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How does that song go? I think they might be trouble ahead .... Werner is arriving tomorrow and Mr P at home is asking very strange questions. Would I want to have a proper (whatever that entails ... probably means SEX) relationship with him at some stage? He also said, he doesnt want Werner her, if it means Werner is going to lust after me all week *shock*. Errrm ... excuse me ...but this is my home too and I can invite friends too. If Pete had any friends, who wanted to visit, I would sure make them welcome (or get out of their way if I didnt like them). Anyway, I told him that I wasnt interested in ANY relationship at the moment, also that I feel myself changing a lot and that I will have to see what I am like after treatment and detox, to reassess what is going on. I also said to him, to give a) Werner a chance, after all we are old friends and b) just take a look at him, then he would understand that I am certainly not interested in Werner, even though he has loads of money and would probably treat me the way, I would like to be accustomed too. But for me, if the physical & mental attraction isnt there, money wont swing it. So there, Werner is definitely out of the picture :-) Hehe, and so is Pete!
Nevertheless, I think it will be an interesting week ;-) Oh, the benefit money has arrived! £500! Just for me (and a few debts I have to pay back)!
Happy News first! I am going to be a grandmother again. Jessi told me today. Right after she told her hubby :-) Hasnt told her dad yet though. Oh well, he will only have something nasty to say about it anyway. That's just the way he is. Always giving her the impression that she is doing everything wrong. I know the pregnancy comes at somewhat an inopportune moment as she wanted to do the training, but they have on the other hand been trying for years. So I guess it just had to be. I am hoping for a girl this time, but of course, health is the most important aspect. Now I can start knitting again!
The wedding and WHAD celebrations were something else. Most of it is undescribable, but reports and pictures can be read and seen on hepcforum.co.uk. That way, I dont have to write long explanations. I had a wonderful time, meeting everybody and finding them so honest and warm was just out of this world. There was not one person I didnt get on with or felt who didnt like me. I have made some fantastic new friends and I hope once treatment is over, I will be able to help raise awareness for Hepatitis with them. It was amazing how much fun we had without alcohol, which just shows what a misconception it is, that you have to be drunk or otherwise high to have a good time.
I have definitely overdone it though. My lips are just sore sore sore. I counted 10 pussy blisters on my lower lip and nothing I put on is easing it. I am in agony. But hey ho, it was still worth it.
The decision is made! I am moving to Devon or Cornwall once treatment is over and I have sufficiently detoxed. So the date I have in mind is early 2009. I see the present situation as a chance of re-thinking my life and my ambitions. I have nothing in Bristol which keeps me, I wanted to move rural for many years and I reckon this is my big chance. That means, I will have to save money from the benefits I will be getting. That should be fun :-)
Shot 10 done and dusted! Nothing much to report. It sort of kicked in early yesterday, but I still sat in front of the computer until Midnight well gone. A matter of 'Oh I just do this! And then just look up that!' And then another hours is gone. And then I think 'Oh, but I wanted to play this game' and another 2 hours are gone. Instead of pursuing my studying!
I have spent the last 3 1/2 days trying to get hold of the crisis loan people. Nothing! I just cannot get through. Apparently the lines are busy all the time. However, Pete says, he seems them wandering about doing sweet nothing. So, today I have written a letter of complaint. I have emailed it to the DWP/Job Centre Plus and will also email it to my local MP and The Evening Post.
This afternoon I should really go an get my ID certified at the Job Centre, but I dont feel up to it. It would mean driving, but my head is throbbing from all the other worries I have ... especially money wise! At least I managed to sort housing benefit out and should receive a payment soon(ish). I feel exhausted. I hate all this buerocracy at the best of times, but on treatment, with no help from anybody, it is just draining. Makes me feel like a half-wit, particularly when I have to phone an office and either can't explain properly what I want, or by the time I do get to talk to somebody I have completely forgotten what I want. That's why I find emails handy. At least you can sit there an ponder over the content.
Well, it's the wedding of the year tomorrow and I am determined to go. Although, at this precise moment in time, I have about 50p to my name. However, I have asked Pete to borrow £20, which I hope is going to be ok. And I will also bag up some of the small change as a back-up. Havent had to do that for years! If I think, 4 months ago I was taking home around 2 grand a month, and now I have got nothing to show for it, that is sad. It all went into equipping the house, buying food, paying bills, sorting the animals, and Pete did precious little to support the household then. This is why I dont feel very guilty for letting him do some of the shopping now and owing him my months rent.
If only I could stop smoking ... that would reduce my monthly outgoings by a lot. But now is just not the time, I think.
Well, this blog is going to rest until after the wedding I think. And then there will be lots to report :-)
... I am sure that's what the nurses think I am :-) 6 times they jabbed me - 6 times - today, still didn't manage to draw blood. I told them, pleaded with them right from the onset to take a butterfly needle and go at the back of the arm, but of course they didn't listen. They always know best! Queen Nursey!! (No offence to the really decent and hardworking nurses out there, who do a marvellous job, I am just lucky to always have the Carry-On Nurse) Anyway, they insisted to try the inside of the arm. 'Oh look, there is a really nice vein!' Me: 'No, that one is completely scarred!' Nursey: 'Oh I try it anyway! Ah maybe not! Maybe this one?' And so on and so forth! After the 6th time she wanted to try my foot. I didn't let her! Don't know why really *rolls eyes*. Then I suggested the back of the arm again and she said: 'No, I think it's enough for today, can you come back Thursday?' I made a vain attempt to explain how important that bloodcount was because of neuts and HG, but she didn't listen and only said: '9.20 Thursday then. Bye!'
