Kids

Whilst I was sitting up at 5.30am in total quiet with my crochet hook and some wool, I was thinking about my daughter and what she has recently said about her kids and how she treats/educates them. Well more so the older one, the baby doesnt really come into it ... yet. I suddenly realised that children will never be the billboard of parental success. Parents can bring them up whichever way they like, but the little people still develop their own personalities and traits regardless. Being strict and regimented, like my daughter is with her 5 year old, will not guarantee that he wont be a teenage drop out, although she thinks that. On the other hand, a kid brought up in a disfunctional family doesnt necessarily go off the rails when older. So, listen up dear daughter, why dont you just stop all this fartassing around with different types of education and start giving the kids love and some values and leave the rest to natural development. In 10 years down the line it wont matter that you insisted that the kid has healthy molasses for breakfast instead of Nutella or that he goes to sleep at 7pm instead of 9pm. I think a lot of hassle and aggro could be saved on both sides, if we would react more loving and natural towards the wishes and expectations of our little ones. All that will stay with them until their dying days is the unconditional love we showed them from the moment they were born. I think that's what I was trying to do when I visited this time, unfortunately I was completely misunderstood and accused of corruption their upbringing. Shame!

My dear dear friend will be here in less than 12 hours and I have so much to do. But quite the opposite to the last few days, I am busting with energy, so it should be a doddle. Baked my first ever vegan cake yesterday and it has turned out to be quite a disaster LOL. It is supposed to be a pineapple upside down cake and catastrophe struck already when shopping. I was looking for pineapple RINGS. I saw tins and tins labelled pineapple chunks and when I saw another row with pineapple PIECES I just assumed that they were rings. Far from it ... just another tin of chunks! As I was half way through the cake already when I noticed, I used them anyway, which probably would have been ok if I had used the right amount. The recipe stated that it was for a very big cake, so I halved the ingredients. Only not for the pineapple. I used the whole tin. So now I have a cake which has a 1" layer of pineapple and a 1.5" layer of cake. Doh!!! It looks more like a pie than a cake. But I am sure it will taste ok and enjoyment will be had :-)

Upwards and onwards ... otherwise I wont get anything done today. Still have to bake bread and get the room ready, plus have a bath *sniff sniff* and do my bonnet. edit: It's 18:50 h now and I havent done the last two items ... never mind. Better get ready, eat and out of the door. Was shaking with anticipation earlier ... daft cow LOL

Something weird is going on ....

When I get up in the mornings (and today it was 6.10am, which is late for me) I feel fine. Lots of energy and once the painkillers have kicked in I can even move reasonably well. Then I do my usual routine and about 2 hours later my eyes get heavier and heavier and all I want to do is sleep. Now I cant be tired, can I? I reckon it has something to do with the fact, that when I sit down in the mornings with my coffee and my crochet, I start thinking about the planes and chores I have for the day. This must exhaust me so much or overstretch me so much, that all I want to do is go back to bed and shut the world out. I think my tiredness is psychological and I am trying to think of ways to beat it. Now I know there are things I absolutely HAVE to do, like my tax return for which I have only got 2 days left *arrrrgh* and the write-ups and biography for the exhibitions. I just cant bring myself to do it. My body shuts down! How do I battle this inner pig? Even if I settle down with the work at hand, my eyelids just become so so heavy and I cant concentrate. I drink coffee, but it doesnt wake me up. I concede to having a lie-down, I get up refreshed, but the moment I think of the chores, the same thing happens again. I just want to go to bed. This is so weird and very unlike me. Ok, nobody likes to do those tasks, but usually I have coped with it by at least doing something else. But I cant even do that, cant even enjoy a computer game or handicraft or TV. This might also have something to do with stopping the Citaloprams. I have got a doctors appointment next Wednesday so I will mention it. Still not heard from the various counselling agencies I have rung. But their waiting lists are as long as my arm, so I gather that might take a while anyway. It's been good writing all this down, I dont feel quite as much like I am going mad. But I am still seriously worried ....

I will force myself to go shopping now. At least ONE thing will be done then ....

Wide eyed and legless ...

