever. She looks a lot more like her dad than Kylian ever did, although I suspect the dark complexion comes from the Mexican side of our family. The shaping of the head through forceps birth hasn't quite disappeared yet, after all it's only been 5 weeks, but the indication that it soon will be back to normal is there. Just a matter of time ... Oh I am such a proud nana :-)

I am feeling a bit better in myself, having recognised that I was making myself ill again by thinking negatively. Well, at least I am able to recognise what I am doing and am capable of changing my frame of mind. I am off food shopping in a mo, oh the highlights of my days LOL. All my battling with the authorities has slightly paid off and I am now getting £10 rent per week more and £20 incapacity benefit per fortnight more. That is £60 per month which will make a huge difference. I can afford a regular supply of the much needed soyamilk now ;)

Pete in an absolute foul mood again. Says he has got a cold - AGAIN! I am sure he suffers from this Leisure Syndrome, as he is always always ill as per Friday. If I was suspicious and evil minded, which I am not of course (haha), I would say he's just trying to wiggle out of household chores. But as he isn't even going for rides on his much loved bike or visiting his mum, I do think it's genuine. But naturally he refuses to combat it, so I do think he does enjoy it to a certain extent ....

Is it back?

I thought I'd never say this, but I am slowly getting the feeling that the dreaded virus might be back :( I am just getting too exhausted too fast, I need the daytime naps again, I am listless, my skin around the fingers is going berserk and my liver hurts at the slightest bit of emotional stress. I will have my 6 month post-tx PCR on 26th February and after that there is the usual 3-4 weeks wait for results. So I am not going to know anytime soon. On the other hand it could really just be depression, the classical signs are there, and maybe I get hit later than others after stopping antidepressants. It's been 7 weeks. But whatever it is, it is not a nice place to be in. As my enthusiasm for life goes down, my commitment for Werner's PR stuff and the crochet is going down with it. I rather go back to bed than do anything! Every day I try and convince myself that I should be doing this and that, even write lists of "things to do today", but the longer the list is the more likely it is that I do nothing whatsoever. I have become full of self-doubt again, all the old questions of "Am I good enough?" "Am I worthy?" "I am just a dumbass nothing ..." etc. are constantly floating through my mind. I try and stay positive, do the daily spiritual affirmations, but somehow it all gets lost in the course of the 24 hrs. I don't feel depressed as such, after all, this is familiar territory, I have always been like this (or as long as I can remember). I am not thinking of suicide, just wishing things could be easier. It was so great after tx when I suddenly got energy and enjoyed the things I was doing. Where has it all gone????

What am I doing wrong?

After writing to my daughter recently, that I loved her and the kids, that I am thinking of them and sending them loving thoughts every day, I had an email back last night. Up to now I didn't translate and post any, but this one I just have to. I really don't know what to do, should I answer it or not, if yes, what can I even write to all of this? At first impulse last night I just wrote back that I have to respect her decision, that I always will love her and that she is always welcome to get in touch if she needs, wants or feels like it.

Well, here it is ... I stand accused:


Hello,

I have been thinking over the past few days and some stuff became clear to me.

The fist thing that became clear to me is that I have been expecting too much from you. I did expect that you will be the mother, who I have been missing and searching for all those years, but it also became clear that you never will be that nor will be able to be that. For that we are lacking too many experiences, too many similarities, too many memories, simply everything that makes a mother-daughter relationship and keeps it together. I am sorry if I expected too much, but you know I have searched and wanted for all those years. As the contact between us grew closer I clutched at something as so often and hoped in vain. In reality this should have been clear to me much earlier, for example when I was angry, because you couldn’t keep or didn’t want to keep a promised telephone call, because you suddenly had a headache and/or … (invariably expandable). Most of the time I knew that those were just excuses which was the reason that I was angry with you. But I never imagined that I am smothering you with my search for motherly closeness.

