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... actually, no I am not ... just some princesses :-) But I am very excited and very nervous. And I have got a blinding headache and feeling dizzy, but I know that is just psychological, the old pressures manifesting themselves in this way. Afraid not to fulfill expectations, of not being good enough, of disappointing people, etc etc. I will let go before I get there, travel is a form of meditation to me, so once I step off the coach the other end, I will be calm and collected ... she says hopefully.
Not got much money, some of which I even had to borrow, benefits are still not sorted. The last time I contacted them, I was told I have to give them 30 days to deal with it. Is that 30 days from my first contact or 30 days from them telling me that I have to wait that long? I suppose the interpretation of the statement is as usual at the long arm of burocracy *sigh*
Anyway, I am going to have a few carefree days with friends, shall walk the dog in a minute, get the last minute stuff together and leave the house around midday. So long, cheerio, adios, sayonara ....
... and just writing here because I needed an excuse for not carrying on with my CV, nor my household, nor the oh-so-overdue letters. Baaaad girl!!! But all I want at the moment is knit or crochet, go out for walks or just sit at the computer. How will I ever be able to fit work into this tight regime again? LOL I need something that is home-based and someone to hand me the determination to stick with it. What chance have I got? None I should think.
Went round the secon hand shops yesterday, trying to find a frilly blouse I can wear for the pirats party. No luck! I found a pair of combat-trousers, size 0 - 3 months, for my unborn granddaughter though. It is sooooo cute:
But now my daughter is worried that pink tops might not go with it. I told her anything goes, even pink t-shirts & doc martens ;) That little girlie will be a carbon copy of tank girl if they like it or not. Hahaha!
Ebay still wont let me sign into my account, even though the dispute there was about 10 months ago has long been resolved. And everybody I know with an Ebay account, refuses to put my crochet designs on. Daughter is afraid that the social will accuse her of trading professionally, Pete just cant be bothered with a seller account, and all the others ... well ... they cant be bothered either. So I am mulling over how I can possibly sell the stuff. By now I have got 4 ponchos and 1 crib blanket. I am thinking of advertising locally on gumtree. At least that's free!
Bugger, I think I better get back to the CV and then fill in an application form. I cant cope with the stress .... :D
Not too sure if that is a good thing or not. I loooooooved my llama lashes, although I had to wear my glasses on my nose in order to accommodate them and not continously scrape along the lenses, which at times was quite annoying I must admit. But on the other hand, I only had to shave legs and underarms only once in a fortnight, and even then there wasnt much there. So now I am going back to my drab facial look and werewolf legs and pits. On the other hand of course it means, that things are returning to normal, that treatment is well and truly over and all the accumulated chemical crap is leaving my body. So you decide what is better :-)
I should really go and see a doctor again as I had to stop taking the Diclofenac. Although they were helping with the pain a little, they again gave me dizzy spells, hot flushes and flickery vision. I can just do without that! But because of stopping the anti-inflammatories, the pain is excruciating. My right knee up to the hip was hurting so much yesterday, that it brought tears to my eyes. The strange thing is, it seems to hurt the most when I have been sitting/lying down and then get up. When I am in motion, particularly when walking the dog and being in a continous, even stride, the pain seems to subside. But afterwards the getting up seems to be twice as hard. Therefore I am not really certain of what to do. I now HATE going to the docs!!!
I am getting rather excited about going to London now. Only 10 days!!! Yayyyy ....
... happy owner and vice versa. Isis seems to be much happier and bouncier since I finished treatment and I can again give her the attention she deserves & the time she demands. I have started the old regime again. When we go out in the mornings, we work again. That means taking tiny little treats out with me and make her perform the various commands I give her, before giving her a treat. She is almost back to the standard she was in February before I started chemo. Now I am slowly going to introduce new exercises. Our only problem still is, that she wont do things without a treat, only when I shout and that is not the way to do it. It exhausts us both and ruins our day. Anyway, I am glad that we got through the 'dry' period and havent lost our touch. Isis loves working and I should really go to either obedience or agility classes with her, despite her age. She would benefit so much. Unfortunately there are none in our vicinity, and without a car we can't reach the out of town ones. No matter, we do what we can ourselves!
I am carrying on with the energy work, doing the mudras (finger yoga) and working with the chakras. I feel a lot more joyful and positive, appreciative for the things I have and not longing for the things I haven't got, like money. Everything will come when the time is right.
And my new saying is: It is not a measure of health to be well adjusted to a profoundly sick society.
I seem so busy these days, yet so bored somehow. I realise it is all about myself at the moment and that I can't do anything without sorting this first. I spend a lot less time on the computer, but a lot more time on me. Like bathing, meditating, finger yoga or just sitting, staring into the air. Even that is pleasurable. And with each moment spent on myself, I seem to get stronger. I think I will soon be ready to face the outside world & work again. I refuse to give myself any pressure about it at the moment. I will know when the time is right :-)
I am back on the forum, but with much reduced activity. I haven't lost interest as such, but I am not being sucked in as much either. I answer, when I feel that I have something to say, otherwise I just read the next subject. Even that might be down to the strength I feel.