That's how I feel today. It really was NOT a good night. Up at 2 am for the first time, totally dehydrated. So down to the loo and half a bottle of water. Back to sleep about 2.45am. Wide awake at 3.50am. Downstairs for coffee and some crochet. Back to bed at 5.30am, only to get up again at 6.45am. More coffee, more crochet. Walk with the dog at 8am. So now I am ready for bed again, which I wont deprive myself of. Wondering if this is due to stopping the anti-d's about a month ago. Finally the serotonin inhibitors will have left my body, i am sure, so this might be the reason for the short bouts of sleep. And I always used to be such a good sleeper. All I can do is hope that it comes back and that I find a 'normal' sleep pattern again. Until then ....

zzzZZZzzzzzzZZZZZZzzZZZZZz

Sorted!

That was the content of the last text message I received last night. And it made me incredibly happy and excited and longing and I could hardly refrain from jumping up and down. Because this of course means that my friend hepkittie is coming on Friday. We will have 2 whole days in each others company, which I know won't be enough, but it'll be something. We both have been through quite a lot recently, so some girlie-time together is going to give both of us some strength to carry on. There is something very special about letting a friend into your habitat for the first time, so I will do some cleaning and such, but I won't go over the top. Don't want to spend the entire weekend aching like fuck, just because I've overdone it. That just wouldn't do! Told Pete about my expected visitor and he just scrunched up his face. Oh well, the thing he usually does is disappear into his room and just come out at meal times. Anyway, I do think they might just get on. Pete is just displaying his usual insecurity and self-consciousness. It'll pass!

I had a reply from the National Museum Liverpool about my Amigurumi Exhibition. They are actually contemplating it!!! That is a mega step forward and if they do say yes after the consideration period, it has to go through some committee or something, then that might mean other museums/galleries will follow suit. A friend in Germany is also looking into finding some more venues for me, so I have already started to put my feelers out for a 'global stretch' hahaha. I have still not managed to put the adverts for the classes in. I sat over the text for quite a while, but it doesn't sound right yet. And as I said before, it has to be so brilliant for the first advert, that it really catches the attention. So I have to exercise patience until I am totally happy with the wording. Maybe discuss it with Kittie at the weekend. :-)

Still not a word from my daughter. I get the feeling that she is very capable of dealing with hate, criticism and negativity, but not with unconditional love, understanding and acceptance. Very strange!

Dreams are my reality ... or how the song goes

Oh what a night (another song title)! Couldn't fall asleep until about 1am, so I just lay there cuddling the dog and listen to her breathing. Whenever I do that, I can't help but thinking that one day I won't be able to hear that anymore. I get sad, I cry. I can't sleep. Well, at least I can cry again and that very plentyful too. When I finally did fall asleep I very promptly had a strange dream about the dog. 'I had gone to some big punk festival, not just stages there, but also tents and booths where you could buy stuff. Isis was off the lead, but kept close to me. Then I lost her. I ended up running around shouting her name and whistling. What seemed a long, long time, she didn't come back. When she finally did, her head was all bandaged up, even over the eyes. So I thought, that it wasn't a surprise that it took her so long to find me. I tried checking under the bandages for damage and saw some blood. I turned round to talk to somebody and when I turned back, Isis had removed all the tape around her face. She was crouching under a side table. Her injuries weren't bad, just some slash under her left eye. The person I had talked to had told me that the dog unfortunately got between 2 guys fighting and got booted. I thought that that was lucky and that she would be fine. I bent down to her to comfort her and I suddenly realised that Isis was actually talking to me. Something about that I never listened to her properly and that this was the reason she had run off. We had some sort of conversation about it and everything was ok from then. We walked out of the dream together.' The question is: What does it all mean? Who is the blind one here (bandages over eyes)? What am I not listening to? Who was fighting and why (daughter and me probably?)? I jolted awake at 3.30am with those images still vivid in my mind. Actually, they still are now. I had to go downstairs and have a cigarette, also I made sure that the dog was ok. Silly me! Went back to bed at 4am and grabbed another couple of hours sleep. But now I feel shattered and I am battling the urge to just slip back into bed. Generally speaking I could do that, I haven't got much planned today, but I would feel guilty about that. Wouldn't that mean sliding into the typical day routine of a hopelessly unemployed person? I feel at fault enough about that, I don't need to enhance it with the actions to prove it. On the other hand, bed really does look inviting ...