Furthermore I wanted to tell you: You have accused me that I still make you suffer for your mistakes from years ago, that I keep bringing it up. Yes, you’re right there. Just like I bring it up over and over again with my father. Are you even aware what you have done to MY life? I didn’t have, like you, a bearable upbringing, at least for the first few years. I always grew up amongst arguments, intrigues and without love, because I never was wanted or tolerated anywhere. Right from the beginning I was pushed around.

Have you ever thought about why I constantly confront you with it and why I can’t get closure for it despite all the therapies? Exactly, because it is MY DAMNED LIFE, which YOU have made!!! Not me, YOU!!! The only thing I have done, learned and tried through my therapies is to rid myself of the inner cold, which I have been taught through you, and to come to terms with my hate for myself and my rage for my damned life. You know I can’t even remember one happy day from my childhood, not a nice holiday or anything. I was always the one everybody pointed at and talked about. Even my own family. I have always been treated like a leper, in kindergarten, or school or anywhere. I can’t remember how often I heard that kids are not allowed to play with me. Why I don’t need to tell you, do I? Do you think that was great? … and then you expect me to NOT reproach you with it? How do you envisage that?

You still blame you mother for her mistakes, because you can’t forget it. Don’t say no, because that would be a lie.

You know, maybe one can forgive and search for a way forward to get along with eachother, but no way can something as monumental as this, something that has consumed one since one was little be forgotten. And if then things go wrong it is natural that it opens old wounds; that you know yourself very well. So, please don’t expect that I will pretend that I have forgotten what you have done, even though it is a long time ago but time hasn’t relativized it or put it any more into perspective. No way!

You know I often think that if I didn’t have my husband and my 2 wonderful kids, then I would still be there, where I was then – namely that I would wish every day that I wasn’t born. This was really my wish for 23 years.

So, I think to chew over everything from previous emails won’t bring any more results. That’s why I finish here. I don’t expect and answer, but if you send one then please no justification. This was my side of the coin so you can see how it looks like and maybe you start to understand me. But it will be like always I expect … you will wallow in the role of a victim. Do that, you do that so well. Because they are our problems and have got nothing to do with you!

One thing before I go: at the moment I can’t and I won’t keep any contact with you. There are more important things in my life than being hurt again and again. I want to be there for my daughter and of course the rest of my little family, because they need me most. If you still want it, I will be in touch at some point in time.

I have tried to stick as close to the words she actually used as possible. That's why it may sound odd in places. But I am sure you all get the gist of it. So, I ask you, what now????

Not very motivated ....

I could do with some. Got up around 6am today, after a disrupted night again, and was back in bed by 9.30. Woke up half an hour ago and forced myself out from underneath the duvet, where it was just so cozy. I really need to walk into Bedminster to get a cartridge for my printer. Loads of patterns to print out! Also desperate for rabbit food and some salad for tonight. So I guess I have to get my woozy head round it. I am now absolutely certain that feeling like this is related to the painkiller plasters. I did succumb on Friday to the need of sticking one on. Just couldnt bear the pains anymore. Saturday daytime was ok still, but then I already started feeling excessively tired. The droopy eyelid syndrome again. By yesterday afternoon I could hardly keep my eyes open and took the plaster off. So this must still be the aftermath of the synthetic morphine in my body. It just isnt a solution! I rather take my normal painkillers with codeine. So ok, they only give short term relief from the pain, but at least they leave me some energy to deal with the day-to-day running of my life. I hate feeling like a piece of lead, hardly able to move about. I have tried Humble's suggestion of rubbing the pain points. In fact I sat in the bath running my fingers over all of my body finding them. There are sooooo many. But the rubbing does help a little, so I am doing it - one point at the time. I will look up later on one of the accupressure sites, if there are points also to stimulate energy flow. I've got so much to do and I'm not doing it. Not good. Not good at all.

