I was so hoping for a couple of days of respite before I have to stick the needle in me again, but of course it didnt happen. Quite the opposite. I just feel shit, shittier, shittiest. And now I wonder why, because according to my blood levels, which I managed to wangle out of the stupid receptionist at the H/C yesterday, I am ok. I shouldnt be feeling this crap. HB is 13.4, Platelets 158/109 and WBC 3.98. I was very surprised at my Haemoglobin. I am slap bang in the middle of an ordinary female value (12-16 is normal). So why cant I even get out of bed in the mornings. Why do I still feel that I have been run over by a bus and all my limbs are like lead, oh not only the limbs, my eyes, my ears, my all feels like it's made out of unliftable material. This morning another big nose bleed. And another banging headache. Ok, it's a bit better now, thanks the lovely co-codamols, but I also know it will return once they wear off. And I hate myself for just banging on about being ill and feeling like this to everybody who will listen. For pity's sake, I dont define myself through the illness! I have so many talents, so many interests, and I do nothing anymore, but lay in bed and feel sorry for myself. The highlight of my day still being to manage one - ONE - poxy walk with Isis. We used to go out at least 3 hours a day and that was when I was still working. On the weekends I used to take her to Ashton Court or North Nibbley for a nice long walk. Now she just gets dragged up to the health park by me for 20 minutes, and Pete takes her down the Northern Slopes a couple of times a day. Poor thing! And still she is so nice to have around, lies on my bed with me, head on my chest and looks at me as if she can feel my pain. Gods bless her ... I promise I will make it up to her, if I ever get better.
Great, now I sit here pouring with tears again. Dont even know, why I am crying. I hate being like this. I hate not being me! I hate loosing touch with reality! I just hope I can find myself again once this torment is over.
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7 comments:
Whether your Hgb is 'normal' or not, you're going through an experience that's comparable to being run over by a freight train, so it's 'normal' to feel exhausted and to cry at the least provocation. You're doing great, hang in there.
Karina,
Maybe you should knock the clubbing on the head!
Seriously though, dont beat yourself up about it. I'm sure you're sick of people saying it but just take 1 day at a time. If you feel shite, then just stay in bed and let your body rest. I wish there was more I could say and do. It goes without saying that you have the support of many. If you want to talk, you know where I am and if you want to phone then thats no problemo.
Be kind to yourself and try and stay positive. We're all behind you 100%.
Chris x
Honey, I relate to your experience, and am so sorry you're going through this pain. And you're right, as you go through it it is very difficult to understand.
Its me H. Heart. I was crying at the "drop of a hat". Its very normal. Now I'm careful about crying....can't use up the moisture...drying up enough without the crying. Here's a hug from the Arizona desert. No wonder I'm drying out....I live in a desert. : (
Poor you.
If it helps I feel like crap too. shot 10.
I think we are too hard on ourselves. I'm having trouble letting go of expectations of myself. Be kind to you. This is a massive assault on the body and the mind.
Hugs to you
Ronnie
your tears got me going again too - but at least they were sisterly tears to share with someone else that understands.
i wish we lived closer to each other and could just hang out and give each other hugs when needed...that is when our arms don't feel like lead!
i've also got the heavies, ugh!
big love
x hepkittie x
You guys are just tops and it makes my day when I read the comments.
Yes, I think I have to let go of the high expectations and just accept that I have become a bed potato with shit for brains :-)
Gosh I feel better now LOL.
Hugs my friends, to a better week.
Fishy
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