Nothing from Jessica yet. I guess she doesn't want to be loved and thought about at the moment. I have to leave it up to her to approach me again I reckon.

I have been a busy bee this morning

I got up at 5.30am, which is good for me. I have actually slept through the last couple of days, from about midnight until that time. I felt so much better for it. Anyway, I made coffee, crocheted a couple of mushrooms (they're so cute), went for a walk with the dog at 7.30am. Swept and mopped the kitchen floor when I got back and sat down at the computer at 8.20am. Did some work for Werner's programme (this is his joint http://www.werner-kneipe.de/) and emailed him the result. Couldn't do anymore without his ok. So I am currently waiting for that. Then I emailed my daughter just to say that I am thinking of her and her family and that I don't really know what to do at the moment. Do I write, which might be wrong, or do I keep quiet, which might be seen as sulking. Well, I am sure the reply will reveal an answer.

As I had put together a little catalogue of my Amigurumi creatures for the 2 small exhibitions I have coming up in Germany at the end of the year, I thought I'll be very bold and email some Arts & Crafts Centres in the UK too. Having done that, I feel a bit stupid now, sort of a bit too big for my boots. I wonder if any of them will get back to me. That would be a hoot :-) Will do the adverts for the classes tomorrow. As the UK is now officially in recession, I don't think that the job centre will hassle me for a while. I am MOST unemployable with all my ailments. So I might as well take the opportunity and get this small business stuff off the ground. I also thought, if I want to do some Xmas fairs this year, I better start crocheting santas, reindeers and holy kings now. I just somehow cant bring myself to do it LOL.

Hey, I am having a really good day. Must be because I am so happy that my lovely sister Kittie is coming on the weekend. I love it when I am excited ....

I give up

Had another one of those emails. Seriously, why did I bother answering her long one. All I got back is that I shouldnt have bothered as I wont listen to her and admit that she is right. Right with what, I ask? With all the accusations she made, agreeing that she is right to be abusive. How many more times do I have to admit that I made some bad choices in my life and that I regret them, in fact still pay for them ... at least with my pain and guilty conscience. The problem is, if I dont answer her email, then I will be accused of sulking, if I do answer it, then I stand accused of arguing. I just give up ....

Toenails

It must be one of the signs that treatment is well and truly over when your toenails are growing back. As I mentioned here on the blog somewhere, I had lost 2 1/2 of them completely during my rendezvous with Ribavirin and Interferon. Now I am plus 1 1/2 again, which makes me only 17.5 % short of toenails. Yippie!!! Also my hair is growing like wildfire. And so, so thick! Double yippie! It is the little things I am grateful for.

I finally sent off an answer to my daughter's lengthy email today. It took me a long time I know, but I didnt want to write directly under the affect of the fresh words. So I left it until I had a certain distance from it. As I slept from midnight until 4.30am without interruption, I took that as a sign that the issues werent distressing me all that much anymore. Still, it was an emotional tirade of words, but hopefully without too many motherly tinged accusations and humanly tinged defences. Now I will have to wait if she writes back. I know that there will be one day when everything comes back together again, so I just have to be patient.

I also realised yesterday, that having a dog just means we are grown up enough to replace the childhood concept of an invisible friend. I always talk to Isis when I am out and about with her, if I did that without her there I'd most likely be in the looney bin by now haha. Little does Big Brother know that I am still mad.

Since I have bought myself that useful kitchen utensil on Wednesday I have been busy baking. Already made 2 loaves of bread, which are yummy (one granary, one sunflower) and I cooked some stew to go with it. I just love buttered fresh bread and stew. Dont tell anybody, but I am a country bumpkin at heart. Once I have been with Isis for the afternoon walk, which is any minute now, I will bake a coconut cake. After all, it IS weekend, but I dont really need an excuse for baking my cake and eating it :) I had lost 2kg in weight whilst being in Germany ... dont worry, I put it back on after being back home for a week although I move a lot more here and eat less. Very strange ....