Lazy Sunday

A typical lazy day is being had by all. No stress, no must-do's, no worries, not much movement. As it is very hard to walk outside, Isis and I have been quite immobile too. She doesn't like it much, nor do I. Anyway, the snow as such is gone, just frozen brown slush left ... yuck! I will go out with her in a minute again though to wake up after my 40 winks (ok ok it was an hour), as I was up half the night due to silly dreams about ants and cockroaches, and then make pizza. Tonight is TV night ... first Larkrise to Candleford and later on Being Human. More lazy hazy time :) Crocheting seashells at the moment and havent quite got the hang of it. Somewhere there is a blip in the pattern, just not sure where yet. My aim was to make at least 5 large ones today, but I don't think that's going to happen now. Never mind. If I get one that looks perfect I shall be quite happy.

Yesterday was quite a stupid day. I did plan to go shopping early in the morning to avoid the crowds. Then I realised that the buses round here weren't running. I kept waiting and hoping that they might start up. At about 1.30pm I decided to take Isis and a rucksack and walk down to the shops. As we were about to leave the house, I saw the first bus. I chucked the rucksack back into the front room and just went for a walk with Isis, deciding that I would take the bus after. That way I would be able to take my granny shopping trolley. I can't carry anything more than a pint of milk in my hands safely these days and even a rucksack with a few things causes major problems with my back and shoulders, knees and hips. When I got back with the dog, no more buses had gone up and down the hill. So I waited some more until I finally saw another one. Zoomed across the street and off I went. Presuming that the supermarket will be empty, I was quite looking forward to the excursion. But have and behold, ASDA was absolutely heaving, people making hamster buys, obviously either ran out of supplies over the few days of snow or just getting more in in case the weather turns again. There were queues from the tills up all aisles. Dreadful! I got back and was completely shattered. Pete was then volunteered by me to cook ... which he did without any argument :) Maybe it was the amount of people whizzing around that made me dream of the creepy crawlies. That wouldnt surprise me!

Had a funny little dream too. As this is the second cake in as many weeks I have made and Pete hasn't participated in, I told him yesterday that it was the last one I make. In my dream I did the same, and then found out, that he had eaten all the topping out of spite. When I woke up and remembered, it made me giggle and go to the kitchen to check LOL.

Right, that's all from my boring little corner of the world. Hope you all had a more exciting/wonderful/happy/fulfilling Sunday.

Freak Weather

It's just mad! After it thawed heavily all afternoon and early evening yesterday and there was hardly any snow left, I woke up to this (pic) this morning. Ankle deep in snow I was when going for the morning walk. It seems to be relentless as it is still snowing here. Big fat flakes. Watched the news earlier and it said dry and sunny in the afternoon in the Southwest. Errrrrm excuse me, metereology office, but I think you might have got that just a tad wrong. Here I was a week ago preparing myself for spring and now this. Ok, I loooooove the snow and I really enjoy going out at the moment and really it is the RIGHT weather for the beginning of February, but it's still freaky. I have only seen once 3 days like this since coming to England in 1985. I am lucky I dont have to go anywhere or do anything, I can just sit here and enjoy the falling snowflakes out of my window. Poor people who are trying to get up the hill outside the house in a car though. Watched the bus this morning negotiating stopping at the bus stop. It managed eventually - half way down the hill! Since then I havent seen a bus.

Poor P. had to go to work in the 'nearest' office again. Told him to phone in and say that he had slipped when walking the dog or something and take the day off. But no, he insisted on going. I think he likes to suffer! Must be the reason he is living with me *chrr chrr*

Worried about my friend Kittie at the moment. Thought as I didnt hear anything, that would be good and everything working out and stuff, but that doesnt seem to be the case. Drinking is not the answer ... I dont believe I am saying this! That just shows how much I have changed LOL. I reckon it's time for some serious arse kicking and another trip to London. Mind you, sorta stuck here at the moment. And she bloody well knows that *glare*

10 cm of brand new snow :-)