I am going down to London on the 30th October for definite. Yeee haww!
... as in: self-assess, self-diagnose, self-prescribe, self-medicate, self-certificate, self-analyse and most of all talk crap to self!!! Can you tell? I have been to the GP surgery on Friday. My conversation with the doctor went as follows:
Me: Good afternoon, Dr. *unpronouncable name*
He: Ah it's you again, what can I do for you today *big sigh*
Me: Well, you know I finished treatment for HepC about 6 weeks ago ....
He: Yeeeees ....
Me: ... my bones ache more than ever and even the prescribed painkillers don't touch it most days ....
He: Yeeeeeeees, but what do you want me to do about it?
Me: I don't know, I am not the doctor ...
He: Have you tried Ibuprofen?
Me: I didn't know I could take that on top of the Co-Codamol ...
He: Oh, maybe not ... When will the Hep Team see you again?
Me: Not until January ...
He: Ah yes, I see! *stares onto computer screen* Take Diclofenac again.
Me: I did try that before treatment, but didn't get on well with it.
He: Yes I see *continues staring at screen*, you changed medication within a week.
Me: Yes, because it was horrible.
He: Well, you just have to try it again. *he proceeds to print prescription*
Me: Ok. *have given up by that time*
He hands me prescription.
Me: Thank you. But one more thing ...
He sighs.
Me: I have lost 2 1/2 toenails during treatment. Will they grow back? The haven't so far.
He: Let me see! *has a look at my toe nails* That's fungal.
Me: I thought so. What can I do about it?
He: Well, there are some brilliant tablets, looks like you need them for 3 - 6 months.
Me: Aha ...
He: But I won't describe them as you got HepC.
Me: Aha ...
He: I don't know, you might be able to convince another doctor, but not me.
Me: Ok, I didn't want to take any more tablets anyway.
He: Just hang in there!
Me: Ok.
He: Bye then ...
I get up and walk to the door, not sure what just happened there. No point in discussing anything else, I have lost my confidence ....
He: Oh by the way, your pains are fibromyalgia, which is normal after Interferon, so don't worry.
Me: Bye.
This was the doctor I particularly required NOT to see, as he is a complete arse. I will now write a letter and request that they put it on my notes, that I will only see certain doctors (who I asked for when making the appointment, which I was prepared to wait for). What else can I do? Another very pleasant NHS experience. Thank you!!!
Hehe, when I saw this picture, I thought "That's my friend Kittie with her new Botox lips". Just couldnt resist posting it.
Back to normal ... my life seems to become just that again. Met with my trashy friend Nicola this lunchtime. Did some tearing around town, then sitting down outside a pub (with a J2O) and doing some serious catching up. I hadnt seen her since I quit my job at the Foyer, but bumped into her the week before last in the supermarket. Funny that, I keep meeting people I had thought I lost contact with. Anyway, we are keeping in touch for now, at least until she goes off to India for 5 months in January. Lucky cow LOL. I think I might take over her job at the homeless hostel, that would be grand. She is going to talk to them for me. Bless her!
I felt a bit iffy before I left for town this lunchtime, sort of panicky, with the usual flickery bits in front of my eyes, and that weird empty feeling inside, although I had had brekky, but that was soon gone when I was on the bus. So rushed to Primark before meeting Nic and got myself a skull t-shirt (£2), a black & white striped one (£2) and a pair of knickers (£1). Cant afford any more now that they have cut my benefits to next to nothing. I have written a couple of letters of complaint about that, hopefully they will re-instate it, or I am going to get into serious financial trouble. After all, I have still got a sicknote until December! AND I am looking for work. AND I never got DLA. So how they can expect me to pay rent & bills & eat on £25 a week, I cannot fathom.
On top of that it has transpired, that we will have hardly any money left over if I sign the current papers for the new mortgage. Just met up with Doug very briefly and he is going to phone the agent again. What that guy proposed is not what is on the contract. Typical! And I was so relying on that cash :( Fingers crossed that can be sorted too. And I was still sooooo positive a couple of days ago.
Seeing GP tomorrow to discuss coming off the anti-d's soon. Not daring to try that with the painkillers yet, but it will come .... eventually.
Just very quickly ... I finished the poncho today (although the blanket is only half crocheted together yet ooops). It looks absolutely adorable, even if I say so myself. I have started the next one already, different style, different colours ... more baby-ish :-)Of course, these retro ponchos can be ordered directly and are then made to order, i.e. the colour scheme and size will be defined by the customer. The first few will go on ebay, see what the demand is like. Although, if somebody wants to buy or order now, feel free :-)Off to bed now, early start tomorrow for some crocheting .... I think I am addicted LOL
... and on the 6th day she created water and let it fall from the sky ... bloody weather! Although I quite enjoyed going for an early morning walk with Isis in the rain and wind. Finally I can really enjoy my walks again. And although I am doing much more walking, I have put on weight!! Over 2 kg! I will have to watch it!