My dear friend Kittie is looking into coming up for the last weekend of January. I really hope so and go mad with anticipation of seeing her again. I have missed her so much and wished every day that we lived closer, so I could pop over for a coffee or a glass of wine. I find it funny that 10 years ago I nearly had no female friends, now all of a sudden I have nearly ONLY female friends. How times change. Seems the older we get the less competitive we get and the more likely we get on with eachother (women that is). Have we finally really grown up and the bitch years are over???

Talking about female friends. T has chucked her treatment and seems to be completely going off the rails. I cant reach her, she wont talk/write to me. I wonder why LOL ... because I would have to say a thing or 2 to her. Never mind, she probably needs blowing a gasket now and will soon be ready for the mending shop. She'll get through it, I know, she is a strong person!

I have been a busy bee since getting back, doing a lot of long overdue paperwork and crocheting like mad. Still havent placed the adverts though, its on my agenda for Monday. By then I should be finished with the more pressing stuff.

Ok, off out now ... shalom & namasté

Sleep just doesn't come easy these days

Urrrgh, and I feel bloody rotten for it. Banging headache, dizziness, shivers and hot flushes ... and no, it's not a cold or the flu. Went to bed just after midnight and managed to fall asleep around 1am. Woke up at 3am, went to the loo, back to bed and jolted into consciousness at 5am. Not an ounce of tiredness left at that point. Got up and crocheted a hippo, went for a walk with the dog, read through daughters' lengthy email again and now I am battling with heavy eyelids and the aforementioned symptoms. And I had planned to get the free bus to Tesco's at 10.50am to finally spend the £20 gift voucher from my dear friend on a food processor. Somehow I don't think this will happen today. I know it isn't a case of complete and utter urgency, but I hate it when I am too delapidated to do the things I really want to and plan to do. I also need to start advertising my crochet classes for March a bit more, otherwise I will have a nice hired room, but no class. With everything bouncing around in my head though, I don't feel very creative with words and I reckon there is nothing worse than a badly worded and half-heartedly placed advert. So I am going to postpone this until the weekend hoping by then I will have got back a halfway organised structure of thoughts.

Should I go back to bed now or am I just going to jeopardise my night sleep with it? Oh, decisions, decisions ....

... I can't let go ....

As I cant think of anything else than my torn apart family at the moment, I thought I might as well post the whole story - what happened from my point of view (which strangely doesn't coincide with their point of view):