... and this pic is proof of it. That's what it looked like this morning around 7am when I went with the dog. I enjoyed every step in almost virginal snow! However, I thought I would be totally alone up there at this time in the morning, presuming that people didnt fancy getting out that early in that weather. Well, as they say: Presumption is the Mother of all Fuck Ups ... it was almost heaving there with dogs and owners and such. So, wenn I sneakily tried to tie my yarn bombing stuff on the fence, I wasnt only watched by one pair of eyes, but about 6 - and that's not including dogs eyes. Plus it wasnt just the usual people, but even the guys from the BBC I vaguely know (technician + researcher couple with their Shar Pei Suki) were there. As the guy looked at me questioningly I explained briefly what I was doing. Hmmm, maybe he found it interesting enough to mention it at the TV station when they finally can get into work. I am really hoping that the poop/scoop is staying up for a while. I want as many people as possible to see it. Hahaha just massaging my ego here :-)

Finally managed to get the stuff of to the museum too. It's not particularly good, I think, but it will get the points across and hopefully get me the exhibition. Should have asked one of my media friends to help me texting (nudge nudge wink wink you know who you are).

Off for another snowy excursing in a bit. Somehow I cant wait to get out of the house. Housemate P wasnt very pleased this morning. He couldnt get into work as that is quite a few miles away and even a Harley isnt THAT good in snow. So he phoned in at about 8.30am telling them about buses and the impossibility of getting to work. And guess what? They said he had to go and report to the local job centre for work (he works at the DWP). I wont repeat his comments here, but the F-word featured strongly in it.

Shhhhhhhhh ...

My yarn bombing project is ready ... but it's not the one above. It is going up tonight when I last walk the dog. That way it might stay up at least 12 hours. Got the feeling though it won't last much more. It's a drab rundown area here, with loads of destructive, unappreciative people. But we'll see, maybe I am being too negative. Anyway, will post pics later. Guess I will have to do it at the last light of day as to get some photographs. Hehe, it's going to be fun, just like sneaking around doing graffiti or fly posting :-) I wonder if I can get arrested for yarn bombing too??

Woke up with a massive headache today as if I had drunk a bottle of cheap plonk last night. But I haven't touched a drop since Sunday late afternoon. So maybe it's because of the way I slept. It wasn't a very comfortable night as Isis had decided she wanted to play baby and sleep in my arms all night *eye roll*. But how can I refuse? The things we do for out loved ones ... even though they are JUST animals.

Just got another order for a flyer from my friend Werner. He want something to lay out in biker shops to attract some clientele. Now I've got to get my head round that. Never done anything for bikers, apart for a couple of all night parties, but that was unprofessional stuff. I refuse however to do the usual naked beauty on bike calendar type thing. But what else might be attractive to them? Thinking cap on ....

The sun has got its hat on ...

... hurray hurray hurray. And it looks like something above ... well not quite as untouched and virginal. But I love it still.

Not much to say today, been busy with 'work' emails, making bread and starting my first yarn bomb project. It's going to have local community content but shhhhhh for now. Once it's up I will post pictures. Won't be long :-) So, I shall go out in the aforementioned sunny snowfields now and decide how to plan out the rest of the day. My vision is apalling today, so won't be much I reckon. Missing my little Hepkitty to come for a walk with me :(

Snowed under and looking like abominable snow creatures

After I neglected Isis the dog somewhat over the weekend, I thought I take her for a long walk today. When we left the house around midday it was snowing very slightly. The odd flake here and there. By the time we got to the bank we were in the middle of a blizzard. Traffic around us was at a standstill (and I had to chuckle to myself hehe) and we got very strange looks as we really did appear to come straight from the Himalayas ;) Isis didn't appreciate it much being out in this weather for about 2 hours, but I did. So tough titties!!!

I am also snowed under with things to do, but havent been able to get my head round it. Somehow suffering from having had a couple of bottles of wine over the weekend. Not my fault, mind you, I was led astray hahaha. Not that I put up much resistance LOL And I did enjoy every drop of it as it was in exquisite company even though the music offerings turned out to be utter tripe. Quite amusing really and very shameful!

I've just come out of a long overdue bath and need to go out again. Tobacco shortage! Well, as I have put myself down with the NHS Together programme to stop smoking on 15th February, that might soon be something of the past. I really do want to stop, if I will manage is another question. 38 years of smoking certainly have left a mark, albeit not a positive one.

sniff sniff ...

she's gone :(