Why is nothing easy with me??
Don't know where the time since Thursday evening went. I know I have spent a lot of time at the computer, playing silly games, just because lying down hurts as much and makes my thoughts wander into abysses I'd rather not see. Feels like I have adjusted to the anti/ds now and they have no effect anymore. Maybe the psyche doc will adjust the dose when I see him next.
On top of that I have started panic attacks again ... on a daily basis. Don't know what might cause it, there hasn't been any added stress apart from talk of dosage reduction. Still don't know about that though, as there wasnt enough blood last Thursday to do a full blood count. You'd think such things shouldn't happen to nurses who take blood all day. I know she was trying to milk my vein for the last couple of minutes as to not have to prick me again, so I cant really blame her. But now I have to go into hospital again tomorrow for another blood test. After last Thursday's ordeal with the full blown panic attack and having to take a taxi, that is not a nice prospect. Especially as I wont be able to take a cab tomorrow. I have 20 quid to my name, which are supposed to last until incapacity benefit finally arrives. I will definitely have to sort out a crisis loan this week. Rent hasnt been paid and food is needed too. And I am going to the wedding, so I need a bit of cash there too.
Ah, I think I just put my finger on the reason for the panic attacks. Existential problems *nod* See if they subside again, once that is dealt with.
The days are trickling by now, not feeling bad, not feeling good. Pottering around all day, not actually doing much. It's a bit of a non-situation somehow. I am seriously wondering if I should look into doing some voluntary work one day/evening a week. Maybe at CAAAD or the Bristol Drugs Project. It would get me out of the house and give me some sort of purpose. As long as I hang around here, I won't do anything. Tried to pick up the guitar today, but fingers are still to badly split to play. Keep looking at the canvasses I bought and know what I want on them, but when I went to find a big brush to put the base colour on and couldn't find one within 10 minutes, I gave it up as a bad job. In the end I sat in the garden for a while, did some weeding, sat some more, smoked more cigarettes, watered, sat some more. What a sad existence!
Went all the way to the pet shop to buy some frozen dog food, which I don't get anywhere else, only to realise that it was Wednesday afternoon and the shop was closed. DUH!!! Dragged a very reluctant Isis through the park. It was too hot for her. She is still huffing and puffing ... and this is 2 hours later! But I enjoyed it. Walking around with a skirt, a shortsleeved t-shirt and crocs is my idea of fun :-) Shame the dog doesn't think so.
Saw something funny in the park too. Lots of couples all over the place, lying in the grass. A particular one we went past, I had a closer look as they were doing some weird contortions. And as I let my eyes wander over the 2 twisted bodies, lo and behold, what do I see? A massive erect penis sticking out from a zip. I put my eyes back into my sockets and wandered on rather quick. Gave me a giggle though!
Shopping tonight, as tomorrow is shot night. Hope the weekend DOESN'T go by the pattern. That would mean, I am going to be ok. I would just like to enjoy this glorious weather a bit longer.
Shot 8 came surprisingly with very little side effects. No mowing me down into a gibberish heap of fever and sweats, no excessive fatigue, just a bit of muscle and joint ache, the stabs in the shoulder blades and a slight, but lingering headache. Nothing I can't cope with. So, if there is a pattern emerging, it seems to be, that the uneven numbered shots create havoc and the even ones are smooth. If this was really the case, I think I can live with it. Of course, having an upbeat mood still because of the PCR results might help too. Amazing what the subconscience is capable of having an effect on.
I have now been invited to the second wedding in the space of 3 weeks. My friends of over 20 years, Erika and Chris, are tying the knot on 6th June, after being together for 23 years LOL. I asked her yesterday, if she is sure that she won't have second thoughts. I mean it's been SUCH a short relationship *hrr hrr*. And in between Pixie's and Jb's wedding and that one, Werner is going to visit me for a few days ... ETA 26th May. I think I am going to be worn out! But suddenly life doesnt feel that stagnant anymore. And I have 'action' to look forward to. And outfits to plan as well as wedding gifts (hope my incapacity does arrive before all of that).
I am still waiting for the personality changing effects of the treatment. So far I haven't noticed anything. I am still nice, caring and self-denying Karina. Maybe I ought to get used to the fact, that that is who I am and get on with it. It's a bit of a bummer though, if you were hoping for the anger to surface and finally be let out, so you would be free of it. Maybe I am just too easy going o.O
I am on top of the world! I have just had my 4 weeks blood results (PCR) and it's UNDETECTABLE! Doesn't mean the virus is quite gone yet, but gives me a more than 90% chance of clearing it for good. Anybody out there doubting the reason for Hep C treatment, let me tell you: This is it! Receiving this result makes it all worth it and the rest of tx will be a doddle ... sides or not! Three weeks I have waiting for the result more or less patiently, and very nervous and doubtful. Now that it has come, I don't quite know where to put myself! I have put some music on, I've got a spring in my step and my mind is racing with plans :-) Next out in the garden for some weeding ... pretending that's the rest of the virus being ripped out.
No more to say for now ... I want a glass of pink champagne!!! Instead I am guzzling ginger beer! Oh so good ...