the first argument i had with the kids was after 3 days. jessi had send me out to get some food. she said that they would like one of those ready made fish meals each. as i dont like them at all, i got myself something different, veggie noodles in a pack, so they could all be shoved in the oven together. i was supposed to take care of the food that night. come 5.30pm i suddenly sensed a very tense atmosphere as my daughter was running around turning the oven on and generally banging stuff in the kitchen. i went to ask what was wrong and she started screaming at me, that food was late as they HAVE to eat at 6pm. also that i was a thoughtless bitch by buying myself something different to eat and that i couldnt do that because of kylian, who would not eat his food if somebody else was not eating the same. she also then commented that i have been so difficult the past few days, why i dont know, that i dont spend anytime with my grandson (although i had read him stories, went for a walk with him and his dad, sat with him with some colouring in) and that i should just phone my friend werner to pick me up. i went downstairs into the cellar 'flat' (my room for the time being, no tv, no heating, no radio, no nothing) and seriously contemplated leaving. then i told myself, that i was always running away from arguments and that i mustn't in this case. i went back upstairs after half an hour and talked to jessi. she just carried on with accusations always turning to her husband for confirmation. so i just apologised and promised it wouldnt happen again. silly me!!! after another couple of days we had another fall out about the fact that i wanted to go for a walk with her grannies dog. i managed to calm that one down again with promising, that i wouldnt prefer the dog's company to theirs. double silly me!!! i didnt really have any company as both of them spent as many as 12 hours per day on the computer. yes, i was as petty as timing it! i really really kept my head down after that, just waiting for her to give birth, because i so wanted to be there. relations were more than strained though, particularly because she kept telling me that i stink coz of the smoking and accusing me of being an alcoholic, coz i had a glass of wine every couple of days. when labour was finally induced on 9th january, i was more than happy, hoping i would get my daughter back the way she used to be before the pregnancy. on 10th jan in the afternoon i took grannie and kylian to the hospital. it was lovely to see my granddaughter and hold her, i was so happy i cried. as the kids told me then that they were BOTH going to stay in hospital until monday evening, i suggested that i extend my holidays for a couple of days because i wanted to see werner at the end of it for 2/3 days. so, all i was saying was that i was going to stay at their place and look after kylian until they get back. my daughter agreed to that. i could sense though that she wasnt appreciating it, but i just put it down to tiredness from the 15 hrs labour. when grannie, kylian and i got back to their place (grannie lives upstairs) i got a phone call from my son-in-law saying that i COULD stay until monday, but that i would have to be out of their flat by the time they got back because they wanted to 'get back to normal'. he said he wanted me to fly back monday morning. i did ask him how he thought i would get to the trainstation at 4am and he answered that he couldnt care less. i was somewhat flabbergasted when i put the phone down, then thought about the conversation and got downright angry. how dare they throw me out after all the cooking, cleaning, ironing etc. i had done for them in the past 12 days. as planned, about an hour later werner came round (he lives about an hour drive away and thought he'd pop in for a bit of company that evening). i had by then vented my anger to grannie and when i saw werner i told him the whole story too. he suggested i come with him and he'd drive me to the airport on monday morning. well, u know my money situation, i really couldnt refuse. sven, my son-in-law, phoned again and said that he wasnt throwing me out, just that he wanted me not to be there on monday. i beg ur pardon, but that for me is throwing somebody out, or not? anyway, i left with werner and left kylian with his great-grannie. i was so angry and i thought, that sven really didnt need to stay in hospital with jessi for 3 days. was that so bad???

as u know, i missed my plane, but werner bought me a new ticket. it was good that i staid an extra couple of days with him as he has now 'employed' me as his personal PR person. i am doing flyers for him, a 6-month programme and all the bookings of bands he needs. AND he will even pay me for it!

since i got back home i had nothing but nasty emails from my son-in-law. i havent translated them (yet), but he is basically saying that i am an alcoholic low-life, who doesnt care about her family, whose animals are more important than her own daughter and grandchildren, that i outstayed my welcome by being there for 2 weeks (although it was jessi who begged me to come for such length of time), and that i am a cheapskate, because i didnt bring 'proper' xmas presents. i must admit, i did answer the first few emails, trying to defend myself, but he kept getting nastier and nastier. so i stopped writing. the last mail i had from him was just to say that i would never see my grandchildren and daughter again, that he would make sure of that, and that i would have to expect a letter from my daughter in which she will confirm all that and telling me herself what she thought about her low-life mother.

Eventually I didnt answer S.'s mails anymore. Very promptly I got some text messages from my daughter with a similar content to her hubby's communications. I then wrote the letter in the previous blog post. Since that I had an email from my daughter, which printed out, was 7 pages long. I haven't even completely read it yet, as the first couple of page made me cry with hurt and scream with anger. So I am going through it bit by bit and find rational, sensible words in which I can answer it. This is just such a mess and all-consuming at the moment, my spirituality is slowly going out the window and it's a struggle to be positive and strong. I feel I am losing all the traits I have fought so hard to gain over the past few months. Maybe I was just too sure all was going well and needed bringing down a peg or two??

Will try and have some shut-eye now. Dont manage more than 2 hours at a time, then I jolt up and all these grinding emotions are back :(

P.S. Tried to edit this post, so it doesnt come up as a link, but not joy! It's being stubborn ... sorry.

The time I realised my daughter had turned into my mother ....