I think I have finally recovered from the travel bug and the holiday blues. The holiday was fab, and with having a hire car, we were able to see bits of the country, where tourism is just a mere word in the dictionary. The first 3 days we spent driving down the coast and stopping wherever it took our fancy. I never realised that the Costa Azul has 100s of kilometers of sandy beaches, with hardly anybody using them! Most places dont provide for tourists and the ones that do, nobody would be seen dead in them. Needless to say, I didn't go in the water. 18 degrees and very high waves is nothing for me. I prefer bath tub temperatures and mirror-like water surfaces. Did I mention that I am not a very confident swimmer? My near death in France from a stingray might have something to do with that! The 4th day/evening was spent in Lisbon. Although it is beautiful in parts architecturally, the masses of people gave me the creeps. Most of them were very hoity-toity and looked at us as if we were beggars. Tried to ask directions a couple of times, because wisely we left the city map in the log cabin at the camping, but people's steps just excelerated and they were gone very quickly. We did find Baixa Alto in the end, after walking up a very steep hill. I kept thinking: I couldn't have done that a month ago. But I was doing better than the company present, and didn't really even huff! We went for a meal in one of the small roads between beautiful old houses, where I only could eat a vegetable soup and bread. Most menus in Portugal only contain meat!!! And they won't go out of their way to offer anything different. Afterwards we ended up in the Hardrock Café, a place I have always despised in all countries I have been too - a little bit like McD's - but I had to go, as my companion wanted to tick it off his list of 'have to do before I die'.
The last 3 days we spent driving back through the inland on my request. We visited Tomar (old crusader castle and famous monastry of the Templars), Coimbra (lively student town with lovely cafés and lots to see) and the last night in Porto (beautiful town, lots of hippy shops, but dreadful provision of affordable restaurants). Driving across the high plateau was very stunning to see for me, extensive eucalyptus forests, slightly sloping hills and gorgeous houses/farms.
The holiday has proven once again: I am asexual. I did not see one man or one woman I fancied!!! Might be still the Anti-Ds, but I doubt it. I just haven't got it anymore and I am not even sad about it. In fact, I am glad to be rid of the hassle. Makes dealing with people a lot easier!
Last words to the week away: Although I travelled with somebody, who is rather old for his age, forgetful and draws total blanks a lot of times, it was relaxing despite me doing all the driving (1000 miles without a panic attack) and I am very glad, that I do not need to report any late night rubbing up against my back or other sexual innuendos. He was the perfect gentleman (in that respect) once again and I am grateful for it. I am still a reborn virgin! LOL
Yes, I am back ... and quite happy about it too. It is strange how much I got used to my routine, which serves as a mega security blanket. Felt quite out of my depth on occasions out there. As I walked through the door, I had a massive welcome from the animals. So sweet! Then I walked Isis, fed the cats ... and things were back to normal. Very comforting.
I had a good time on holidays, but it wasn't very relaxing. I drove 1000 miles, without a problem I might add, no panic attack or fear, which was quite amazing. However, my friend is quite hard work these days. He has become so old, so worn, so tired and his brain is not quite functioning anymore. He is 54!!! But still he is trying to hang on to his old hippy image, pretending to live in the 60s/70s. This can be so infuriating at times and he gets rather quarrelsome when he's had a drink, also very negative about life, the universe and everything. On top of that, he is becoming quite a macho and I did have to bite my tongue a few times, when he was raving about women ^^ So now back home, I enjoy the silence and as long as I am not working, I can relax and recuperate here.
The holiday has shown me, that I am probably ready to go back to work though. I didn't experience any fatigue, pains weren't too bad either and I think the brain fog is almost gone. Still forgetting the odd thing here and there, like names, places and what I was going to do, but I am starting to put that down to old age now rather than the treatment. I think as from next week I will put some effort into signing up with some job agencies, providing they will have me.
Today will be a quiet day. I feel like I haven't arrive back quite yet. So pottering around doing some necessary cleaning and walking the dog sounds just ideal. Not going back on the forum yet either. Can't cope with more attacks just yet, and as there isn't much support (i.e. moderators) my mind needs to be fully fit to cope with it. It's a shame really, because I do miss it, but it has deteriorated over the past few weeks and so far I don't think anything is being done to get it back on track. Poor T. has left due to all the personal attacks and W. has lost all her confidence, too. Not what anybody needs who is just doing/finishing/awaiting treatment. Well, I guess I will have a look tomorrow and then make my final decision.