... and bitterness rules her and her husbands life? After a few very nastily worded mails from my son-in-law and me hitting back equally bad, I wrote my daughter the following email today:

Dear J.,

It is about time that I write to you personally and finish communicating with S. In the last few days I have suffered from his words, I was unable to sleep and couldnt think of anything else. During my morning meditation today I suddenly realised, that this whole situation has hardly anything to do with me. I did read all his mails again and noticed that most of the points he has raised are things with which he or you can't cope yourselves. Ok, so some stuff was purely written to put a dagger between my ribs, but I won't and I can't hold that against him. I am old enough and strong enough to take it. But what really worries me is why you both are so incredibly bitter and negative from the core. I did particularly notice that in your flat which reeks with negative energy. I am also sad about the fact that you (or both of you) won't accept any help to see the world in a brighter, more pleasant light. Essentially I can see the goodness and love in both of you and I can't undstand why you both closed up so much over the past few years. I would love to get to the root of it, it would be a starting point. At the moment I can only observe that you see merely the bad in each person which causes you to react with intolerance and aggression.This hurts, particularly because it is happening to 2 people who are so near and dear to me. Why so grim? Why did you create such tight boundaries, which only allow your own limitations? Why so narrow-minded with everything and everybody? Where does all the fear come from? Wouldn't you world be a nicer place, if you did accept that there are different concepts for living in it besides your own? These other concepts can be enriching, there is no need to be afraid of them. But to accept them one has to open up and WANT to acknowledge them.

Unfortunately I let myself go and answered S. in a similar tone to his. For that I am sorry. The meaning of 'What goes around comes around' (i.e. I just echoed his attitude) suddenly became crystal clear today. But that was my challenge and I learned from it. Hopefully it will never happen again. I promise to try and treat S. with more respect in the future.

Your husband informed me that I can expect a mail from you in the near future to confirm his thoughts and opnions about me. That's ok, I still would like to hear from you. Should you want to tell me that you don't want to further engage with me (sorry if I am maybe jumping to the wrong conclusion), then I would like you to consider the fact that it is YOUR decision and not mine. Du you really want to burn all bridges? I can see clearly what is happening here, but I do not want to influence you. After all, you're a grown-up and you have to choose your own path in life. I can't force anybody to be happy.


I hope my words weren't too harsh, I wonder what her/their response will be ... if any. Originally I meant to translate all the mails I received over the past few days, but then I thought that it just means repeating all the nastiness and negativity, which in due course would only attract more of the same. For the time being I will keep a copy of those words, but I hope to be able to bury them somewhere in the ground soon, so they will have served their purpose.

Namasté

My oh my ....

... where do I start. Finally got back from Germany 2 days ago. First of all, I would like to state that I must under all circumstances in the future trust my instincts. I was worried about this visit and it has turned out that going there was one of the worst decisions I have made in a long time!!! It has all ended in disaster and looks as if the relationship with the kids might be forever lost. I just knew when I went that something will happen, just didnt realise it might be as disasterous as it has turned out. Havent got the time or energy today to write it all down, as I need to do some translations first, so it ends up making sense. Anyway, I am so glad to be back home and I can appreciate my own 4 walls and everything that's in them so much more.

I think the only positive thing I brought back from this journey were the last couple of days I spent at Werner's place and the plans we made for his restaurant/club. I am officially now his very own PR and advertising agency LOL. His place has got so much potential, it just needs some organising. So we are planning events for it and putting them together in a programme, which is my job. First off though I am making a flyer for him for Beltane Night on 30th April. I suggested a Goth night, as he has got the most brilliant old cellar bar. No doubt I will let you see soon what I have come up with.

For now, nighty night, still upset about an email earlier, so adrenaline went skyhigh and now I am dog tired.

Oh, yes it is ....

So, it remains to be seen what it will bring. Despite illness, treatment and plenty of ups and downs, 2008 wasn't too bad. However, I've been looking forward to this year now as I somehow know, this is going to be THE ONE!!! The one where everything will balance itself out, where success and self-appreciation will be part of my daily diet, where pressures and journeys into old, self-destructive realms are finally going to be a thing of the past. I have learned so much in the last few months and now i will have time to apply this knowledge and wisdom. I haven't got many wishes for 2009, just that I don't waver from the path I have started and that the rippling of the stone I have thrown into the pool of love will continue to ripple and spread out.

I hope you all are happy and content, loving others and yourselves.

Namaste ...